To answer my own question; because I was young, had no self image, and felt that at 25 I should be married and on my way to a life filled with happiness. Instead, it's been a miserable 15 years filled with anxiety, fear, some joy, and some peace(yes, I figured I should put out some happy vibes, too.)
So, I'm new here. I'm 39 years old, married, with an 11 year old boy. I don't think I'm headed down the divorce road yet but I know that I'm just tired of living the way I do. My spouse works out of the home and is home with us 24/7 and I also homeschool. Let's just say we're on top of eachother all day long and it's really wearing on me.
My spouse is the most negative person you'll ever meet(well, darn close to it anyway). He suffers from depression and anxiety which manifests itself in anger and mistrust of society and people in general. He is extremely judgemental and feels that if you aren't like him, then you must fit into another lowly category below him, etc.
For example, if you spit or throw your cigarette out the window then you are a dirtbag. If you drive an American car then you must be stupid. I could go on, but you all can get the idea, LOL. Anyway, he never really gets on me about much. We have a nice life, drive luxury vehicles, and we live very comfortably. Unfortunately, I have become more guarded in my intimacy levels with him and I feel that our marriage is suffering because of his attitude. He brings me down constantly. Complaining about the neighbor's dogs barking, complaining about the landscapers across the street taking too long, complaining about service issues and how some else's stupidity means he'll have to pay more taxes and he's always put upon. He's the victim in most cases and everybody's irresponsibility affects him negatively in some way or another.
Now, that's just the start of it. He's a recovering alcoholic. He was abusing alcohol by the time he was 15. He came from a home where his parents were verbally and sometimes physically abusive to eachother and to the children. There have been times when I've felt that flight or fight adrenaline rush hit me when he gets upset about things b/c he literally 'sees red'. I've seen him throw things, kick things, punch the dog(many years ago), and break things in his anger fits. These incidents have led me to 'walk on eggshells' because I never know what kind of day he's going to be having. He's never hit me or threatened me or our son. Actually, he always says that we're the only things he's got. And, I remind him often that he needs to remember that especially when the world is pressing down on him. He's come right out and says he hates people and he's told me numerous times that I should leave him and that I wouldn't have any trouble finding a mate.
We have no mutual friends that we get together with as he's pretty much turned away from any social gatherings. So, I try to enjoy my life and enjoy my friendships as best as I can. We have no family around here, either, so many times I feel that I have no place to turn. I told him that I'm going to go to individual counseling so that I can learn some coping techniques for how to live with him and for how to better respond to him. He asked if he could come along but I said no b/c I want to meet with someone on my own first and then possibly bring him in once I have some emotions sorted out.
The problem is that we've been down the counseling road before. Things get good for a bit, and then we're back to the same old pattern. He's ranting and raving about his rights being infringed upon or he's scaring the crap out of our kid by telling him that our new neighbors are probably going to come kill us since the guy was covered in tattooes and smokes and wears wife beater t-shirts. Yeah, like he's not judging there, that describes 1/2 of my mom's side of the family. I'm just tired of it all. And, if I talk to him about it he gets mopey and looks put upon and then tries to turn it into a woes me contest where all of a sudden I'm the bad guy b/c I'm asking him to talk. He'll say things like, "My father had it right. Sit in your chair, ignore your family, and don't talk to anyone since you're d*mned no matter what you say."
When he does have good days and we go out to dinner I talk to him them. He's very receptive and admits that most of our marriage issues and my stress issues are due to his attitude and behaviors but he won't try antidepressants. I've had him try GABA and B6 vitamins and they seem to work for a bit and then he says they don't work anymore and he's freaking out again about the neighbor's dog barking.
Honestly, I fantasize about getting away from him but I know that's not the healthy thing to do as we have a child who looks up to dad and needs him to be around. Let along the financial side of a divorce can be really trying.
Does anyone have any good book recommendations? I'm still planning on finding a counselor, it's just hard because of our homeschooling schedule and location. I really just need some hope, sigh!