to leave or to stay

Posted by: feelingtorn

to leave or to stay - 07/18/17 02:36 PM

I really need some sound advice. I'm in my first marriage. We are coming up on our 9 year anniversary. We have two children under the age of 5. Looking back, I would have done things so differently. The relationship from the beginning was somewhat forced and the passion and sexual compatibility has never really existed. It was just a simple relationship. I haven't been in love with him for at least five years, but i've stayed because we live a generally decent life and get along for the most part. We parent really well together, but we basically just co-exist and live our lives. He's still in love with me and is a decent man. I have fallen for someone else. He knows about this other man and that we have kissed. That's all that has happened and now the guy has moved out of the country but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's been nearly 8 months since any of this happened. What am I to do? It has made me see how detached I am from my marriage and if I left it wouldn't be for this other guy because he is long gone, but it made me see that I am so far gone that I have fallen for another man and hard. Do I leave or do I stay? Do I wake up one day when I'm 50 or 60 and realize I wasted my life just to keep my family unit together? Or do I leave and still raise our kids in a happy home? and then possibly find love again?
Posted by: TJMH

Re: to leave or to stay - 07/18/17 11:15 PM

Years ago I read a really good book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. She doesn't offer direct advice but gives you a series of "diagnostics" to evaluate your relationship. She then goes on to say that depending on how you answered the diagnostic, most people who answered similarly were either glad they stayed/unhappy they left, or the opposite.

As I recall, the balance of my answers were in the "glad they left/unhappy they stayed" category. I decided to stay. Divorce will be final in December. YMMV...