Help with verbal abuse.

Posted by: fldad437

Help with verbal abuse. - 06/03/17 02:05 AM

Hello,

I have an issue with what I believe is verbal abuse towards my daughter who is 11 and dont know what to do. I also have a son (9)

My daughter spent the might at a friends house. I dropped her off and my ex wife was to pick her up at the friends house in the morning.
Her boyfriend picked up my daughter. Which I do not have a problem with.

I got a call from him about 5 pm that night. I did not answer the call as the only communication that needs to be going on is about my children and I prefer to talk to my ex about our kids. He then texted me and said call me asap its an emergency. I called back and he said that my ex was in the bedroom with my daughter and she is throwing a fit. (very rarely happens with my daughter). I talked to my daughter and my ex and knowing that there was something going on
i asked if I could take my daughter for the night to allow everyone to cool off and we can work out what happened the next day. I drove to my exs house.

apparently when ex boyfriend arrived at 8am everyone was still sleeping. He was upset because my ex and him asked her to set an alarm on her phone and to be ready at 8am. He took her phone and told her that she will never be able to spend the night at her friends house agian. from talking with my ex and her boyfriend that night my daughter sat in her room all day until ex wife got home shortly before I was called.

The conversation was calm and the kids did not hear any of the conversation that I had with my ex and her boyfriend.

I pulled my daughter aside and asked what happened, She said that the boyfriend told her she needs to pack her shit and move out. Now I am upset about how the situation was handled but this really upset me. I told my daughter thank you for talking to me and reminded her that she can talk to me about anything ect..

I asked her the boyfriend and ex about what my daughter said He said that he did say that, ex said that he says things when he gets upset but was just joking and that the kids know he is joking. He then told me that he will tell the kids that he is going to rip off their heads and beat them with it and a few other examples when they miss behave but they know he is joking. My daughter is to the point where she will not even talk to him or acknowledge that he is even there. I have talked to my daughter about how she needs to respect him and listen to him. Ex and I have also talked about what he can do to discipline the kids if he is the only person around at the time. ect... All of the conversations about the abuse have been in person so I dont have any text or an email to show judge if it came to that.

So there are a few other issues that I would like to address, such as ex is now trying to keep the kids from seeing all the grand parents mine and her parents because they baby and spoil them to much. Ex refusing to follow the transportation rules that we have. Said if I want to see my kids i must pick them up and drop them off at her house. Which I will do even tho she lives an hour away.

But the verbal abuse is my main concern. Is it verbal abuse? If it is what can I do to protect my daughter? There have been somethings I have decided it was not worth fighting over such as the transportation but this is something I have to act on.

Thanks for any help or input any one can give.
Posted by: fldad437

Re: Help with verbal abuse. - 06/04/17 12:02 AM

Does anyone have any advise?
I am overreacting?
Is there anything I can do?
Posted by: Gecko

Re: Help with verbal abuse. - 07/02/17 04:29 PM

So sorry, this board doesn't get a lot of activity and it's been awhile since I've been on.

Verbal abuse is subjective. According to the namby-pamby, bleeding heart, politically correct crowd not sharing your thoughts/feelings is 'verbal abuse', forgetting an important event is 'verbal abuse', not wanting to beat a dead horse or agreeing to disagree is 'verbal abuse', saying anything negative about someone is 'verbal abuse', judging or criticizing is 'verbal abuse', any form of ordering is 'verbal abuse'. As such, there isn't a single person on this planet who isn't guilty of 'verbal abuse'.

Also subjective is a legal definition..."the repeated improper and excessive use of language to humiliate or undermine someone’s dignity." How do you define 'improper'? I know folks who use the word 'f**k' all the time...to them, it's just a word like any other word. Is it 'verbal abuse' to tell someone who acts like an ass frequently that they are an ass when they act like it?

In the situation that you describe, "ex said that he says things when he gets upset but was just joking and that the kids know he is joking", it is less a straight 'verbal abuse' issue and more an 'anger management' issue. Sure, he may not mean what he says and the kids know that he doesn't mean it, but it gets really old and hurtful after a while.

And that is how I would explain it to your ex and her boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with getting angry, upset and/or frustrated, but it needs to be constructive...not destructive. Trivializing his lack of control is demeaning and insulting...it is teaching the kids that they can say whatever they want no matter how bad so long as call it a 'joke'.

As to your other issues:

Grandparents - There is nothing you can legally do about the grandparents except on your own time. When you have the kids, invite your parents and your former in-laws over to spend time with the children or let the kids go over there. If your ex says anything, tell her that she has no right to deny the children access to their grandparents so long as the children are not in any physical danger and ice and cake for breakfast has never killed anyone.

Transportation - Assuming here that you're supposed to split it...one picks up, one delivers. Simple solution...next time you pick up the kids, you don't take them back. NOT saying you 'keep' the kids...just that barring any emergency situation...she is supposed to pick them up and if she refuses, they stay until she does. And if she tries to deny you access to the kids because of it, you contact your attorney and put a stop to it.