Hi everyone. Doesn't seem like a lot of dialogue on this site lately although it is interesting to me that some old-timers (like myself) come back once in awhile (again, like myself).
Although I am definitely not bleeding all over the place like I was in the early years (yes, years) of the divorce, I have been left with what I now refer to as a dull ache. I am sure many of you see your ex-spouses (mainly, I suppose, those with young children more than older). In my case, given the sheer number of our children, my seeing him seems to be increasing every year now. Also, I have chosen to attend any events that I am invited to -- I am still invited to big "in-law" events -- weddings mainly and bridal showers. I am not included in any small informal get togethers, but am still on several of the invite lists in the now ex-in-law family. I don't run and hide anymore (I hold my own, am pleasant, can talk amiably with both him and his new wife and never, ever speak of the divorce or anything related to the past). It has worked and I know at least that I have made everyone else comfortable.
So, in that sense, for me, I have come a long, long way.
Unlike many of the posters here who (and I abhor this phrase) have, indeed, moved on (and by moving on I pretty much mean finding someone else to play a significant part in one's life), I have not in that sense of the word, at all.
I recognized one day that I must be disinterested or something -- maybe the hit I took from the divorce was too deep for me and maybe, surprisingly, I won't ever trust anybody again.
It is a surprise to me to acknowledge that fact. I think I kept waiting for some knight in shining armor to appear and when nobody did, I don't have the energy or even the desire to look myself. I do somewhat believe in the old-fashioned theory that sometimes love comes when you are not looking. I think I'm going to hold on to that belief and accept that if nothing happens for the rest of my life, so be it.
I ran into an old friend recently who told me about her uncle who had been widowed at an early age -- before 50. His wife had apparently been the love of his life. He just died and was 78. He said that when he lost his wife, he never tried to find a new one. He instead dedicated himself to his chidren and grandchildren and sometimes said "I'm married to my family."
Maybe our society and our own yearnings sometimes make us believe that we absolutely need another person to validate us -- maybe that is not always the case.
Don't get me wrong. I deeply believe that humans (all of us, I hope!!) were meant to live in family-type situations. But, it doesn't always work out that way. I think I'm going to accept the fact that the life I'm leading, albeit a pretty lonely one, might be the life that was somehow, mysteriously intended for me. I think I've been fighting reality for way too long and perhaps I should just try to be happy with what is and not worry about what isn't or even what can be.
Thought I'd get your feelings on that subject -- anybody who either feels I'm all wrong (like that challenge) or anybody that has perhaps felt that way. Maybe it is passing phase and I'll be different next week, but I'm guessing the dull ache (like a physical pain that has healed, but never quite completely) might always exist and that one just learns to live with it.
In the meantime, hope the sun is shining wherever you are and that the day has laughter in it for all of you.
Take care, bacall
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