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#640616 - 06/02/10 06:53 PM Cheating Wife + Two Kids
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I began dating this girl in 8th grade (a long time ago, I know). We dated through senior year. Shortly after we graduated she told me she was pregnant. We decided to keep the child as it was the right thing to do. I left my job, which was pretty good for my age, working in the IT department of a local store chain. We moved to Tennessee from Michigan to be with her parents. They had moved down a month before us. I got the first job I could find which was at a gas station. We got married after 6 years of dating. (We were 19)Later that year we had the child. We bought a house after I found a better job and continued my education. We also had another child so that our children would not be too far apart in age as I was with my sister.

I am now pushing 22 years old and have found myself in a situation. My wife told me on my birth day that she had slept with someone who I had suspected her of liking for years. She had broken up with me in HS twice for this guy but it never panned out. She was always back in short order and I was stupid enough to take her back. She said a list of horrible things that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I cannot remember them all but she described the sexual act to me. IE: what they did, didn't use protection, etc. She also said she lied during her wedding vows and wanted to marry me because I was safe, and a good way to help her escape her parents.

Now she has been with multiple people since my birthday and out dancing, getting drunk, and smoking weed.

I work all day, go to school, and watch my kids. THIS IS MY LIFE.

This wasnt even a fraction of the story but now she is wants to leave me with all the debt, she wants the car, her half of the $8,000 home buyers credit, the house, alimony, child support (even though I am their primary care taker and provide health coverage), all this without a single divorce paper being filed. She wont even admit that she was in the wrong. Her MOTHER IS ENCOURAGING THIS!

Now she says she just wants to discover herself. I dont have any clue what that means?!?! But she plans on bending me over.

I want her back but she has shown herself to be something I never knew she was. I cannot even speak to her. She treats me like the [censored] on her shoe. Not even an ounce of respect for me as the kids father or her husband. I want to make this work but it takes two willing particpants.

How do I get her back with me?
How do I protect myself?
What the hell am I supposed to DO?

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#640617 - 06/03/10 12:42 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
You answered your own question, how do I get her back? It takes two willing participants...She wants out, and has made that clear...you can't work with that, no matter how hard you try.

I would seek a lawyer, in some areas the give free consults, write all your questions down and know what your rights are. While you are emotional now thats normal, don't be dumb. Divorce gets ugly and you need to protect your rights and those of the children and know what you can do legally. Thats reality.

You are 22, you are so young to have all this responsibility and she never had time to experience life as a teenager, young adult, etc. It sounds like she wants to party and do all the things she never got to do because she had a child at a young age and then another one.

You are continuing your education, what about her? What was she doing? A SAHM? Thats tough especially when you see others having fun.

What to do? Well once the other partner wants out, thats pretty much it. IF she is with others, then you need to protect yourself from ...well you know.

Good luck to you.

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#640618 - 06/03/10 01:59 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Annie7676]
applejuice Offline

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Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I guess what gets me is I never had that time time to "party" either and I dont think twice about it. We had children early and that is just the way the ball bounces. I cowboyed up and took care of buisness. I currently have worked my way up to a good job again (for my age). Its at a local medical practice as an IT Systems Analyst. It provides about 40k /yr, pension, 401k, profitsharing, educational benefits, paid certifications, etc. I dont think twice about not being able to get drunk.

I tried to consult a lawyer and (i guess) made the mistake of telling her about it. She claimed that I was making this nasty and she can take me for eveything I have. Now, I am not trying to be sexist here, but after talking to the lawyer it sounds as if she is right. I am a man...I LOOSE; even if I did not fault this marrage. I will have to call one again, you are right.

I am continuing my education, I plan on attending the University for my Graduate program (PhD)in the next two years. Currently I have a 3.8GPA. She is a SAHM however, let me assure you, I did not plan on keeping it that way. As soon as the children start school (another 3.5 years) I was going to encourage her to either A) get a job or B)go to school. Option B being the one of my choice.

