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#228314 - 05/11/07 02:53 AM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: nrvouswrk]
4yroldmom Offline
newbie

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 40
I have been keeping track since day one. he has never been good about seeing son and has only wanted to take him when he is going to receive money from his parents - it's like he is showing his son off so that they will help him. I feel like his inconsistancy is harmful to my son. We have a good life I work hard and have worked for the same place for 15 years. I am remarried and we do things as a family. I provide for him and carry his medical. I have never asked for anything except for his father to pay the very little child support he has been asked to pay and to follow his visitation order. 2 years ago he slammed the door in my face and said he never wanted to see son again, changed his mind after we went to court for child support. He did it again and when I filed modification request I ended up recinding request because emotionally it was taking a toll on my family. He was saying and doing things that just were not true and I had a new baby and didn't want to add anymore stress to the situation. He of course promised he would follow his visitation to the T, but has not. I am just wondering when is enough enough? Son is going to be 6 in August. I am harming my son by allowing this inconsistency to continue?

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#228315 - 05/11/07 02:55 AM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
mommy2boys Offline
addict

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 497
Loc: Louisiana
You can not change the schedule at a whim, you are court ordered to let son be with his father from 9a Sat to 9a on Sunday, until that is changed via court order you can not dictate when he will see your son. If he can't be there at 9am on Sat, then he doesn't get to see your son, unless oyu two can agree to something different. Children of divorce whose parents don't live in the same city, or state often times go for months without seeing the NCP, your sons father was obviously not in the area for a while, therefore he could not exercise his visitation as the schedule says. Stick to the schedule as it is court ordered, until it is changed legally. You might want to remind him if he takes son this weekend then you will have him on fathers day, that is just how it happens to work out on the calander.

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#228316 - 05/11/07 03:01 AM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
nrvouswrk Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 04/13/06
Posts: 2362
He sounds EXACTLY like my ex. What I learned is that there is nothing more frustrating to a control freak, than having nothing to control. So play along...

If he is anything like mine, the more you put up a fuss and he realizes he is getting to you, the more determined he will be.

Go along with the visitation without a fuss. I use to let the ex think that he was actually doing ME a favor by taking the kid. That way my husband and I could be alone and all lovey dovey. When he wants the kid, say "That is GREAT!!! I was hoping you would want to see him! Now I can go ....I didn't have a sitter, but this solves my problem!" He will cancel...

As for the CS, go for what he should be paying. That is for your child. Of course he won't be happy about it, but happiness is not one of life's entitlements.

You never want to get yourself into a pissing contest with a skunk! You have to be smarter than that...


Edited by nrvouswrk (05/11/07 03:02 AM)

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#228317 - 05/11/07 04:00 AM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: nrvouswrk]
4yroldmom Offline
newbie

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 40
I really could kick myself at this point because if I would have just left the arrears go and the fact that he promised to pay by 12/15 then he probably would still be leaving us alone and there would be no worrying about what scene he is going to pull next. Seriously, I don't really need the money he is required to pay. It's just nice to get once in awhile so we can go to a special movie just my son and I or I can buy him those "new" clothes that he needs instead of continuing to wearing hand me downs. It's really really really hard to see him with my son. It's even harder when he convinces his mom to call me - the one who left me a message when we broke up telling me I should never have had my son. Oh yes I still have a copy of that tape from over 5 years ago. I will never forget that day, that was the day I knew she didn't care about her grandson. Then I learned the whole truth about what she did to her kids and why she felt the need to continue to supply her son with money so he didn't have to work or own up to his own responsibilities. She left her family behind with their father for someone else. She never paid child support and good lord if you asked her to spend a weekend with them that was torture. Now, however, married or not, working or not she will give him whatever he needs. How did I get involved with her just as crazy son????? Oh yes, I was VERY young and obviously not to smart. I learned not to trust him, after I found out I was pregnant, after some things he did like staying out all night, calls from ex girlfriends and taking money out of an account that I thought I had hidden from him. He was definately verbally abusive towards me but how do you prove that? I tried sooooooooo hard to make this amicable and I am just at my wits end now. I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is ok. The thought of my son acting like his dad does today makes me crazy. I can't sleep at night. I am very strict with him because I think it is important but my husband tells me I need to slow down and remember that he has a good family now to help him grow up regardless of the other environment. He is soooo confused when he comes home from the other place. If I do have to let him see his BF again I am definately going to take son to a counselor and I will definately work on going to counselor together for family session. I have never been afraid to ask for help when I need it and I just want to make sure I'm not doing anything to hurt my son.

Please don't hold any mispelled words against me - it is late here :)

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#228318 - 05/11/07 04:24 AM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
You can't choose to deny parenting time just based on his inconsistency. No, it doesn't feel "fair," but that's the way it works. There's rarely any consequence for a non-custodial parent who doesn't observe his/her parenting time....unless it's been a very long period of time with zero contact. Even under those circumstances, it's usually just a period of reunification before regular visitation is started again. The only person who can make that decision is a judge.

