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#640626 - 06/08/10 02:35 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
mguy Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/03/10
Posts: 3
Hello apple juice,

I don't know if you believe in a higher power or not, but I'm praying that you find a support system. Some folks you can be around in person who can hear you out and you don't have to take advice from. Look into 12 step if you haven't already. Sometimes a roomful of neutral listeners is all you need to start healing.

Something else you said really struck me. You're afraid of what you're becoming, of you've worked so hard not to be. What is that you're willing to work hard to be? Keep in mind (and I know this is hard to accept) who you are right now in you're current situation. What do you want to look like a year from now?

Blessings,

m

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#640627 - 06/10/10 12:47 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
It is hard to take; my wife, my best friend, my everything is now my worst enemy. It all happened over night.

I have been speaking with a counselor, it helps a little.

I have not seen a doctor in about two years, one of my little faults.

I did have a church stop by yesterday and personally invite me to a bible school. This will be good for my kids; they have snacks and games, and I will be going to church. It was like a sign from god, without trying to sound to cliche.

I will have to find an attorney, I am just worried about $$$ at this point.

I am just stuck with the question...why me? We were supposed to be the exception (once again, cliche). Oh well...

...I guess it is time to get busy living.

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#640628 - 06/10/10 01:46 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
I feel really bad for you. First, if you want to be with her, at least don't let her use you. I'm a staunch believer in saving a marriage - even after an affair. Because you want to save your marriage, I recommend that you tell her to go and sow her oats. Tell her she can do it alone, that you will be at home taking care of the children; make it CLEAR to her that she will NOT just up and split the family and take the children with her. If she gets wild enough to file for divorce, don't sign. Yes, eventually a judge will grant her a divorce anyway, but it'll be completely and totally against your wishes. You can't make her stay with you, but you don't have to make it easy for her and you don't have to let her take the children away from you. Wishing you the very best!
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640629 - 06/10/10 02:09 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
If that were to be done, not signing that is, wouldn't that make it a contested divorce? Isn't that where things get nasty? She already wants the house I dont want to give her another reason to take more.

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#640630 - 06/10/10 03:07 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
I'm not sure if that makes it a contested divorce or not. You're not really contesting it, you're simply not giving in easily. I have a friend who went thru this. Her husband filed for divorce and she chose not to sign. In my state, you can choose that for 18 months. At the end of that 18 months, if the filing spouse still wants a divorce, it will be granted. She stepped out on faith and waited. Before that 18 months was up, the husband was back home and they have been happily married more than 12 years since then (25 years in total).

Keep in mind that her 'wanting' the house does not mean she'll get it. If YOU don't move, that helps. If she moves out of the house, that's even better for you if this does result in a divorce. Can she pay for the house? Is she living there now? Are the kids with you or with her?
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640631 - 06/10/10 05:38 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
She moved out because her boyfriend was moving in. They both now live with her parents; him for almost 2 months and her since the begining of March. Neither have looked for a job (I mean a real attempt). Neither are going to school. Now I can't completely fault my wife for that. She provides me a valuable service; she watches the kids 8:30a-5:30p M-F. The rest of the time I have my children. All that said the answer is no, she cannot afford the house.

I dont know if I had already mentioned this but her BF is one of my best friends from High School. Never trust your friends...pity...

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#640632 - 06/10/10 06:14 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
I'd personally leave this as status quo and not file for divorce. If she wants a divorce, let her file and my recommendation of not signing still holds. Get some friends, get involved with a church and just concentrate on being a good daddy to your kids. Sounds like you have a great job with a future - and in this economy, with little education, that's a huge benefit! And don't complicate things by dating. Praying for your future!
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640633 - 06/11/10 06:05 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
UPDATE!

Last night her father got into a physical fight with her boyfriend. They called me at three in the morning and asked to come in and drop my second child off (I had the first). I said yes and let them in. Either I was too groggy and didn't hear or they were unclear but they wanted to stay the night too. Since it was 3 in the morning I didnt argue but I did not go to sleep after that, I was too upset they would think that staying in a spare bedroom togather was okay and wouldn't bother me.

In the morning she wanted to make plans to move out of her parents house and into mine so I could find an appartment.
This was a big "WAIT A MOMENT" I told her I didn't want to leave. The (calm) argument ensued.

But they cannot go back to her parents and I cannot make them homeless. I am okay with my wife staying but if I kick boyfriend out then she will leave too. I cant make her homeless. What do I do?!?!?

I dont want them at my house, and I dont have the money to pay the mortgage and rent.

What do I do without making the woman I love homeless?

Please Help.

(Sorry about my spelling and gramar in the past, I have been in a rush.)

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#640634 - 06/11/10 06:47 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
GROW up, that's the first thing you do. This is YOUR home. You do NOT let your wife's boyfriend move in with you. YES, YOU DOOOOOOOOO make them homeless if need be.....and you realize THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Under NO circumstances should you leave your home. Your name is on the mortgage and you will end up paying for a home you don't even live in (unless you're willing to suffer the DIRE financial consequences of foreclosure - which I do not recommend you do voluntarily!).

And where you told her 'I don't want to leave.' you should have told her 'I will not leave.' She's free to go and live wherever she chooses, but you and the children will be in the family home. When she's willing to 'be married' to you, she can come home, but her boyfriend will never ever be welcome.

Be strong and stand up for your rights. If you bend over now, you will be doing it forever and you will regret it.
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640635 - 06/11/10 09:01 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I sincerely believe a comment like "GROW up" is completely unnecessary and is truly the opposite of constructive criticism. I could be handling this like most people in their early twenties; with poor communication and the potential for violence. However I try to keep my words constructive and communicate with I statements (even though that seems to still make her mad). This IS my home; not only is it my place of dwelling it is also my house in a legal sense.

1) I do understand that I did not MAKE her move out, however in every split up it takes two to tango. It just so happens that I get really confused; she blames me for everything and says it is my fault. I was looking for some mental clarification; not criticism.

2) My concern is that if I get home tonight and say "get out!" that this will reflect negatively upon myself when this is brought in front of a judge. Like I have said there are no papers filed. We are completely married. It is not very kosher to kick your legal wife to the curb and it is definitely not conducive to A) keeping this situation friendly and B) Being successful when this goes to court.

As a User has previously posted:

"It is a woman's right to leave the marriage whenever she wants, and you'll have to pay her to do it...
Didn't you see that in the fine print when you signed up? Men take responsibility, not women..."

Not being sexist here, but how do I get her out of the house without giving her another weapon? I currently have nothing but my word...he said / she said. That won't mean a thing to the judge.

To make a completely improper analogy; I have two testicles, I know how to use them. However, how do I apply this to my particular situation without getting them squished in the future?

Pardon me...

Any thoughts from anyone will be appreciated.

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