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#182 - 06/09/04 12:27 AM SD and her Mom...how do we prepare her?
Spring Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 7973
SD hasn't seen or talked to her mom in 10 weeks. It was at that time that her mom had told her she could move back in, and then turned around and dropped her back on my doorstep in another extortion attempt. If anyome wants the details, I'll post them but many of you will likley remember my story(I hope).

SD's birthday was Sunday...no call, no card no NOTHING from her mom or her sister that lives with mom. Today, she got a call. Okay, so its only two days late, but to a 12 yr old, its a lot. Mom asked SD to come and visit. SD hasn't visited since she found out some of the truth about her mom. SD was very hurt by her mom's most recent garbage. She has been thru so much in the past year..since her mom first kicked her out. Mom plays headgames with SD...lies up a storm about her Dad and I. SD chose not to visit..we decided not to push it anymore and our counsellor agreed.

SD's mom asked SD to come for a visit. SD said ok, but then immediately started in with her 'busy schedule'.

We have such mixed feelings about this. SD has been doing very well since the last episode with her Mom. She is trying so hard not to lie...so hard to be good in every way. We are sure that once she starts seeing her mom again, she will get confused and with drawn. She will slip backwards. We've seen this befiore. Mom will pretend to want to mother her and nurture her...only to turn around and be cruel and mean to her. I have always slept uneasy when she visits there. Its like the three of 'them' against 'her'. I know the drug dealing BF hates her..he's as much as admitted it to me. He is instumental in SD being kicked out...he has all the money so he calls the shots.

I know when she is over there, more lies will be told....more malicious crap made up. It has been so calm and she has just bloomed into a happy kid since the last fiasco...and since she learned some of the truth about her mom's lies. So much is 'makinf sense' to her now.

How would you prepare her? Would you say nothing at all?

I do not want her to hate her mom, I would like her to understand her for what she is, accept it and get past it. Unfortunately, I am positive her mother will do her harm, not good...and the boyfriend is an even worse problem.

*bows head to pray*

I need all the ideas I can get! She won't be visiting anytime soon as the once a month visit her mom requested(when we tried to get her to take eow to work on a relationship with SD) has just past...so it won't be for a while. I'll seriously consider anyone's input!!:-)
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Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.

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#183 - 06/09/04 01:13 AM My suggestion... [Re: Spring]
gr8Dad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 31796
I will assume that with all this going on, the child is seeing a therapist of some sort. Speak to the therapist about a get together with Mom and the SD. That way the SD is in a "comfort zone", and Mom is barred from doing MUCH harm, due to the Dr. being there. That way daughter can bring up issues that concern her, such as Mom's "in/out" attitude, and kicking her out, and Mom will either answer them, or not (which will have its own good effect on SD).
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Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...

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#184 - 06/09/04 02:16 PM Re: My suggestion... [Re: gr8Dad]
Spring Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 7973
Thanks gr8dad. We have tried this already. We originally hired a therapist two years ago for SD and her mother for the sole purpose of healing their strained relationship. Mom refused to come. After about four months of her no-shows....including the therapist calling the mom to invite her...we gave up. The sessions became more for just the kids. Hubby and I went as well at different times to help us cope with the mom's behavior. Last summer, when she first tried to kick the daughter out(after a year of counselling sessions) the therapist and my hubby convinced her to come to a session(just the mom and the therapist). The objective of the session was to come up with a summer schedule where mom had one on one time with both daughters...mostly to help this particular SD and her do some bonding. After about 45 minutes of the therapist listening to the mom go on about all her problems being because of me...she finally had the mom agree to a summer schedule that didn't include kicking the SD out. Less than 24 hours later, we got a call from mom screaming at hubby to come get her 'evil' child and she never wanted to see her face again. We did, and she's still here a year later. Incidentally, mom told SD that the only reason we were trying to get her to come to the therapist appointments was to make her mom spend her money. I dispelled that to SD when I told her that we paid for all the sessions including the one her mom came too...and that we had told her mom we would pay for her to work on the relationship with SD. I told her if she wanted proof I could show her the invoices. This was at a time when we decided that it was time for some of the truth to come forward. Mom has been lying about us for years but until then, not one bad word about her mom ever came from us. Still, it wasn't so much as saying bad things as setting the record straight.

