I think I posted here a few times a couple of years ago, when my husband and I were in a bad place. Things got better for a while, but we are back to looking at divorce again. We're both pretty unhappy, and he's very negative and I'm pretty sure suffering from depression, which he refuses to talk to a doctor about.

Anyway, we had a big fight last week, and we were both engaging in some of our worst fighting behaviors (him: uber defensive, building strawmen, interpreting everything I said in the worst possible way; me: falling apart, crying, getting so angry that I just started yelling and stopped making any sense.)

Last night, we were alone together in the car and I was just making conversation about fixing up some stuff around the house, and he got very negative and unpleasant (I think he had been drinking with a buddy of his earlier that day), and I told him I wondered if we should separate, and he said "I figured we already were divorced, we were just staying together for the sake of the kids."

This sort of came as a surprise to me, because I feel like I've been communicating with him pretty well (although I do stifle myself a lot when I am angry with him, since speaking while angry tends to not be terribly productive given our dynamic).

So I think we're finally at the point where we are ready to end it.

On to questions:

We've been married 20 years, and have 2 kids - a 19 year old who is in college and lives on her own, and an 11 year old who is in 6th grade.

At various points in our marriage, I've supported him through unemployed periods, and he's done the same for me. We've often made about the same amount of money - there were some years where I made more, and some where he made more.

My preference would be to move forward in as non-adversarial a way as possible. I think he would be amenable to the same, because he would not want to increase the stress on our kids.

So how much of a divorce can you negotiate through mediation? I have read that CT is an equitable distribution state, but I'm not 100% sure what that means. For example, I have a 401K which is significantly healthier than his (although it's lost almost half it's value in the last year). Would a divorce require me to split that 401K up?

How does alimony work? Is it based on current income or an average over the course of a marriage?

And how about debt? We have an unfortunately significant amount of credit card debt, almost entirely my fault...I would rather keep the responsibility for paying that off, since I'm the one who did the irresponsible spending.

TIA for any advice or suggestions.