I think she may eventually come back, either in 2 months or 2 years. Her boyfriend just got off probation for drug charges and I dont think he will provide the lifestyle she wants...she will get sick of living with her parents or in a trailer. But I dont want her back with me just for "money", I want her back for the right reasons; love. But she lied on her vows and I didnt have a clue till the day she told me. (I am clueless)

I just want my wife back, the woman I CHOOSE to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with. Not just because baby was in the oven. I wish I knew what was going on in her head.

BTW: No divorce papers have been filed, we are still completely married. This shows me she doesnt want to leave per se. It seems like she wants to party then come beg forgivness because she knows I am a sucker. But her actions, words and complete lack of concern for my kids and I have made it so I am not sure if I should take her back (if that day comes) I mean she threw me so far into the negitive that by the time I caught the account up I was two and a half months late on evey bill we had.

I just dont know...

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#640619 - 06/03/10 10:12 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
yregna Offline
veteran

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
It is a woman's right to leave the marriage whenever she wants, and you'll have to pay her to do it...

Didn't you see that in the fine print when you signed up ? Men take responsibility, not women...
_________________________
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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#640620 - 06/04/10 06:32 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: yregna]
applejuice Offline

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Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I am sorry, I must be very poor with humor. Are you serious about the fine print or not?

And if she wants to leave me then fine, but how can she get everything when she is the one who screwed up and I spend my time trying to be the best person possible for me and mine?

Sucks being a guy, I wanna dig for gold too!!! (Just kidding, I honestly earn what I make and am damn proud of it.)

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#640621 - 06/06/10 06:33 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
finz Offline
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Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
he kids are with you now ? Let her stay gone for now AJ. When she has been gone for 6 months, then file for custody , divorce, and child support.

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#640622 - 06/06/10 01:43 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Debi Offline
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Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
Her boyfriend just got off probation for drug charges and I dont think he will provide the lifestyle she wants...

Dude there aren't even divorce papers filed and she has a boyfriend with drug charges and wants him around your kids???? Find a new lawyer ASAP. Do NOT move from the house. If she comes back and starts anything you call the police and get a protection order, because I guarantee she'd do it to you and may plan to, to get you out of the way.

Right now you need to not think of how to get her back and think of how to protect yourself. She has parents and a drug trafficing boyfriend behind her. She has already made it nasty. Find a lawyer who has some balls and is willing to fight. Keep in mind if you hire one they work for you, so you go for a consult and ask what they are willing to do because you are not willing to accept that you have to turn everything over.

You're only21 and this is going to be the harderst fight of your life so far. Don't roll over.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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#640623 - 06/06/10 06:45 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Don't leave your kids or your house. Fight hard for both.

She can ask for the moon, but it doesn't mean she will get it.

Don't have s3x with her, btw.

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#640624 - 06/07/10 09:12 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
applejuice Offline

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Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
It's just too hard to avoid getting emotionally involved. I loved her with all my heart, even if I wasn't good showing it. I just bought my house and I love it along with the 3.5 acres it’s on. But that said I don’t have that much equity in that house yet so if she wins it the...OH WELL! I know I don't want to roll over because it is logical. However I have been seeing a councilor trying to better manage my emotions. I was fine before but it feels now like I am on the edge of insanity. On a daily basis I switch between wanting to get her back, wanting her to stay with her boy friend for the big SUCKS TO BE YOU coming down the road, and wanting to kill that [censored]. I find myself enjoying my children’s company less and less because I am angry at my wife (NO I DO NOT MISTREAT THEM). I am fighting the urge to drink myself into a coma on a daily basis. I quit smoking but started again (I don’t smoke around the kids, it is a disgusting habit). I am afraid I am becoming someone I worked so hard not to be.

My wife WAS my support, now I have none as my closest family lives 500 miles away. The only person I have to talk to is the wall...I am literally going insane; I am not myself anymore.

I feel sooooo bad for my kids but I am becoming less and less able to keep my emotions hidden from them.

I guess, in the end, she can take everything, including the clothes on my back, and as long as I have joint custody then I win.