I feel mom is a narcissist...of course this is my arm chair diagtnosis from all the research I've done on her behaviors. She is focussed on things all being about 'her'. I am very suspicious as well of her creep of a boyfriend. He doesn't like kids to start with and as soon as SD came to live with us, he moved back in with the mom and they announced they were getting married(until their drug bust put all their plans on hold). He was apparently the one who orchestrated this last extortion attempt with SD. He also orchestrated the one a year and a half ago when I was set up by them at my place of work. I feel that a large part of the reason she was brought back here is that he didn't want SD in his home. He always leaves when she is around according to SD. He always go to the bar when she's there. THe boyfriend is a control freak from what I have heard and it sounds like whatever he says goes...after all, he is supporting the mom. She used to work with him in the drug world but she was also arrested last November and they have been shut down since. I can only guess how tight their money is because I believe their assets were frozen. I think this is also causing much stress in their house. He owned eight homes he used as drug houses. He still has to pay mortgages on all of them plus the new monster house he bought a month prior to the bust...and those lawyer bills are huge I would bet as he has hired the best. He's not a pleasant man at the best of times.

Mom is using the situation with SD to play more of a victim role. Her version is we coaxed SD to come live with us...even with the attempts by us to NOT let it happen(not because we didn't want SD but because we want their relationship to work out) and our willingness to let her go back(until we understood that mom really hadn't changed). We truly do have SD's interests at heart. My biggest concern right now is that she is doing very well. One weekend with her mom and her self esteem will be attacked, her head will be filled with lies and she'll be made to feel like garbage because she lives with us. Her mom is the Queen of emotional abuse.

I talked withthe younger SD that lives with her mom yesterday. As usual, it's put on speaker phone and the younger one is a totally different person...she sounds afraid to talk to me. She has told me she isn't allowed to wave when she sees me in public when she's with her mom...she isn't allowed to mention my name when she's with her mom. Its really sad!

I would love for SD not to see her mom until we were able to build hewr self esteem up enough to act like a bullet proof vest for her mother's remarks. I know that isn't the "PC" thing to do and I would never deny a request from SD to visit or talk to her mom....but I can't help but worry about her when she's there. She's just doing so well...we've come so far in the past year but especially the past three months.

Any more suggestions now that you know a bit more?
_________________________
Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.

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#185 - 06/10/04 02:09 AM Re: SD and her Mom...how do we prepare her? [Re: Spring]
Java_Queen_Barb Offline
recently joined

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 11
Spring,
I feel for your SD. My bio mom and I had the same realtionship as your SD and her mom. I can't tell you how much I had to deal with as a child and an adult growing up. I went from hating her to feeling sorry for her to blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life.Finally, I just learned to "accept" her for her. It is hard, not understanding how the women who gave birth to you could forget YOUR birthday.My bio mom never called, sent cards or ANYTHING when it came to my birthday,muchless an other holiday. One year I called her and told her "you would think that you would of atleast remeberd the labor pains". I was hurt and angry. I call it the "abuse child syndrom",the more a parent pushes a child away the more a child wonders what they can do to *make the parent love them.Honestly, now as I look back, I can say my one and ONLY saving grace was my SM. She was the one that was there when my children were born, she is the one that didn't have to love me but decided to love me.You have a long walk ahead of you girlfriend, as does your SD.BUT as long as she has YOU she will be one very lucky little girl! The best you can do IMHO is not make up excuses for the BM,but be there to pick up the broken heart of that little girl.The biggest struggle your sd will have is learning to accept her BM for what she is.Nothing more nothing less. Good luck! And a billion hugs to you both!

*What is Cake without coffee?*

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#186 - 06/11/04 03:39 PM Re: SD and her Mom...how do we prepare her? [Re: Java_Queen_Barb]
Spring Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/04
Posts: 7973
Thanks Barb...I so totally agree with your take on this. I want her to learn that the problem lies within her mom and NOT my SD. I want her to learn to accept that her mom is incapable of being a 'normal' mom so she can put the 'blame' where it belongs. She is doing so well here since the negative influences of her mom and their household have not been in her life. She is always happy and smiling...super busy with friends and she's still pulling off really good grades. Still, I worry because I know where her mom's concerned, she's just ignoring the issue. We did feel she needed a break from it all and haven't sat down and talked to her about it in any indepth way, but we will once we approach her visiting her mom. Its about a month or more away at this point anyway so we'll see. I know her mom will never change but I just want a little more time to help my SD become a stronger girl...one more able to stand up to her mom. Shy had suggested a shorter visit in a neutral setting. I like that idea a lot.

Thanks for your inmput! Knowing that you've experienced what my SD is going thru...I might just call on you personally for some insight! :-)
_________________________
Never consider the possibility of failure; as long as you persist, you will be successful.

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