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#227898 - 05/10/07 04:21 AM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: BeckaLeigh]
ljnsy Offline
old hand

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
Thanks Becka,
The thing that really sucks is that I've been trying so hard to get along with my X. He has put me through the wringer the last year and a half and for that I retaliated and that went back and forth for quite a while. I finally got sick of the anger and the back and forth pot shots, called a meeting with him and his SO and asked for a truce. They agreed and now I think sh!t is going to hit the fan again and they will start in with me all over again.

I've finally begun to start feeling content with my life without a lot of conflict with them. Here we go again. Ugh!
_________________________
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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#227899 - 05/10/07 05:12 AM Is it a possibility... [Re: ljnsy]
gr8Dad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 31796
...that he is really mad at the fact that you did this without consulting him first? That you made this decision with NO input from him? COuld he be feeling that you KNEW he would have a problem with it, so you hid it from him?
_________________________
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...

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#227900 - 05/10/07 05:45 AM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: ljnsy]
mommy2boys Offline
addict

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 497
Loc: Louisiana
Just like everyone else here, you and the X are divorced for a reason, and you will not agree on everything just as it was in marriage.

You have every right to make a decision about what your child can and can not do while in your care, unless it is of a legal matter, your X doesn't have a say so in it and HE needs to understand that. Your child isn't being harmed in anyway by walking to school. If he even tries to have his parents or someone else pick up your child from school, I would make sure that you let him know that is a violation of the CO and you are capable of making decisions for your son, whether he thinks so or not.

Don't let his nonsense and control bother you. He only has as much control over you as you allow him to have. If he wants your son to have a sheltered life at his home, then that is his choice, but your son will benefit in the long run by having at least some responsibility and independence while with you, which will benefit him in the long run.

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#227901 - 05/10/07 09:41 AM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: mommy2boys]
Relayer Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 03/13/07
Posts: 9506
Loc: Moorglade Mover
[quote]Just like everyone else here, you and the X are divorced for a reason, and you will not agree on everything just as it was in marriage.

You have every right to make a decision about what your child can and can not do while in your care, unless it is of a legal matter, your X doesn't have a say so in it and HE needs to understand that. Your child isn't being harmed in anyway by walking to school. If he even tries to have his parents or someone else pick up your child from school, I would make sure that you let him know that is a violation of the CO and you are capable of making decisions for your son, whether he thinks so or not.

Don't let his nonsense and control bother you. He only has as much control over you as you allow him to have. If he wants your son to have a sheltered life at his home, then that is his choice, but your son will benefit in the long run by having at least some responsibility and independence while with you, which will benefit him in the long run. [/quote]

Quite simply, that is incorrect. If there is a joint custody CO, he has every right question this decision. If she has sole cusotdy, that is another story. In addition, this has nothing to do with "control". &lt;rolling eyes&gt; In addition, no child is ever "harmed walking to school" until someone pulls up in a car, abducts them, kills them ard buries them. Kids are abducted all the time. If not, there would be no need for the Amber Alert system.

In any respect, I am one who also walked to school each morning as a kid..around 8 blocks each way, and also spent tme alone (couple of hours) after school. And I did that from about the age of 6 on...but that was 30-40 years ago..and times were much different. I would say it depends on a number of things. The area you live in, if he is walking everyday with a group, what kind of relationship you have with the adult watching them (and if it is a formal agreement), does he have his own cell phone to contact you..in my was (this was mid '60s through mid 70's), when I was 10 or so, I have to admit that I got in trouble..nothing serious..just normal 10 year old stuff..but times were WAY different then..there were usually "Mom's" at home at various houses along the street I walked, so if I had some trouble, I could knock on a door and get help..that kind of stuff..but times have changed..plus, as far as being home alone, the first thing he is going to do is play video games or use the computer rather than homework..

As another example, I have 5 kids..ranging in ages 21 years old to 4 years old..my older ones..I would let walk home (it was about three blocks) but this was during the early-mid 90's..my little ones (both girls), I wouldn't let walk up until they were out of grade school..not in this day and age..forget it..

I don't think it has anything to do with control but rather concern. However, he needs to shut his big mouth about "the only ones who take care of you". That's BS and make sure the boy knows it. If Nana and Papa want to pick him up, be happy and thankful and let them..

As far as your son feeling like he is being treated like a baby, he is only 10. I am sure he feels grown up but making him go to sleep at 10:00pm everynight, brushing his teeth, having him clean his room or giving Mommy a hug also probably amkes him feel like a baby too. That's kind of what 10 year olds do. Don't let it bother you.

Also, you (and any parent here) might want to visit http://www.missingkids.com/ as theyhave a lot of tips on how to keep your kids safe.
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GO CUBBIES!!!!

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#227902 - 05/10/07 01:12 PM Re: Is it a possibility... [Re: gr8Dad]
ljnsy Offline
old hand

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
Gr8dad, I don't hide anything from him. I knew he would find out soon enough since I am not like him and do not tell DS to "hide" things from his father. There have plenty of instances where his father has told DS "Don't tell your mother." but DS tells me anyway.

I do not consult with his father about ANYTHING. I don't tell him what time I have DS go to bed, brush his teeth, where I let him go play,what I feed him, what friend's house he's spending the night at on my weekend, who is babysitting him if I am not available, how often he uses the bathroom.If he asks me, I will tell him anything he wants to know even if I DO think he will have a problem with it.

On the flip side, DAD makes the decisions as to what DS can and can't do when HE has him and doesn't call me to CONSULT with me about anything either.

I have been raising DS BY MYSELF since he was born. Dad had no interest in helping me even when we were still married. After we separated he didn't even want to bother to see DS for quite a while saying that I TRICKED him into having a kid...like he didn't know how that worked. I will continue to do what I think is necessary WITHOUT calling X every time there is a decision to be made unless it's a medical, or life threatening problem.