I did have s3x with her, I thought she was coming back but she left when she was finished. (I am clean *phew*)Afterwards I found out she had a miscarriage of...someone's baby.

It's a Wonderful Life!

Who am I to bring two beautiful babies into this disaster of situation? God help us all...

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#640625 - 06/08/10 12:11 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
You feel just like all of us have at some point.

SHe won't win the house or any of the other stuff. You have to protect yourself and your kids, though.

Find a good counselor to talk to and ask your doctor about getting an antidepressant.

Do you go to a church or did you grow up in a church? Start going again or ask a friend at work for a recommendation. Start developing a support system.

No matter what, don't have s3x with her. She's been sleeping around - plus you could get preggers and you don't need to bring another person in the world at this point in time.

Find an attorney. Ask at work if anyone has any recommendations.

Post, post, post on here. Right now, it will help you.

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#640626 - 06/08/10 02:35 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
mguy Offline

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Registered: 06/03/10
Posts: 3
Hello apple juice,

I don't know if you believe in a higher power or not, but I'm praying that you find a support system. Some folks you can be around in person who can hear you out and you don't have to take advice from. Look into 12 step if you haven't already. Sometimes a roomful of neutral listeners is all you need to start healing.

Something else you said really struck me. You're afraid of what you're becoming, of you've worked so hard not to be. What is that you're willing to work hard to be? Keep in mind (and I know this is hard to accept) who you are right now in you're current situation. What do you want to look like a year from now?

Blessings,

m

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#640627 - 06/10/10 12:47 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
applejuice Offline

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Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
It is hard to take; my wife, my best friend, my everything is now my worst enemy. It all happened over night.

I have been speaking with a counselor, it helps a little.

I have not seen a doctor in about two years, one of my little faults.

I did have a church stop by yesterday and personally invite me to a bible school. This will be good for my kids; they have snacks and games, and I will be going to church. It was like a sign from god, without trying to sound to cliche.

I will have to find an attorney, I am just worried about $$$ at this point.

I am just stuck with the question...why me? We were supposed to be the exception (once again, cliche). Oh well...

...I guess it is time to get busy living.

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#640628 - 06/10/10 01:46 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
I feel really bad for you. First, if you want to be with her, at least don't let her use you. I'm a staunch believer in saving a marriage - even after an affair. Because you want to save your marriage, I recommend that you tell her to go and sow her oats. Tell her she can do it alone, that you will be at home taking care of the children; make it CLEAR to her that she will NOT just up and split the family and take the children with her. If she gets wild enough to file for divorce, don't sign. Yes, eventually a judge will grant her a divorce anyway, but it'll be completely and totally against your wishes. You can't make her stay with you, but you don't have to make it easy for her and you don't have to let her take the children away from you. Wishing you the very best!
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640629 - 06/10/10 02:09 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

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Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
If that were to be done, not signing that is, wouldn't that make it a contested divorce? Isn't that where things get nasty? She already wants the house I dont want to give her another reason to take more.

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#640630 - 06/10/10 03:07 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
I'm not sure if that makes it a contested divorce or not. You're not really contesting it, you're simply not giving in easily. I have a friend who went thru this. Her husband filed for divorce and she chose not to sign. In my state, you can choose that for 18 months. At the end of that 18 months, if the filing spouse still wants a divorce, it will be granted. She stepped out on faith and waited. Before that 18 months was up, the husband was back home and they have been happily married more than 12 years since then (25 years in total).

Keep in mind that her 'wanting' the house does not mean she'll get it. If YOU don't move, that helps. If she moves out of the house, that's even better for you if this does result in a divorce. Can she pay for the house? Is she living there now? Are the kids with you or with her?
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640631 - 06/10/10 05:38 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

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Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
She moved out because her boyfriend was moving in. They both now live with her parents; him for almost 2 months and her since the begining of March. Neither have looked for a job (I mean a real attempt). Neither are going to school. Now I can't completely fault my wife for that. She provides me a valuable service; she watches the kids 8:30a-5:30p M-F. The rest of the time I have my children. All that said the answer is no, she cannot afford the house.

