I am new to the forums and soon to be military divorce. My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs, hes in air force, an E5, I currently do not work. We have no kids. We do live on base housing. Here is my dilemia.
My husband wants a divorce. Me, at first I didnt want it, I wanted to try and work on it. But now, after learning that I am a victim of emotional, verbal, mental and financial abuse, I want and NEED out! I have been doing a lot of research and been posting on a support forum for the abuses, thats how I learned about my husband inflicting abuse. It has even gotten to the point where he could walk into a room in the house and I will start shaking. He also has had online affairs past 6 years as well.
I know I wont receive any benefits since its under 10 years, but is there any possibility of receiving spousal support due to
1. I have no income coming in. I have been trying to look for a job but havent been able to get one.
2. The abuses he has inflicted upon me and the online affairs
3. My health isnt that great. I take medication everyday for my heart (I have a heart problem) and asthma on top of it.
Since I cant find any jobs or anything, my best opition is to move back towards home. However, once I get there I still have no place really to go to. My sister cant take me in due to she is living with her husband, son, and her husbands father (its father in law house) and my parents live with my stepdad mother (and its my stepdad mother house) and they cant take me in either. Now if they lived in their own places, then I would be more then welcome. I have no friends back there either I can stay with. My entire family is also strapped for cash so they really cant help me with a hotel or anything. So I am really stuck. So my question is, will my husband be responsbile for paying some sort of spousal support till I get my feet on the ground or am I really stuck?
Also here is my full story for what has happened past 6 years, maybe this will help. Any advice or help anyone can provide will be great. Thank you.
This is a long story so please bare with me.
I have been married for 6 years. My husband is active duty in the Air Force. I currently do not work. I haven't worked since 2004.
During our 1st year of marriage (2004/2005) I was on my husband email looking for a important email. I came across an email that was sent out. Not knowing what it was for, I opened it and was horrified. It was an inappropriate picture of himself, sent to some girl he met online. When he came home, I had printed out the picture and asked him why he sent it out. He said he was having a online affair knew it was wrong, and was sorry and promised me he wouldn't do it again.
Then in 2006, I would notice whenever he was on his laptop and whenever I would approach him, he would quickly close his laptop a little so I couldn't read his discussions through IM programs. I didn't say anything about it, I just held my tongue.
Then in Dec 2008, he started becoming controlling. I am always the type of person to always make people happy 1st instead of myself. I always let my husband do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to buy something, I didnt say no. if he wanted to drink, even though he knew I didnt like it, I still didnt stop him. If he wanted to go out with friends I never said no nor stopped him. He was pretty much a free man to do whatever he wanted, except of course cheat on me.
So during Dec 2008, I decided I wanted to stay up all night, to talk to my friends on the PS3 using playstation home. It wasnt just guys I was friends with but I would talk to my female friends as well. I figured whats the harm it could create? I was finally doing something for myself and not to mention but I was also suffering from insomnia as well.
Well during that time, my husband started becoming controlling by telling me to get off the PS3 and go to bed, even though i wasn't even tired. I told him you cant control me what I do, and don't try to control me.
So he finally gave that up, however then he started invading my privacy by going on my Playstation network account and reading my personal messages. When he admitted to me that he done it, I made him promise to never invade my privacy ever again. I had NEVER invaded his privacy so him invading mine was completely uncalled for.
Then I decided to see if he would do it again. So I added my main account user name to a secondary account on my PS3. Couple days later, I had just woken up, checked my secondary account to see when my last login in was for my main account and it showed that I had just signed off few minutes ago. I knew that couldnt be right cuz I wasnt even on then. I was just waking up. So when I confronted my husband, he LIED to me and said he didnt login and when I showed him my last login time, he finally came clean and said he was looking through my messages again. Again, I made him promise and he even did a whole scotts honor thing.
