lja9773
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Reged: 03/09/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Iowa
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When do Children Have a Say?
03/09/06 11:34 AM
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My ex is and always has been a very uninvolved parent. Our 3 daughters include 2 teens with a moderate amount of school activities. He lives an hr. away and to accomodate the childrens' extracurricular activities he has occasionally given up part and up to half of his weekend with them so that he doesn't have to do any extra driving to get them. During the divorce I had agreed to meet him half the distance of the drive on his visitation weekends. In 9 months, he has attended only 4 events that they have been involved in and nothing for the youngest who is 11. All she has had was her school's holiday concert and she was terribly broken hearted when his excuse for not attending was that it was too cold.
The girls have begun to ask if they can stay here on his weekends. On the advice of my attorney, I have suggested to the girls that they discuss it with their dad. He's a master at mental manipulation and typically gives them a major guilt trip rather than asking why they want to stay or how he can help. So their efforts to talk to him have typically left them in tears. This past weekend was his. During the week prior, each of the girls had asked independently of the others if they "had to go to dads". I told them they needed to talk to their dad about it. I can't say yes to their requests or I could be held in contempt of court unless he gives them permission. He picked the girls up at 3 p.m. Saturday. I received 2 phones calls within the next 6 hrs from different daughters sobbing over the phone asking to come home. It's so heart breaking to hear them begging me to come get them. Ultimately, he agreed that whoever wanted to come back home could and when we met at 10:30 that night, all 3 girls were there. Now he's trying to lay it on my shoulders when he should have told them no if he didn't want to allow it. He told me via an email that I should have told them no. I didn't have any problem with them coming home. Btw, his home is the home that they grew up in so it's not that his is the unfamiliar place.
My problem is how do I help my daughters. They have so little of an emotional bond with their father and it's his fault but he can't see that and blames me. I have no concerns about legal repercussions because I have continued to check with my attorney and I know exactly where I stand and what I can and cannot do. I did email my ex with some suggestions as to how the situation might be bettered but I doubt he'll go for any of it. That would mean excepting blame.
Any suggestions anyone? Can children (and if so at what age) decide when and if they spend time with the either parent?
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Lori
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