My X and his SO have done nothing but attempt to cause problems for me for the last 5+ years now. They have done nothing but try to "get something on me" to use against me to NO avail. Perhaps the reason for that is so they can attempt to offset SEVERAL instances of domestic violence that have occurred between the two of them IN FRONT OF DS....THEN telling DS that it was HIS fault they were slapping each other around. YOU don't know the history of my X. I have VERY good reasons to not ask his opinion...I DO NOT value it. The ONLY reason DS even sees his father is because it's court ordered and I HAVE to make him go.
_________________________
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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#227903 - 05/10/07 01:16 PM Re: Is it a possibility... [Re: ljnsy]
ljnsy Offline
old hand

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
Also, how the he!! is DS supposed to get to school?? I have to be to work at 8:30am. School starts at 8:30am...are you getting it?
_________________________
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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#227904 - 05/10/07 02:08 PM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: ljnsy]
BeckaLeigh Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/08/05
Posts: 6879
Loc: Texas
That kind of reminds me of my situation. Except I have done things to inflame him without that intent. Anyway, he sees the kids maybe 3 or 4 times a year. All of a sudden, the other day he tells our daughter to put me on the phone, and proceeds to ask me if the kids have a bedtime, if they brush their teeth and get a shower every night. Now, the first things out of my mouth were they dont have toothebrushes, they party all night and what the heck is a shower? The,I grabbed my sense, said their bedtime is 8, they brush their teeth in FRONT of me at 7:30, and they start showers at 6. He said he was just playing but he was serious when he asked me. I didnt start a fight over it but he has never asked anything like that before. After our son, 7, broke his arm while with X's parents last November, on Turkey day break, I drove 200 miles to be with our son in the hospital for 3 days because X couldnt be bothered. I agree, UGH!!
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I tried being normal once. Worst five minutes of my life.

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#227905 - 05/10/07 02:20 PM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: Relayer]
ljnsy Offline
old hand

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
"If there is a joint custody CO, he has every right question this decision. If she has sole cusotdy, that is another story."

----&gt; We have joint legal custody and I have sole physical custody.

"In addition, this has nothing to do with "control". "

----&gt; True. This has nothing to do with control but it does have something to do with X grasping at straws to get something "on me" (which he has been trying to do for years with absolutely NO success)in order to attempt to divert attention to the domestic violence in HIS home with his SO. &lt;see my post to gr8dad&gt;.

"Kids are abducted all the time. If not, there would be no need for the Amber Alert system."

----&gt; True, but he can just as easily be abducted while playing outside. It is something I worry about but there are LOTS of things to worry about when you're raising a child ALONE.

"I would say it depends on a number of things. The area you live in, if he is walking everyday with a group,"

----&gt; We do not live in a dangerous neighborhood and the crime rate in my town is extremely low. There have been NO instances of child abductions in this town EVER, that I have heard of (not saying that it's not a possibility), and I grew up here. I do NOT allow him to walk alone. He walks with 4, 5 or sometimes more kids.

"what kind of relationship you have with the adult watching them (and if it is a formal agreement), does he have his own cell phone to contact you."

----&gt; The adult watching him is very responsible. She has 3 kids of her own 2 boys and 1 girl. She loves my DS and treats him as if he were her own and I do the same with her children. DS does not carry a cell phone to school but his friend does. After I get home, if DS wants to go to his friends house or the park, I give him my cell phone so I can call him to check on him or he can call me to ask if he can go somewhere else and then I make him call me when he arrives at his destination and I also make him call me to let me know he is on his way home.

-----&gt; I remember the old days as well. It really sucks that it's not possible for things to be as they were then. I rode back and forth to school on the bus because it was way too far away for me to walk but when I was 12, I absolutely loved horses and helped a woman with hers. I would get off the bus every day at the end of their road and walk about 4 miles ALONE to get the the farm. I used to love those walks.

I also remember going out to play and being able to wander all over the neighborhood without having to tell my parents where I was. As long as I was home for dinner, it didn't matter. I really wish our children had the same lifestyle that we all had when we were growing up.

Thanks for the link. I'll look at it, but I have had numerous discussions with DS about staying safe and what to do if he feels he is in danger. I'm sure there are things on there that I have not thought of.
_________________________
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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#227906 - 05/10/07 02:27 PM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: BeckaLeigh]
ljnsy Offline
old hand

Registered: 03/08/06
Posts: 857
Loc: NH
LOL, Oh Becka, DS talks to his father on the phone at least 4 times during the week. His father talks very loudly and sometimes I can hear what he is saying. He tells DS, "Make sure your mom has you take a shower and brush your teeth." "Make sure your mom has you in bed at a decent hour." It really makes my blood boil.

I think the same way. No,showers aren't important and who cares about a few rotten teeth? And bed? Why would I make him go to bed?

Funny thing is, I don't know how many times I have to tell the X that DS needs to be to bed a certain time because if he doesn't, he is a complete snot. He pays no attention and on the weekends he has him lets him stay up as long as he wants and then complains to me that DS was "hard to deal with." I can't win.
_________________________
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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#227907 - 05/10/07 06:13 PM Re: DS and Walking to School (Also on SF Board) [Re: ljnsy]
MominNY Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/07
Posts: 131
Loc: New York
I'd Call CPS and ask them what the laws are, that way you will know for sure if dad can cause legal issues with CPS. As for abductions, they happen more frequently with children that are walking alone.

The only issue I can see is that you have joint custody, he may have a case if he brought you to court. (I personally see nothing wrong with what you’re doing, many people have children that age already staying home by themselves).

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