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#490061 - 02/22/09 06:27 AM Don't know what to do
cinnest Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/22/09
Posts: 3
I was married in July..we are both older and he was married to the same woman for 30 yrs...she died from cancer 5 yrs ago. I was single for 19 yrs. Now that I moved into his house (supposed to be temporary only and it has been almost a year) he is in total control..I'm not comfortable even putting my pictures on the walls and I feel like I'm in a prison. He has a double personality that I did not know. If he gets upset he won't talk for at least 4 days...or when he does he says aweful things like i ruined his life...or another time he said "oh go jump" or FU, saying he feels like a mealticket after he told me to stop working!..blames everything on me...won't go to counseling and is never sexually agressive blaming me for not having sex...I'm sick of it and when he says those ugly things it is very hurtful and kills all feelings. I want out of this but I gave up my job and now under his roof. Can I get him to pay alimony until I get back on my feet? I'm also afraid he is going to let my indoor cats out when he gets mad and I feel trapped! Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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#490062 - 02/22/09 06:38 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
Maury Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 8182
Loc: This Asylum --->
It would be very unlikely on such a short term marriage. I would start looking for employment.

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#490063 - 02/23/09 03:05 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Maury]
apples Offline
journeyman

Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Illinois
Get a job and start stashing away money in order to get out. There is really no way you will get alimony on such a short marriage. I'm sure states differ on the number of years and circumstances, but usually you're talking around a 10 year maarriage requirement for alimony to be an option.

You may want to see if there is a friend who will let your cats stay with them while you work if you are afraid he'll let them out. There are also pet daycare centers in some areas, but that will use up some of your get away money.

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#490064 - 02/23/09 03:31 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
shortmarriage Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 1773
What did you enter the marriage with? Financially?

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#490065 - 02/24/09 04:07 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
I can't see a judge ordering alimony. You have only been out of the workforce for a year. Alimony is usually intended for a spouse who was a stay at home parent and out of the workforce for many years. It's usually meant for that spouse to be able to upgrade their education or have time to find employment. Even though in retrospect it was a bad one you made a choice. As others suggested you really need to get a job now and save up some money and then leave. You may have to decide if your pets or your sanity are more important. I don't say that lightly because I have had one of my cats longer than 3 of my kids, but if I had to make a choice I'd have to choose my own well being.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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#490066 - 02/26/09 12:29 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
No, you cannot get any alimony. Alimony is reserved for long term marriages, at least 5 years, usually even more than that. You were just married 7 months ago. You quit your job right after that. So you've been out of work less than 7 months. Get another job. Then you can move out and file for divorce and be thankful you two didn't have any kids together.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#490067 - 02/27/09 06:03 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: almostheaven]
Maury Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 8182
Loc: This Asylum --->
"No, you cannot get any alimony. Alimony is reserved for long term marriages, at least 5 years,"

That is not true under most statutes. Although unlikely, spousal support is possible in some circumstances on a short term marriage. this is particularly true in the case of disability.

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#490068 - 02/27/09 06:27 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Maury]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Taken in whole, it is true. Because this wasn't a case of disability, and she hasn't been out of work long enough. Combine all that with the short-term...no court would award alimony under those circumstances.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#490069 - 02/27/09 06:32 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: almostheaven]
Maury Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 8182
Loc: This Asylum --->
It is true that she is unlikely to receive maintenance. However, I was simplyt pointing out that the blanket statement "Alimony is reserved for long term marriages, at least 5 years, usually even more than that" is incorrect and misleading.

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#490070 - 03/03/09 11:48 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Maury]
tj7run Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 3
Although alimony is most likely not an option, it is time to get your ducks in a row. You are in an extremely abusive relationship and you need to plan your escape. Is there anyone you can stay with? We can always make allowances for why we stay, but you will make it. Call the company you use to work for and see if you can get your job back,if not then start looking. Talk to an attorney, you may have options.

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#490071 - 04/15/09 02:53 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: tj7run]
cinnest Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/22/09
Posts: 3
Thanks for all the info. I really appreciate the info and I'm doing exactly what you all suggested and making a plan...but it isn't soon enough. Since this is California, we may have different laws. Some of my contacts think he may have to give me maintenance since he wanted me to stop working. So, I don't know..I'm so tired of this..It has been 3 days again with him not speaking to me. I'm thinking I should rent a place "before" i tell him so that I'll be able to go right away. Thank you again

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#490072 - 04/15/09 02:55 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: shortmarriage]
cinnest Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/22/09
Posts: 3
I came into the marriage with my own condo. We are renting it out now and that covers the mortgage. I also had no bills, a new car paid for, a small pension and full medical and dental insurance...he was a lucky guy huh to get me!

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#490073 - 04/15/09 03:38 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
shortmarriage Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 12/08/08
Posts: 1773
Be glad that you still have your condo! I wish I had rented my house out. I sold it, went into the marriage with a large amount of cash (savings & equity from my home) and now it's gone. I also had no debt and a car that is paid for. Now I rent an apartment that costs more than my mortgage payment was.

I know all about the silent treatment. That's something that my STBX did too. But, it went on for months at a time. The last time it started was on July 4th and I moved out on October 1st. I couldn't live like that anymore.

Do you have money put aside that you can rent something? Is it possible for you to move back into your condo?

Hang in there!

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#490074 - 04/15/09 04:28 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
javajunkiee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 3200
Loc: SC
CA laws are not that different when it comes to alimony. Yes, its a community property state, but you've not been out of work but 7 mos at the most, and you're able to work. The court will see that you've not truly lost anything financially except 7 mos worth of salary. You still have your condo, retirement, car, etc. Plus, whether he wanted you to or not, it *was* ultimately your choice to quit. No judge will compensate you for quitting your job after 7mos. Your contacts are pipe dreaming.

Get a couple of free consults with lawyers in your area if that will make you feel more comfortable, but I'll bet you that the $$ it will cost you to fight for alimony after a 7 mos marriage, will be MORE than any award you could get, and tie you to him longer than you want.

P.S. If pigs fly and the judge orders alimony? What makes you think he will actually PAY it? The courts can't make deadbeat parents pay child support, and alimony is a lower priority.

I'm sorry, but you have an incredibly weak case. Ask for your old job back and cut your losses.
_________________________
Marriage doesn't come with a money-back guarantee.

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#490075 - 06/04/09 08:10 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: cinnest]
ajs06 Offline

journeyman

Registered: 06/03/09
Posts: 54
I would most definitely get a job if I were you. If he questions or says anything I would say: I would like to contribute to the house and don't like feeling like a burdon. I would get the job whatever it may be, stash some money away but contribute to the household so he doesn't question where the money is going. You have to be good at keeping a lid on your mouth, do not let on or even put a thought into his head that you have money so you are no longer a prisoner in his house.
It is a control issue and you are not alone.

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#490076 - 10/26/10 09:52 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: tj7run]
crossurbridge Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/26/10
Posts: 58
Loc: Monument, CO
Excellent book which will help you answer ALL of your questions...10 Keys: A Woman's Guide For Navigating a Successful Financial Divorce available on Amazon... and I would also be happy to talk to you. Visit CrossingYourBridge.com for my info :)
_________________________
Meredith Bromfield

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#490077 - 12/31/10 08:37 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: crossurbridge]
Maury Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 8182
Loc: This Asylum --->
Why not add advice on this forum rather than pimping a book you wrote and a website to sell life coaching in order to make money. Quite an opportunist.

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