I dont know if I had already mentioned this but her BF is one of my best friends from High School. Never trust your friends...pity...

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#640632 - 06/10/10 06:14 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
I'd personally leave this as status quo and not file for divorce. If she wants a divorce, let her file and my recommendation of not signing still holds. Get some friends, get involved with a church and just concentrate on being a good daddy to your kids. Sounds like you have a great job with a future - and in this economy, with little education, that's a huge benefit! And don't complicate things by dating. Praying for your future!
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640633 - 06/11/10 06:05 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
UPDATE!

Last night her father got into a physical fight with her boyfriend. They called me at three in the morning and asked to come in and drop my second child off (I had the first). I said yes and let them in. Either I was too groggy and didn't hear or they were unclear but they wanted to stay the night too. Since it was 3 in the morning I didnt argue but I did not go to sleep after that, I was too upset they would think that staying in a spare bedroom togather was okay and wouldn't bother me.

In the morning she wanted to make plans to move out of her parents house and into mine so I could find an appartment.
This was a big "WAIT A MOMENT" I told her I didn't want to leave. The (calm) argument ensued.

But they cannot go back to her parents and I cannot make them homeless. I am okay with my wife staying but if I kick boyfriend out then she will leave too. I cant make her homeless. What do I do?!?!?

I dont want them at my house, and I dont have the money to pay the mortgage and rent.

What do I do without making the woman I love homeless?

Please Help.

(Sorry about my spelling and gramar in the past, I have been in a rush.)

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#640634 - 06/11/10 06:47 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
GROW up, that's the first thing you do. This is YOUR home. You do NOT let your wife's boyfriend move in with you. YES, YOU DOOOOOOOOO make them homeless if need be.....and you realize THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Under NO circumstances should you leave your home. Your name is on the mortgage and you will end up paying for a home you don't even live in (unless you're willing to suffer the DIRE financial consequences of foreclosure - which I do not recommend you do voluntarily!).

And where you told her 'I don't want to leave.' you should have told her 'I will not leave.' She's free to go and live wherever she chooses, but you and the children will be in the family home. When she's willing to 'be married' to you, she can come home, but her boyfriend will never ever be welcome.

Be strong and stand up for your rights. If you bend over now, you will be doing it forever and you will regret it.
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640635 - 06/11/10 09:01 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I sincerely believe a comment like "GROW up" is completely unnecessary and is truly the opposite of constructive criticism. I could be handling this like most people in their early twenties; with poor communication and the potential for violence. However I try to keep my words constructive and communicate with I statements (even though that seems to still make her mad). This IS my home; not only is it my place of dwelling it is also my house in a legal sense.

1) I do understand that I did not MAKE her move out, however in every split up it takes two to tango. It just so happens that I get really confused; she blames me for everything and says it is my fault. I was looking for some mental clarification; not criticism.

2) My concern is that if I get home tonight and say "get out!" that this will reflect negatively upon myself when this is brought in front of a judge. Like I have said there are no papers filed. We are completely married. It is not very kosher to kick your legal wife to the curb and it is definitely not conducive to A) keeping this situation friendly and B) Being successful when this goes to court.

As a User has previously posted:

"It is a woman's right to leave the marriage whenever she wants, and you'll have to pay her to do it...
Didn't you see that in the fine print when you signed up? Men take responsibility, not women..."

Not being sexist here, but how do I get her out of the house without giving her another weapon? I currently have nothing but my word...he said / she said. That won't mean a thing to the judge.

To make a completely improper analogy; I have two testicles, I know how to use them. However, how do I apply this to my particular situation without getting them squished in the future?

Pardon me...

Any thoughts from anyone will be appreciated.

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#640636 - 06/12/10 12:15 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Do not move out. Do not let her and her bf move-in. This is your family home for you and your children. SHe's welcome to be part of the family, but not with a boyfriend.

You are not the one who broke the marital vows. She did. She has a boyfriend. "Do you Apple Juice take the Ms. Applejuice" is the phrase. Not Ms. AppleJuice and her boyfriend til death do you part.