Then 1 day he asked me if I had a facebook account. I said no, and at the time I really didnt have one. I saw no purpose really to have one, but then I got an idea. To create a fake account and see if he would go invading my privacy again. So I did. I set my status as in a relationship also. Next day, he just comes out and flat out call me a liar and say Im cheating on him. I said, you went into my facebook account didnt u. And he admitted to it that he did. I told him it was a fake account to catch him for invading my privacy for the 3rd time. By this time I was furious with him. Thinking I was cheating on him, even though I wasnt, he yelled he wanted a divorce and then we talked and he changed his mind.
Well then, couple months later he meets a girl online. They became extremely close. Now I never stopped him for talking or befriending women. As long as he didnt cheat on me I didnt care. During this time, I started becoming good and close friends with someone as well. However difference was, between me and my guy friend, no feelings were being built. Between him and the girl he met online, there WAS feelings growing. So 1 day, right before we were moving from delaware to alaska due to a military move, I grabbed his cell phone and started reading his text messages to this girl. I had a gut feeling all along that he was having an online affair with this girl and the gut feeling lasted for few months actually. I finally couldnt take it anymore and started reading his text messages. And sure enough he was having a online relationship with her. Telling her he loved her and different things. Well I confronted him about it and demanded for him to stop talking to her and even made him call her up and tell her it was over between them. So he did right infront of me. All this happened in October 2009.
Then in November, we moved to Alaska. Everything was starting to go smoothly again, then in early 2010, everything started falling apart again. He would come home from work, change clothes and go right downstairs to the basement where he turned into a "man cave." Now keep in mind he wanted his own space. I never told him to, he CHOSE to. So he started spending a lot of his free time downstairs. So I started becoming distant towards him and giving him space. 1 because he acted like he wanted it and 2 because everything that has happened past 6 years was starting to really get to me. I started becoming depressed and started venting to my friend who by then we were still just good friends but really close. He was understanding, respectful towards me and was just doing the 1 thing a best friend would do, be there for me.
My husband then in effect starts thinking Im dating my friend online, even though I have flat out told him a million times now, we arent. We are just good friends, nothing more. So he then starts retalking to the same girl I had just demanded him to stop talking to back in November. They became reclose again, and started redating. The distance started growing between me and my husband, to the point, we never slept together, hardly even ate together, he would just grab his food and go back downstairs and never spent time together and this lasted for 4 months.
Well a lot of fighting started breaking out. I told him that I have 6 years of built up anger and unforgotten things I was dealing with. From our wedding day (thats a whole other story in itself, long story short, he spent more time with his family then with me, so he practically abandoned me during out reception) all the way up to now. He threatened divorce on me 2 times in 1 week and then turn around and say he doesnt mean it. During this time I also found out that he sent another inappropriate picture of himself to another women, who happened to live right here in Anchorage.
Well in September, I decided I really needed to get away. So I went to PA for a trip to see a friend of mine I known for a long time. During this whole time, me and my husband kept fighting. But there was couple times he said he was sorry for the things he did, he knew he was wrong, but this is where it starts getting ineresting, he puts the blame on ME by saying yes I know what i did was wrong, but you did some wrongs things to like giving him space and keeping this built up anger inside of me and saying I should take the consequences of my own actions. Im like I shouldnt have to take any consequences because me giving him space is how I am trying to COPE with 6 years of hurt that HE inflicted upon me. I told him from the moment he started having an online affair during our 1st yr of marriage up to now, he new what he was doing when he did it. So in effect because I was giving him space, it made him have another online affair. So basc he knew what he did was wrong, but turned around and put the blame on me by saying if i didnt give him space he wouldnt cheat. I'm sorry but that is NO excuse in my book. Considering 1, he drove me to wanting space because of the things HE did to me. And 2, just because I'm needing space to help cope with everything, doesnt give him the right to cheat on me. There is NO legit excuse to cheat on anyone.
So I come back from my trip, the fights are still continuing, actually getting worse by the day. Last week we got into such a huge fight he was yelling at me so loud, I was trying to talk to my mom on the phone and I was crying so hard I started to not being able to breathe. I have asthma plus a bad heart so all that plus feeling all this emotional stress and tension being inflicted upon me by his yelling was making me cry so hard I could hardly breathe. Anyways, he was yelling so loud at me, my stepdad who wasnt even on the phone, nor was my mom using the speaker phone portion of her cell phone, could hear him clearly and he was sitting a little ways away from my mom.
That same day he told me that he was done, gonna file for divorce. Couple days later, we got into another fight and by then I was so emotionally distraught, that same day earlier, a split 2nd of suicide crossed my mind. I know suicide is never the answer, and would probably never do it. That night, we got into another huge fight, and he had this look on his face, and this tone in his voice and I was watching his hand movements and I coulda sworn he was gonna hit me. I was actually fearing of him. So I reacted first and tried to slap him but he moved and he raised his hand on me and if I hadnt stopped him he wouldve hit me. I said dont you dare think about hitting me. So what he does, he picks up his cell phone and threaten to call the military police on me for domestic abuse. And i told him he drove me to that point for all the emotional stress he was inflicting upon me. Plus I was emotionally distraught and was fearing of him.
Also ever since I got back from my trip, my husband family has never liked me for no reason. I have never done or said anything bad to them or of them. They have been texting me everyday even calling me yelling at me, finally I asked them to stop texting and calling. The calling stopped but the texting still continues. I have not replied to any of their text messages but am considering filing restraining orders for harassment. Since I have asked them to stop texting and they are still texting me, it is classified as harassment. They have also been inflicting emotional stress upon me as well with name calling, the yelling and threatening text messages all just to try to scare me into leaving him.
Then couple days ago, he tells me he is gonna go to his brothers for thanksgiving and leave me here alone with no family or anything around me. He made this decision on his own without even talking to me about it first which I find disrespectful and hurtful. And then he proceeds to tell me part of him wants to work on this marriage and part of him wants a divorce. And then turns around almost was gonna leave me with no money to support myself while he was gone. So no money for food, bills, etc. All cuz a sister of his told him to wipe our checking account clean. And if i hadnt told him i knew what he was doing and its against the law to leave me with nothing, he called his supervisor and was instructed that he cant by law leave me with no money for food and bills.
With all that said, I would also like to add he has called me the B word, so name calling, I've always been afraid to buy anything for myself because I was always afraid he would get mad, so I never buy anything for myself without seeking permission from him 1st, we do have a joint checking and saving account, he is the 1 who makes the money but the accounts are actually mine as I am primary. He yells at me instead of talking in a civil manner when we fight, plus walks out on me when we do fight instead of staying and talking it out. When he does yell, he can barely control his anger and ends up hitting a wall or something. He makes me feel like I can never say or do anything right. He either expects me to get a job or clean and cook all day becoming the perfect little house wife/maide, preferably wants me get a job for more money. i feel like i can never talk to him about anything. When it comes to making love, if I dont want it, we end up having it anyways, cuz he will he either force it upon me, or I just give in. He has abused our dog sometimes by hitting him repeatedly over and over and I have to yell at him to stop. Plus hes thrown our dog down the stairs before in the past. Like I mentioned earlier he put the blame on me for HIS actions. He gets angry over the smallest thing. He acts extremely jealous of me talking to my close friend. He acts nice and gentle and everything around me in public, and around friends and family. Going back to money, he has now told me I cant buy anything except to pay bills and food.
So now here I am at home, he is still living here as well, and I am not really sure what the next step I should do. Also, he has gotten the divorce papers but wont sign or file until he gets back from his trip and makes a decison if he really wants a divorce. I wanted to work on this marriage before, but now i dont know if thats best.
I would also like to add we have no kids and just last night I was trying to pay the bills online but my husband changed all the login info and refuses to give me the new login ino.