My ex and I have a 6 yr old boy. We have been divorced since 2006, but it has been VERY hostile. We have gone through everything from the courts to the last resort of Case Management. The past year, we have done much better. After the Case Manager told him that there was no way that he would get sole custody. That was all the hostility was about. The ex was/is abusive, selfish and he does no wrong. Therefore, for 4 years he felt that he was the best parent and the child should be with him. Wellll, his ego deflated a bit with the Case Manager telling him that the child is not in danger with me and very well taken care of. I have worked with the parenting plan, bent over backwards to ensure that there is plenty of time with son and father. I have 3 older children from a different father, so its not like I am irresponsible or do not know what I am doing. But, the ex was hell bent on getting custody. Thankfully, that part is over.
We have joint custody, I have residential custody. We have a parenting plan in place for every other weekend and a couple of days a week, varied with dad. Pretty much standard guidelines for Kansas. We havent had many problems recently and have been working well with each other, which WAS refreshing.
On July 2 (saturday), 2011, I received a call from the sheriff that I needed to pick up my son (ex weekend) in another county at 530 AM. I was given no details. So i rushed to get there...had to get directions as the ex had just moved there the week of this incident. Of course I am thinking the worse, but was assured that my son was okay. Upon arriving, I noticed the new girlfriend (ex was remarried and in the process of that divorce, now with new gf, less than 3 months together). The right side of her face was red, blue and black and her lip was busted open. I asked her what had happened (even tho I knew, spent oh too many of times like that myself with this man) and she said "it isnt what it looks like". I asked again, same response. I asked where my ex was, the same response. Apparently, she was so drunk (at 6AM) that she could not comprehend. I told her that she did not have to deal with this, I got away, his other ex wife got away. Clearly it was a wall that I was talking too. She has 2 children. As she went to get my son (she wouldnt allow me to go into the house) the sheriff deputy and I talked. I asked what had happened, the ex was in jail and they were both extremely drunk. I asked what could be done for men like this...no response but then we were interrupted by my son running up to me. I picked him up, headed for the car. He didnt need to see anymore that he already did. I told the woman to sober up and be a mom and left.
Later that day, the ex bonded out, with a no contact order. He called me and told me his side of the story that she had attacked him and he was trying to control the situation by sitting on top of her and calling the police. It doesnt surprise me that he left out his portion of the night... he begged me to believe him. I still dont fully believe him. As no one just attacks someone for nothing...and so out of control that you have to sit on top of them to not hurt you or someone else? But, I wasnt there. Without him knowing, I had called the county jail prior to the call. He is being charged with Battery...maybe other things. I dont know for sure yet.
He has asked if he could see our son the next day to make sure he was okay. I agreed, but that he would not be allowed to take him anywhere. He agreed and kissed my butt for believing him. I never said that I did, but I guess my allowing him to talk to his son was his sign that I did.
After much thought and trying to see all sides we discussed the problem. I still do not know what he did to provoke this woman. However, I dont care, he will have to take that up with the judge. I do not know this woman, have seen her 2 times prior to this and spoke to her for a total of 3 minutes. He goes on for a hour of how the events happened, how he is such the victim that he was arrested and blah blah. He goes on to tell me that she had told him earlier that day that she wanted to have a argument to get the "first fight" out of the way. I told him "you should not have told me that". He then realized that he was doomed. Either way, my anger about me son witnessing all of that was focused on him or her.
My thoughts are...believing his side of the story, this woman is a threat to our son. If she acted that way TRYING to start a fight, what would happen if it was a true fight? what else was she capable of? If I dont believe his story, its quite simple, I go to court and do a modification. With this recent charge of Battery, he knows that the judge would put him on supervised parenting time. Backing up a bit, I had 2 protection from abuse orders on him...so with a battery charge? Not gonna look good.
So, for the meantime, I agree to:
1. Ex attends Anger Management
2. Our son has no contact with the ex's gf. I do not want that woman around my child.
3. No overnights while he is still living with her. Yes, he has violated the no contact order and still lives with her. After the long sob story of no money, having to pay child support and no where to go...blah blah.
This past Monday, after time with dad, my son said that he saw the gf in her car. Most people would have the sense to call the other parent and give a heads up. However, my ex does no wrong as stated earlier and didnt think it was a big deal. Well to me it is. There was no physical contact...but, I dont want to set the bar that this is okay. In no way am I trying to control his life or who he is with. BUUUUT, I will be damned if that woman is around my child. I tried to explain to him if the roles were reversed he would feel the same way....
I left this man because of his abuse. His recent or soon-to-be ex wife left him because of his abuse.
What do I do? If I allow the same parenting time with the stipulation of no overnights and no contact, does it help me or hurt me if I go to court and modify the parenting time and/or custody? If I take it all to court, it will only be bad for him and our son. But, I cannot trust that he will stick to the agreement and there are no court orders to see that he does.
I confronted him about our son seeing the gf the other night and it turned ugly. He has made no attempts to find somewhere else to live or look into anger management. He did say that he has gone to a couple of AA meetings, but that isnt the problem. He can quit drinking, he did with me and his other ex wife. He really needs this anger management...needed it for years.
He is confident that the charges will be dropped, even though he hasnt talked to anyone about it.
I called the district courts and was told that Domestic Battery is taken very seriously in Kansas and that the charges would not be dropped. He will be prosecuted....no court date as of now. I talked to the woman for a while and explained why I was concerned, she agreed. I am just not sure what to do. I am so paranoid when our son is with his father because it feels that he is not taking all of this as seriously as it needs to be.
Now, I am starting to question the ex in general...why still be with that woman? Why would he risk his child around a woman like that? With all of the abuse and neglect that happen to children every day...I am not willing to take that risk.
Do i continue with the parenting plan as it states by the court and risk something happening to my child?
Do I continue with what we agreed too? No contact with gf, no overnights. Yet, no steps to go to anger management have been made. Constantly worried if the agreement will be followed AND no court order to ensure that he sticks to this?
Do I file a motion with the courts and just deal with the aftermath? Let him lie in the bed that he created so to speak. But, surely damage the father/son relationship that I have worked so hard to create.
Our son has been in therapy.... He has a adjustment disorder and possible mood disorder. This child witnessed what happened when he was 1. The ex constantly bad mouths me to our child. It upsets our son so much. He tells me all the time how daddy hates me, hates all woman, how I dont take care of him, etc. Our son is very attached to me and it angers the ex. After this incident, our child has not wanted dad to pick him up. He doesnt have another therapy appt until July 25th....this will all be brought up then. Point of this all is... this child has been through enough. I dont want him to be subjected to anything else or anything worse than he has already gone through.
I am sorry this is so long, but if anyone could give me some insight to this problem, I would be grateful. I welcome every opinion and will be open to any criticism.