You have every right to kick her boyfriend out of your house. It is your house, too.

What kind of example is she setting for your children?

If she chooses to leave with her boyfriend, then she has made her decision.

I actually left my XH. Left him the house.

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#640637 - 06/12/10 03:46 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
She brings the boyfriend to your marital home at 3AM, and a boyfriend who has been under drug charges???? And you let this man around your kids? and let them sleep there????

this sounds nuts to me. I know you love her and do not want your marriage to end but this sounds awful.

She cheats on you, with someone on drugs, they both stay at her parents, a physical fight ensues, and probably your child that was with her saw it or heard it..and then they come to your house and you are worried about making them (your wife and her BF) homeless???

Do you think for one moment they are thinking about how you feel? do you think they would care if you were homeless?

My best advice to you is see a lawyer, get your legal rights down and walk away from this woman. Let her go sow her oats with this BF.

You deserve better than this, it hurts now but it will get better.

I have no idea why we hang onto to people who have made it abundantly clear they no longer love us, respect us or even care about out....Love? Thats not love...

Remember you deserve better than this....you need a partner who loves you, and commits to you...not one that cheats and runs around.

good luck you are going to need it

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#640638 - 06/14/10 03:44 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Annie7676]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
Thank you for your replies:

Here is a little comic relief for you;

I attempted to do something this weekend to...well...manipulate the situation. I befriended her boyfriend for the weekend and we went out Friday night. He had her debit card and I had my cash. I got him drunk and we "decided" to go to the strip club (I dont frequent these places). While there my plan seemed to be working awesome. He started racking up charges on the card for tabletop dances, lap dances, private dances, etc. I sat there and marveled over my accomplishment. After we left the sleazy-club we went home where I was told he lied to her about going to the club. I told my wife first thing in the morning to make him seem like a liar. SUCCESS! She later went to the store and her card was declined due to recent activity. SUCCCESS! She got curious and I told her what happened. The dances, phone numbers, buying drinks, etc. SUCCESS! Also told her about the stripper that actually called him the next morning. SUCCESS! She said he was getting a bus ticket home and was upset with me too. COLATORAL DAMAGE...but SUCCESS!

She was mad. But when it was all said done she said he has one more chance. WHAT!?!? And that I was in just as much trouble as he was.

From there she actually spilled her guts about how I was always gone and she just wanted someone who was there for her. We both cried...blah blah; had a good talk.

But in hindsight, she is now mad at me for going to the strip club and I made a neutral relationship between her BF and I a potentially hostile one.

I thought not being passive would be better but I should have kept my hand out of it. He would have f***ed up by himself.

Damnit...

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#640639 - 06/16/10 03:31 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I am at it again...

This time with a question. Please help me with some answers. Should I follow through or stay out of it?

He has a warrant out for his arrest in Michigan, we are in Tennessee. Do I report him and get him hauled off?

What about my wife's reaction to this?

What to do?

HELP!

(Sorry in a rush)

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#640640 - 06/16/10 03:44 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
If I knew ANYONE who has a warrant out for their arrest, I'd report their whereabouts if I knew where they were.

1) If you report his whereabouts, don't tell your wife that you reported the information, play dumb. And remember that reporting him doesn't = 'having him hauled off'. You cannot control what they do with the information once you give it to them, and

2) If you don't report him, he will be spending time with your children. Do you want that?
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640641 - 06/16/10 04:24 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
Oh, I planned on playing dumb. But the issue is that I WANT him hauled off. Now if they wont come here then maybe I can talk him into going for a "ride" with me. I dont know but I really hope this doesnt fold like my last plan.

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#640642 - 06/17/10 12:29 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
AJ, you need to STOP. NOW.

What is this doing to you? It's tearing you up -- revenge is NEVER the answer. If you want to report his whereabouts on the warrant, then go ahed, do it.

Be prepared though that unless it's an extraditable offense, they're going to do nothing.

Your planning will eventually come to naught -- but you won't believe me until it happens.

