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#375585 - 04/07/08 06:52 PM Help
blueiris385 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 5
Me and my wife have been together for 3 years. We've only been married for nine months. My grandfather died one week ago. I was having a hard time with it. Then two days ago my wife turned to me and said she didn't think it was working. She went on to say that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. She wouldn't talk about going to counseling or anything just said that it wouldn't help. She later said she saw us more as friends and that we rushed into things. Later however she admitted she loved me and loved me as more than a friend. She said that she felt like she missed out on a huge part of her life as a single person. She want's us to be single but not to see other people. Then later she said maybe we should see other people to see who's out there. But she keeps saying its not about her being with someone else. We however, for the time being are going to keep living together. We also are talking and still have a good relationship. I don't get it. I need help. I love her with all my heart, I always have. I'm uncomfortable with the situation, but its better then her leaving and me not seeing her everyday. What do I do. All I can think about is hurting myself. However the hope that things will work out are keeping me together. I don't want help with the suicidal thoughts. I can manage that on my own. What can I do. I need her. Should I just give her the space for now and hope she realizes I'm what she wants and needs. I can't live without her. Please help.

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#375586 - 04/07/08 07:26 PM Re: Help [Re: blueiris385]
FinallyFree38 Offline
member

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 145
If she will not go to counseling, go yourself. And yeah, you can live without her if necessary.

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#375587 - 04/07/08 09:43 PM Re: Help [Re: blueiris385]
matart1 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
first off - snap out of it - there is not one person worth it that you should feel the need to hurt yourself over - you are better than that...

it does not sound like she had her heart into the marriage and into your wellbeing. I obviously do not know her but regardless, has she ever heard of the word compassion..??
your having a hard time dealing with the death of a family memeber and she can't stick with her story on what she wants to be when she grows up...

if your wife refuses counseling then you probably should go if anything but for yourself. good luck to you.
_________________________
Life is a long lesson in humility.

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#375588 - 04/08/08 11:57 AM Re: Help [Re: matart1]
notsosunny Offline
newbie

Registered: 01/10/08
Posts: 30
BlueIris...please seek help for yourself to get you thru this rough time. Do not handle suicidal thoughts by yourself, also thru this forum someone had suggested looking at the divorcebusting.com site Give it a try, good information there. You are in a very young marriage and just suffered the death of your grandfather...TAKE care of yourself first and go from there. Good luck

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#375589 - 04/08/08 02:24 PM Re: Help [Re: blueiris385]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Please seek some counseling as the other posters have suggested. Suicide is a serious thought to have running through your mind. You need to try to deal with those feelings first.

I am sorry that you are going through this with your wife. You ask what you can do? See a counselor, keep yourself busy, turn to family/friends for support, church if you go to church...anything to get your mind off the pain.

Figure out a plan or plans,,,you can try to save your marriage with her and you can also have a backup plan. What will you do if she does decide to leave the marriage? You may have to live without her. It hurts, yes it does and many of us on these boards have had this happen.

Keep posting here, you will get much support and please seek some help on the feelings you are having to hurt yourself.

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#375590 - 04/08/08 04:03 PM Re: Help [Re: Annie7676]
blueiris385 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 5
Thanks for the support everyone. I really need it. I can't tell that this is really hard on her too, but I don't think nearly as much. She says she just needs some space, wants to be single for a while and see whats out there. Not sure what that means especially in the long run. She seems to want to do things without me, go out of town, hang out with friends. I don't see why she couldn't do stuff like that while we were together. I don't understand why not being with me could make things better for her.

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#375591 - 04/08/08 04:26 PM Re: Help [Re: blueiris385]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Well why do you think? She wants to hang with others, not with you and be single? Single, be single....usually means they do not want to be married anymore...

I do not mean to be negative, I am all for saving a marriage but if the other partner has checked out and "wants" to be single then thats usually an indication they have checked out....

You can hang and hope/pray that she changes her mind and do whatever is necessary to try to save the marriage but if one partner wants out then nothing can save the marriage.

Guess you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with yourself...she has told you she doesn't want to be with "you" but others...because you love her and want to be married I understand your concerns but again...what is your gut telling you as to why she wants to leave.

It so incredibly hard when one marriage partner wants to be "single"...I have been there and done that...the best advice I can offer is seek the counseling for yourself...keep busy and focus on you and what you are doing. Sometimes and I am not saying your situation is like this, the best thing to do is walk away and focus on letting her go....it may save you alot of pain and heartache.

I loved my X of almost 30 yrs of marriage and tried to save a marriage but he had checked out...I would have saved myself so much pain had I just worked hard at accepting it.

I hate to see others go through so much pain.

You deserve to have someone in your life that loves you...and that person will not want to hang out with the single life....

good luck to you.

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#375592 - 04/08/08 07:13 PM Re: Help [Re: Annie7676]
blueiris385 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 04/07/08
Posts: 5
Does everyone think I should kick her out. Her mother moved to Dallas and she doens't have anywhere to go. Her choice is her dads couch in a small apartment. She's working but waiting to hear if she got into nursing school next month. Then she won't be working. I don't know what to do. Its killing me to see her everyday like this but I think it will be worse not to see her daily.

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#375593 - 04/08/08 08:31 PM Re: Help [Re: blueiris385]
matart1 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 09/01/05
Posts: 2798
she is stringing you along right now as a puppet with your emotions.

it does not sound like there is an "us" when it comes to how she views you. protect yourself first and foremost.
if she does not have her heart in the marriage then you are basically providing a free ride.
read up on the alimony board.
you haven't been married long but it still happens all the same.

it doesn't sound like that she can make up her mind with what she wants other than she wants her cake and eat it too...

she is a big girl making decisions and where she ends up is her problem. this is the life she is chosing and it does not sound like it will include you willingly.
you shouldn't have to feel like you have to make her love you.
_________________________
Life is a long lesson in humility.

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#375594 - 04/08/08 09:53 PM Re: Help [Re: blueiris385]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
I re-read your post, "she loves you as a friend"....Isnt that the kiss of death for most guys?

She has no where to go...well tell her to go play with her single friends and that life she wants so much...let her single friends take her in and take care of her

I am truly sorry to be so harsh and unfeeling here but tell me what good is it going to do to keep hanging on to someone who has told you she does not love you, made a mistake and rushed into things????

so who will support her when she goes to nursing school are you the free ride, the other poster is right, read the alimony board here and the other boards.

Kick her out? Don't know about that...its hard because you want to save your marriage we all understand that, kinda like been there, done that....I wish for you that it works but truthfully its like re-arranging chairs on a ship going down...

It will be worse not seeing her daily yes it will but isn't it worse hearing she doesn't love you, likes you as a friend and she made a mistake?

Sounds to me like she regrets being married. You didnt say how old you are but the fact you don't have children at this stage is good...

by all means try to save your marriage but if I were you, to be tough I would say you want the single life, then go bed down on Dad's couch, have a nice life...

remember you deserve to be loved in a marriage, thats why you got married right?

do you feel loved?

again I am sorry to be so blunt here only you can know if its worth it and we only know your side...but my X of almost 30 yrs told me he didn't love me either and that was after a long marriage and two children...i hung on way to long....and the end was inevitable....

you may save yourself alot of extra pain if you just let her go...and get on with your life...you can do it you know...

good luck with whatever choice you make here

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