Start Your Divorce Today - Premium Divorce Online

Topic Options
#648278 - 07/03/10 10:07 PM Serial Cheater
October1 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 4
My husband and I have been together for 28 years, married for 27. We have three children, 23, 18, and 14. My husband's first affair was with a co-worker at a place we both worked. I found out through others we worked with. This was in 1989 when our oldest was 2. I threw him out and was terribly miserable. I was pregnant at the time and lost the baby. After a very long, hard summer, he begged to come back and I let him. We were fine for a couple of years and then he did it again. He had an affair with a co-worker and was caught red-handed by his boss who then fired him. Again, I was pregnant at the time. This time, I moved out and actually filed for divorce. When the attorney began the financial investigation, my husband's lover broke it off with him and he came running back to me. When my attorney found out I was pregnant, she told me I could not divorce at this time. I was under a great deal of stress and placed on leave by my Dr and was fired from my job after a couple of months. My husband and my finances were in horrible shape and we neared bankruptcy. We ended up getting back together and moving out of state to secure work. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant, prepared the house for sale, made repairs as needed, packed up the house and moved cross country. My husband had already moved to begin work. I always regretted not divorcing at that time.
This was in 1992. Things were fine, good actually for quite awhile. We had some great years and raised our two kids happily and became pregnant with our third child in 1995. At that time, my husband wanted to move again in order to further his education and career and so we came back to my home town. Things quickly went out of control again for him and I suspected he was seeing quite a few people for sex. Strangers he'd met online, people he'd meet through work contacts, even swingers groups. Of course I was no longer interested in intimacy with him as I was afraid of what he'd bring home. Except for his infidelity issues, he is a wonderful man, a wonderful husband and father, a wonderful provider (although I worked hard myself as well). I decided that I would turn a blind eye to his cheating until our kids were out of school. I wanted to give them a good home life and foundation and I have, we have.

I was laid off work two years ago and have not been able to find employment in my field. I have expanded my search to other areas and am being passed over for those as well. My options are a minimum wage job or go back to college again. Unfortunately, my husband was also laid off this year and we are once again in financial straights and finally had to go through bankruptcy. We are close to losing our house to foreclosure even though we live in a modest $130K house. Now, he decides he wants to leave. He has a woman on the side that he's been seeing for several years and in order to make the move, he stopped paying the bills so he could "save HIS money". I didn't know this was why we lost everything until two weeks ago.

I want him gone, he's not the man I married and I feel he's no longer a good role model for our kids. He scares me. Why would a man meet up with total strangers for sex? How many have there been? Is it just women or has he had sex with men too; groups too? What's next for him, teenagers? His own daughter? I want him out.

My dilemma is; I have no job, no money, and no leads on anything that I could support myself and my kids with at this time. I can't even hire an attorney right now. My self-esteem went out the window long ago and I've put on weight, a lot of weight. I feel worthless, unloved, unwanted, and about as low as a woman can feel.

Advice?

Top
#648279 - 07/06/10 02:20 PM Re: Serial Cheater [Re: October1]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
First take care of YOU. You can't take care of anyone unless you're taking care of yourself.

The reason he meets total strangers for sex? Because he CAN. Don't make it any more complicated than that. Know why he believes he can? Because you don't make him responsible for his own actions -- you keep taking him back so what reason does he have to change?

Go down to your local court and file, on your own, for child support, spousal support and visitation. The only child eligible for child support is your 14 year old at this point.

If a minimum wage job is what you can get, take it. It's something coming in. And if your husband is also unemployed, what money is he saving? Have you checked the status of your joint accounts lately? You are legally entitled to half the money in those accounts, if you haven't done so already, go ahead and take it, set up your own account that he has no access to.

Close any joint credit card accounts and reopen them in your name only -- although aving gone thru bankruptcy, I'd suspect there aren't any of those.

You are in your own home town -- have you no family that could assist? Whether that be with money, premises that you can stay in, whatever?

Your oldest child shouldn't need supporting and if he/she lives in your household, he needs to contribute. Same with your 18 year old. Even if THEY get minimum wage jobs, they should absolutely help out, it's what I'd require of my kids. They are old enough to understand what is happening.

You may have to work 2 minimum wage jobs, that's simply the reality of it. Fair? Nope. Realistic? Yep.

What is your area of expertise? What state are you in?

I assure you, putting this in front of a judge will wake up your husband quite a bit -- although without employment, the only thing that will happen is that he will rack up arrearages in child support as most go back to the date of FILING as opposed to the date of the court order.

If he is collecting unemployment, he can pay SOMETHING. That's the law.

The attorney that told you you couldn't divorce while you're pregnant? Was dead WRONG. That's unfortunate.

Top
#648280 - 09/21/10 04:16 PM Re: Serial Cheater [Re: October1]
connie60 Offline

member

Registered: 08/28/10
Posts: 101
First let me say, i am so sorry that you are going through this. I have also been in your shoes and it sucks. You are drained of your self-esteem, and dignity. One thing i know for sure is, once a cheater, always a cheater.

There are attorneys that will talk to you and possibly help you, pro-bono, which means free. You will have to make phone calls to find out where to get help. I know you are exhausted honey, but enough is enough.

You will also need to see a doctor as he may have given you some type of sexual disease by now. I am not trying to scare you, just giving you the facts. It has happened to me.

Do whatever it takes to give yourself strengh, mine is coming from my higher power, as i am disabled and can only do so much. Its a hard road, but you can do it.

Top
#648281 - 04/20/14 11:24 AM Re: Serial Cheater [Re: connie60]
JoeSr Offline

recently joined

Registered: 04/20/14
Posts: 6
I felt victimized and foolish after my wife had an affair, until I found this forum and read how many of us tolerate the abuse our spouses deal out, while failing to care for ourselves and our best interests. I would urge everyone to enforce your personal boundaries, preserve your self esteem and act to take control of your situation without hesitation.

Top
#648282 - 04/20/14 01:29 PM Re: Serial Cheater [Re: JoeSr]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
You're answering a post that's four years old, dude.

Top



Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: