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#422560 - 08/03/08 02:44 AM Is separation a good thing?
jcamis Offline
recently joined

Registered: 08/03/08
Posts: 2
My wife and I have been struggling for some time, maybe 2 years dating back to before conceiving our little one (18 mos.). Been married 7 years. Our issues are similar to what pmforeman posted in the 'desparate to save my marriage post'. Basically my wife is questioning loving me anymore, there's no intimacy and she doesn't know what she wants. We have a good life and we do not fight, just your typical disagreements. It makes no sense. There is no adultery, we live comfortably, and abuse is out of the question (ironically she's a DV Program Director).

Really though - I'm an "all-in" or "all-out" kind of guy. I hate the middle ground and am not good in that gray area. I'm skeptical about separating (meaning I move out) because I feel like it just provides less time for communication and more time to feel lonely, which can lead to feelings of "I want to keep it going because I'm lonely" rather than wanting it because you know that's what makes you happiest (just like many HS & College romances). I want her to want to be married to me, not doing it for a child or because she's lonely or because life will be harder. She's not perfect, nor am I. But I knew early on I could accept the 20% of non-perfectness and be completely happy in life with her. I assumed she could do the same with me (more than 20% for me though).

But for my own piece of mind, I sometimes wonder if it will be best for me, since it will allow me to just move on (I feel it would certainly end in divorce though, which isn't what I want, but figure I'll have to live with if it happens).

And let me say thank you in advance. No one knows of our issues, save a couple long distance friends with no connection to where we live. We're both successful in our small town and I feel like if our marriage fails this will be a big "public" failure. I so appreciate a forum like this!

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#422561 - 08/03/08 05:56 AM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: jcamis]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
I'm still deciding what to do with my marriage too, so I can't offer any words of wisdom on seperation.

I have had children who were 18 months old in the past...... Can you say stressful ?!?! Have the 2 of you tried counseling ? Maybe that would help you to figure out why your wife is so unhappy......is her problem with your relationship or frustration from dealing with a toddler and not feeling supported

Counseling did not "fix" my marriage, but it did cement for me that my marriage can never be the partnership that I wanted, so in that respect, it was very helpful

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#422562 - 08/03/08 02:56 PM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: finz]
Airor Offline
recently joined

Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 9
Have you considered that your "black or white" look on the world might be a contributing factor to the current problems that you face? I struggle heavily with this same problem, but have learned over the years that most everything really is gray, and you have to take that into account or you just make yourself miserable.

If you do decide to do a separation, make sure that you have agreed upon what the purpose of the separation is, and what rules there will be. Even one or two sessions with a marriage counselor could help you to clarify that, but, just as an example:

Would you date? Would you sleep around? How long will the separation last? What is the goal of the separation?

If you both have those types of things (and others) written down and agreed upon, it seems that my reading indicates the chances for the separation to be successful are much higher.

I am not a counselor, but I am seeing one, and this is some of what they have communicated to me.

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#422563 - 08/03/08 02:58 PM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: Airor]
Airor Offline
recently joined

Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 9
I'll also add that if you "feel certain that separation will end in divorce" it almost certainly will. Predetermining the outcome in a negative way will likely cause it to happen the way you expect.

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#422564 - 08/04/08 02:59 AM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: Airor]
jcamis Offline
recently joined

Registered: 08/03/08
Posts: 2
I don't think the problem is the toddler. I'm a very involved dad. I take her on daddy-daughter days often, as well as whole family stuff. And I share in most everything around the house. My wife even took a 4 day vacation on her own for some relaxation (a big step for any new mom). I just can't think it's the baby...but who knows.

As for the black & white - I should clarify, mainly I think this way in relationships - I'm either all in or all out. I don't want to live in limbo, wondering when, if and how my wife loves me. I love her to death and can't imagine a different life. However, I'm trying to prepare myself for just that should that be what's decided. Knowing I love her, I feel like saying we should separate and going through with moving out would be a cop-out for me and give her the easy way out too. As stupid as it may be, I feel if she wants the separation or to end it, then she should be the one to say so.

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#422565 - 08/05/08 06:22 PM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: jcamis]
yregna Offline
veteran

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
As in most marriages, your wife has zero incentive to stay married. If you can think of a reason for her to stay married to you, maybe there is a chance. You want to stay married, but she doesn't, and she has every right to take the kid and exit with zero loss.

You wonder why divorce rate is sooo high ?
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"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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#422566 - 08/05/08 06:43 PM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: yregna]
johnson27 Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 2435
I think there are alot of factors that have to be taken into consideration. I was with my ex husband for 10 years to include dating, then marriage. I was young when i met him and i feel like the older i got the more we grew apart because i was growing and our marriage wasn't. The things that i found attractive in him in my younger years weren't so attractive anymore as i got older. Then you add the stress of life in general, especially with feelings of who's pulling more weight. Although you may feel like you two are pulling the same amount of weight, she may feel differently. Two people can look at the same situation and see two totally different things. That's why i feel like early on it's best to sit down and discuss what is expected from whom. Needless to say, my feelings of "being in love" weren't there anymore for him. But i think what everybody needs to realize is that those "in love" feelings eventually fade for every relationship. Thats when the relationship becomes "work". Sometimes people feel like oh well i can find someone who i will have those "in love" feelings with forever. When the intimacy left so did i mentally. I believe i should have tried harder in my marriage to make it work, but i didn't see any hope. I think it's important to exhaust all options before considering seperation, such as seeking a counselor. I wouldn't be overbearing.....this is probably a bad analogy, but imagine a car salesman following you around trying to get you to buy a car, you just want to get away from him and look on your own at your own pace, and when you need him, you will go to him. Same concept, hounding her about the situation at hand may push her away even more. Give her a little bit of space, but at the same time try to work thru the problems in a manner than will allow her some breathing room.
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

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#422567 - 02/03/12 11:51 PM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: jcamis]
Holding_on_2 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 1
Hello everyone, I'm joined this forum because I am three months into a "trial separation" and it was thrust upon me, not by choice mind you, when my wife decided to move back to her parents house in California (we were living in Chicago) with my 2 1/2 year old little girl. The verdict is out on whether or not it is a good thing or not. We have continued to see each other (I fly back every other week or so) we still make love, and I believe we are being faithful to one another. My hope still lives that we will be able to resolve our issues and get back together someday, soon I hope. I have so much to say about this I can write for days on it. I guess I will simplify and shorten it to the best of my ability. We were fighting A LOT! I felt she was shirking her responsibilities as a wife and mother and she tired from me constantly grinding on her. We were caught in a vortex no doubt about it!! Well...it finally blew out. We've been together for 5 1/2 years and married for 3 1/2. We lost our business, had a child, and moved to a new city all within a short window of time and the pressures of all of it really took its toll on us. She became very distant, facebooking all the time, texting her friends and I suddenly went from the KING of her world to the lowly pack mule (that's how I felt). Well since she's been gone I have made very positive changes to my life and so has she. I have gotten totally sober (we partied a lot), have taken up working out, created a spiritual regiment for myself, and I'm getting stronger by the day. She has stabilized emotionally, has become a better mother to my daughter, and has lost A LOT of the anxiety she was experiencing as a result of living in the pressure cooker of our relationship. Those are the good parts...Now for the bad...I am questioning my trust for her more than I ever have, I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that she abandoned me (emotionally while she was with me) and then physically when she moved away at a time when I needed her the most (what happened to "in good times and in bad"), disrupted the relationship I have with my daughter without a second thought, and I question whether I can ever TRULY believe in her again, regardless to how well we are individually. I also struggle with serious resentment and what seems to me to be a form of polite pretending when we do talk with one another. I know that I have done things wrong in our relationship but deep in my heart I am having a tough time believing in this method of dealing with our issues. I do however remain hopeful. So will it work??? God I hope so! I hope this helps...

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#422568 - 02/04/12 11:53 PM Re: Is separation a good thing? [Re: Holding_on_2]
javajunkiee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 3200
Loc: SC
"I am questioning my trust for her more than I ever have, I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that she abandoned me (emotionally while she was with me) and then physically when she moved away at a time when I needed her the most (what happened to "in good times and in bad"), disrupted the relationship I have with my daughter without a second thought, and I question whether I can ever TRULY believe in her again, regardless to how well we are individually."

Your wife is probably questioning the exact same things of you. How can she trust YOU to stay sober (aka emotional abandonment), quit partying (replacing her with other interaction), provide a stable environment for your daughter (done things wrong in your relationship).

As strong as you may become apart, you still need to work on the root cause of your split. If your visits to CA consist of 48 hrs of holding hands and bouncing your daughter on your knee, nothing is getting resolved. I'd recommend finding a marriage counselor that will see you on a Saturday and incorporate that into your weekends. You will want to find out sooner rather than later if your marriage is salvageable; once your wife establishes residency in CA she can file for divorce and custody there instead of IL.

ETA: You should really start your own thread. Net etiquette says its not very polite to jump on someone elses thread; its kind of like interrupting someone else's conversation. Just a friendly fyi.


Edited by javajunkiee (02/04/12 11:55 PM)
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