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#640643 - 06/17/10 02:41 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: BeachBabeRN]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
It is driving me insane is what it is doing. With no exaggeration, I cannot stop thinking about it, even after 4-5 months.

I saw my councilor yesterday. She thinks I have severe depression and I dont disagree.

I just know that I am getting very angry now.

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#640644 - 06/18/10 12:18 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Angry is a good point to get to, actually. Now, you have to move past that and make a tough decision.

Do you really want to stay married to this woman or not? If not, hire an attorney and start the process. Remember to keep your kids and the family house - no matter what. Your kids deserve a stable home and at least one stable parent.

If you have depression, then seek treatment asap.

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#640645 - 06/18/10 05:09 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
If she wants to be with him, then she will be with him. It sounds like she has already moved on honestly.

You need to buck up and stay strong for your kids. Think about what they have witnessed over the past few months.

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#640646 - 06/21/10 08:06 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I found out this weekend that she planned on divorcing me before we conceived our second child. So this has been a long time coming. She didn't even make it a year without wanting a divorce. Maybe I am the problem. lol

I am trying to come to terms with it now. Her boyfriend went out and got a job making more than I make by $20,000. I dont know how he did it. Yet I still end up paying her a third of every check I get.

I try not to take the lord's name in vein but...

God damnit.

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#640647 - 06/22/10 12:56 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Why are you paying her anything? You have your kids and your home, right?

Post on the Stepfamily or Custody forum. You'd get better perspective.

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#640648 - 06/22/10 05:00 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
Quote:
Yet I still end up paying her a third of every check I get.


For what? And Why?
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640649 - 06/24/10 03:55 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
Sorry for the delayed response.

She and her mother were upset because I didn't continue to pay her bills when she moved out and in with her parents/boyfriend. They said since she watches the kids 8 hours a day while I work that she cannot get a job because of that. They do have a point, that saves me $$$ because I don't have to pay money I don't have for daycare.

I was told that if I don't start paying then they will go to DHS and Families first and get daycare vouchers, food stamps, housing, etc. If this happens the state will come after me for reimbursement. But I have to pay for the rest of my life, not 18 years. So it was a threat. I wrote her a $400 check. It paid off her account which was -$300 because of boyfriends spending habits; leaving little room to pay her bills. Which apparently I am still supposed to pay after the $400. (I won't)

It sounds like no matter what she is going to take me for what I am worth. I just want out at this point so I can heal. It has taken everything out of me to keep trying these last few months. I dont know if it is worth it anymore. I know it is not and I am coming to terms with that. But so long as I have to pay her, it will never be over. I don't want to see her except when I drop off the kids and pick them up. Even then I dont want to hear a word out of her mouth.

This stuff aint easy. Marriage...wont make that mistake twice.

(Sorry for the dark humor, seems to be all I can produce lately)


Edited by applejuice (06/24/10 03:59 PM)

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#640650 - 06/24/10 09:33 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Have you spoken to a lawyer or researched what you are required to pay?

It sounds like you are on your way to a divorce and the more you know the better off you are. Sorry that you are going through this but I doubt if there is anything you can do about that.

A lawyer can give you the information you need so you can start to protect yourself. A divorce is like the ending of a business deal, you will have to pay child support but I guess the support to your wife, which used to be called alimony is different in each state.

The sooner you seek the legal steps, the better off you may be. Since she has left the material home maybe that will do something.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Its tough. But she has replaced you with this OM. Not much you can do there and as hard as it is...seeking to move on is probably the best thing and the HARDEST path you will ever take.

Keep posting here for advice and support, these friends here can be a life saver when you are going through such a difficult and sad time.

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#640651 - 06/25/10 02:39 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Get an attorney. Do not lay down and roll over. Fight for your kids and fight for the house. Don't leave the kids or the house.

She's the one that made the decision to leave the marriage....

Who cares if her mother is upset. Really? She let her adultress daughter and her boyfriend move in with her. Do you really care what she thinks?