Maybe your ex does have lousy motives for wanting to spend time with your son, but that's not a call for you to make. The really crappy part is that denial of parenting time is grounds for a change in custody in many jurisdictions. If your ex can show a court that his job really has prevented him from being present for his other scheduled parenting times, it will reflect very poorly on you. There are many occupations that have that result.

Five months isn't that long of a period of time. I'm sure your son still knows his father, and would probably love to spend some time with him. You can have a huge impact on how well he adjusts to the absences.

If your ex were to return to court, there's a high probability that he will be awarded more parenting time. Twenty-four hours every 14 days is peanuts. So what you open yourself up to is having to deal with this issue even more often.

As long as the wife is driving, he's not breaking any laws. If Mother's Day is a big deal to you, I would offer the next weekend instead, for maybe a longer period of time...say Sat 9AM to Sunday at 6PM....or even this weekend, but for different hours....say Friday at 5PM to Saturday at 7PM....so you can still observe the holiday.

Either way....he's still your son's father, and still has a court order that has to be followed....even if it's only when he decides to show-up. Oh...and the police thing is an empty threat, unless he's specifically awarded this exact weekend by your CO....and even then, the most common result is that it's official documentation if/when he really decides to go to court.

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#228319 - 05/11/07 12:43 PM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
momx3 Offline
old hand

Registered: 04/19/06
Posts: 1036
I have always found that with these type of "fly by parents" that this "crisis" you're experiencing now is only temporary. As a previous poster said, make him think you're doing him a favor. The just remind him that the CO says 9 am Sat until 9 am Sunday, and that still allows plenty of time for you to celebrate Mother's day with your son.

Just remain calm, do not let him "smell your fear," because exes are like animals, they CAN smell it and they WILL feed off it. Be [censored]. Do not argue with him. He may choose to go ahead and exercise this visitation, but I bet you won't see him again for a long while. That is usually how they operate.

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#228320 - 05/11/07 01:52 PM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
PhoenixRising Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/05/07
Posts: 3681
Loc: New York
All of what you said reflects poorly on him as a husband. But won't be taken into consideration in determining visitation.

You need to be very careful when bad-mouthing your child's father, even when everything that you are saying is true.

Courts determine the "better" parent partially based on which parent is more willing to support the other parent's relationship.

If he can find witnesses that testify to you saying these things about him or worse yet, say these things in front of your child. He could file to overturn custody or at least request 50/50 custody.

You will find here, many parents that worry about the other parent's choices, we will support you and sympathize but you cannot withhold visitation.

PS: As other posters said, calling the police is an empty threat in 98% of the jurisdictions across the US; police will refuse to get involved in a civil matter.

What they will do though is write-up a report that he then can take to court and use against you.

In my case, the policeman brought out 3yrs of calendars and calculated that is was my ex'z EOW. But it wasn't; because we had flipped weekends. It didn't matter, because the CO takes precedence over verbal agreements.

If it is his weekend, if behooves you to follow the CO; otherwise it puts you in a negative light if he takes you to court. BTDT {{sympathy}}

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#228321 - 05/11/07 06:15 PM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
There is not much about a CO that is emotionally "fair". IT's not set up for emotions. The way it seems your CO is written you really don't have a choice in giving him the time. It doesn't matter that he hasn't seen his son in 4 or 5 months. The CO lists the minimum amount of time he is allowed, and there is nothing to force him to take it. You're frustrated, and maybe rightfully so. This is YOUR situation and you're in the middle of it. We are not and can only tell you non-emotionally what you are bound to. I didn't hear that there was anything in there that gives you the right to demand a reunification period when dad disappears for a few months. Since there isn't you don't get to. If he shows up with the police alone you can definitely bring up the license. They will look it up and will not allow him to take the child if it IS suspended. They may even take him in or write him a ticket for driving with a suspended license. If he turns up with his wife driving the police will not stop the visistation on the idea that he "might end up driving after they leave." They may warn him against driving without a licesne but they can't follow him around to make sure he doesn't. It doesn't matter what he or his mother have done and said in the past. All of us have stories similar to yours and have hurtful situations we can drag up. It doesn't matter in court.

I'm sorry, I know that these are not the things you want to hear but the way your CO is there is nothing you can do.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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#228322 - 05/11/07 06:40 PM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
cincsu Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 4687
Loc: residence in AZ, case in CA
irregardless of what is going on with the child support it is still your obligation to follow your CO. if he doesn't show up it's your problem, and it sucks. since this has been going on for 5 months you should consider petitioning to reduce visitation to the amount of time that dad is available so you aren't stuck in this predicament.

is this his weekend to see the child? he could file contempt if you don't let him go.
_________________________
wife of 1, mother of 2, stepmother of .3475902453

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#228323 - 05/11/07 06:41 PM Re: No visitation since 1/1 and now saying he wants [Re: 4yroldmom]
cincsu Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 4687
Loc: residence in AZ, case in CA
why would it be stressful for him? there were periods of years that i didn't see my grandparents, but i was never stressed when they arrived.
_________________________
wife of 1, mother of 2, stepmother of .3475902453

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