Let them try to do the DHS thing. THey are just threatening you. I can see you being scared, but don't be. You are still married. Your income is too high for her to get a thing.

You need to remember that she can ask for the moon, but that doesn't mean she will get it.

Take care of yourself and your kids FIRST. Let her boyfriend worry about her bills.

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#640652 - 06/25/10 11:40 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
You may want to start looking at daycare for your children. She will lose the ability to be a stay at home Mom when you are divorced. She will have to get a job.

If you work this right, she could be paying you child support since you have the kids the majority of the time.

Depending on what state you are in, she may not get alimony or maintenance. She left you for another man.

Ask for 80/20 custody. You will have them 80% of the time. She will get Every Other Weekend and one night a week.

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#640653 - 06/25/10 02:17 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Annie7676]
Avaya Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
Loc: Arkansas
Quote:
... you will have to pay child support ....


Not if he is awarded custody. Mom left and dad and the kids are in the marital home. Mom should not get custody based on what he's said about her habits.
_________________________
Eternity is too long to be wrong.

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#640654 - 06/30/10 03:58 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: Avaya]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I just hate this situation so much that I cannot stand thinking about it anymore. But it seems to be all that is on my mind. I have not been "happy" in months, I do not enjoy my children as much as I used to, I am constantly distracted, and cant stand feeling like this much longer.
My marriage councilor told me that she thinks I have depression and to see a doctor. I am taking Welbutrin XL 300mg but it has not had any affect.

She was my ONLY support and the next closest family is 500 miles away. I have no outlet and it seems as if the marriage councilor is not making me feel any better anymore. I have not told my parents yet, I am afraid I would just get the "I told you so" and that is the last thing I need right now. I just continue to feel worse and worse day in and day out. I started going to church and trying to meet people. However nothing is helping, if anybody has any suggestions for things I have not tried please feel free to share.

I dont care what she gets I guess, as long as I have joint custody or better. That is all that matters.

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#640655 - 07/07/10 03:28 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
I guess to cap everything off, she is not the person I thought I married. I dont know how she kept it hidden for over two years. Either way I have come to the conclusion am better off without her. It still hurts but she is destroying her life and I dont want to be a part of it.

How did I come to this conclusion?

She is pregnant with her drug using, alcoholic, smoking, piece of dirt, convict of a boyfriend, WITH WARRANTS!

I have a leg to stand on in court. I bet her BF runs off when she tells him too.

HA! These are the days of our lives... <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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#640656 - 07/08/10 11:29 AM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Now don't start feeling bad for her.

You need to protect yourself, your kids, and your home. FIght for custody of your children. Remain in the home.

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#640657 - 08/30/10 04:08 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
Well it has been a few since I posted here.

In the mean time the same things have been going on. But today my wife said she was interested in opening dialogue about her coming back.

But it has been 8 or 9 months of her fooling around. I am numb to the whole situation and dont know if I will ever be able to be intimate with her again. I would have jumped at this even two weeks ago. But I have been talking to a few women socially (no touching :P) and I am not sure if I want to take her back.

This is my chance to save our marriage but a few of my friends know what&#8217;s going on and beyond that, she is sooo hateful and spiteful I dont know if I can stand her. I made the decision to give up less than a week ago and committed to the idea of divorce.

I dont know if she should get another chance...but this is the event I have been waiting the better part of a year for.

I thought I had it figured out when I gave up but now I am thrown a curve ball.

I think, also, that she may just be jealous. I went to dinner with a beautiful young lady and things went VERY well. I have a bit of a crush if I do say so myself. But I also believe strongly in the permanency of marriage. Any advice?

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#640658 - 12/01/15 10:22 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: 1004SRS]
applejuice Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 19
Wow! It has been years since I viewed my thread. Wondering if anyone is still following. WANT AN UPDATE?

BTW: This forum really helped as an outlet in a time of need.

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#640659 - 12/25/15 03:48 PM Re: Cheating Wife + Two Kids [Re: applejuice]
Leidseplein Offline

recently joined

Registered: 12/22/15
Posts: 5
Yes...update please

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