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#652846 - 07/26/10 02:30 PM Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong?
orle4n Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/26/10
Posts: 3
I want some advice from a different perspective, I want to make sure that I am justified in my actions toward my ex's mom, my daugter's grandmother.

I want to feel and know that I really am doing what is best for my daughter.

A little History: The father of my child abused me while I was pregnant. He has a substance abuse problem. He was in jail for all but three months of my daughter's first year of life for theft and violence. He got out and I just could not put my daughter through what he put me through so I got a divorce.

Since he was in jail and my daughter was 4 or 5 months old, she had been going to her grandparents (his folks) house once a week. The dad has the availability to see his daughter over there and usually he does not. He has gotten remarried and has only seen her 4 or 5 times in the past year. This was his choice, not mine.

Now: My daughter is 3.5 years old and the dad is in jail (and has been for a month) for many charges and they are all very violent and some against his new wife. I found out through my ex's Other (baby mama) that he was in jail. The grandmother was hiding it from me. I finally asked her some questions and she admitted it. She said she had not told me and had not planned to. I feel lied to and like I am nurturing my child's relationship with her grandparents and that they have betrayed me. The grandmother has also gone behind the other mom's back trying to take my ex's older minor daughter to visit the dad in jail. There is solid proof that she is willing to hide stuff from me and that is not how I want to raise my child.

It happens that the night the dad has jail visitation is when my child goes over to the grandmothers house, and I do not want my now 3.5 year old being taken down there or having conversations with him when he has commited so many violent acts.

So I informed the grandmother I did not appreciate her lying to me/withholding information and she pretty much said she is justified and I am a control freak.

I have given the dad many chances to be in his daughters life and he has continuously let her down. Many people wonder why I let her have anything to do with his family but I feel like it is good for my daughter to have a relationship with her paternal grandparents despite the father.

I told the grandmother that I did not want to take my daughter away from them, but she certainly is not going to their house on the same night that the dad has visitation. She has insulted me, lost my trust, and is blaming me now. Says she does not want to "bend to my ways". I just want my child away from an abusive father. If he can be sober and such for a while after he gets out (which might be in a year), then they can build a relationship if he even will, but in the mean time, I do not want my child around that, nor the grandmother influencing the relationship.

It is like she is saying either she gets all she wants and total control over my daughter's relationship with her father (who she makes excuses for), or she is going to play the victim. Now I feel like I have to be the jerk to protect my daughter from her father and his manipulation by limiting the grandparents relationship becase they will not comprimise with me.

Am I wrong?

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#652847 - 07/26/10 07:06 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: orle4n]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
No, you're not. If your daughter's grandmother will ONLY see her on the visitation days where her dad is incarcerated? Then there's a motive. If she won't take any other day of the week......**hmm**

However, for all that will say the father has a right to know his child -- did he not have that right when he was out committing crime? Did he CHOOSE to do something else? I don't feel that a jail visitation gallery is a conducive place for a father/child relationship especially at this child's age.

The fact that the grandmother was hiding the fact that her son was in jail says volumes to me.

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#652848 - 07/26/10 08:06 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: BeachBabeRN]
orle4n Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/26/10
Posts: 3
Thank you BeachBabeRN =) You answered the questions I needed answered... the hiding that he was in jail is definately an issue. I personally think it shows she is protecting him.

And yeah, she seemed very ticked about my reservations of the visitation day.

I have given the father many chances and opportunities to have a relationship with our daughter. He has seen her by choice 3 times this year and he has had 24 chances (times she was at his moms house) - he was living 3 streets over from his mom since last year so he could have walked over.

I am also glad to see your opinion on the jail visitation environment.

Thanks again!

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#652849 - 08/04/10 12:20 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: orle4n]
palmel1234 Offline

journeyman

Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 93
Yeah, I think the point is grandmother does not respect your wishes as regards your daughter.
Regardless of why you don't want your daughter to see her father in jail, the thing is the grandmother lied to you and now is saying she will not "bend to your ways".
Makes me wonder who the control freak really is.

If you don't want your child going to rated R movies she has to respect that. If you don't want your child out playing when she has a cold she has to respect that, etc. etc.
You're the mother, not her and I think you have every right to curtail her visitation with your daughter if you see fit.

I've had to do the same myself with my ex's mother. She tried to be the mother instead of the grandmother and refused to respect me as my child's mother. I finally had to say, look, either my way or you can't see the child.

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#652850 - 08/05/10 04:23 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: palmel1234]
orle4n Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/26/10
Posts: 3
Thank you palmel1234... It's like - I dont want to be that person that takes the kid from her grandparents, but how out of line can you be? I really appreciate your take on the situation.

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#652851 - 08/05/10 05:34 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: orle4n]
Terri1 Offline
journeyman

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 71
I think it is OK that she didn't tell you that he was in jail. You are divorced, he doesn't see your child anyway, and she may have not wanted to talk about her son. I feel that is her right.

But, if she tried to take your child to the jail to see him, that would be wrong, wrong, wrong.

Part of the problem may have been how you approached her about this. It sounds like you accused her of not telling you like she really had a responsibility to do so. In turn, she may have said things she didn't mean and it got uglier from there.

I would recommend that you try to start the conversation over. Apologize for being upset that she didn't tell you and ask if she would like your daughter a different day so that she could feel free to visit her son as you do not give her permission to take your daughter to see him.

Your daughter at 3.5 would tell you if she saw her dad and grandma must know that so I don't think you have to worry about her going behind your back.

I do believe that it is important for your daughter to have her grandparents in her life as long as they don't go behind your back to do things that you have asked that they not do. You may need their help in the future and it helps if you are on good terms with them.

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#652852 - 08/07/10 11:00 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: Terri1]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
I agree with Terri.

If you try to handle it as Terri advised and grandma gets snotty saying she will take your dd to the jail if and when she wants to, the screw her.....she doesn't get to see your dd either.

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#652853 - 11/07/10 02:26 PM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: Terri1]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
I also agree with Terri. My first thought when I read this was "Why would she tell you?"

She shouldn't take the child to the jail and you have every right to put a stop to that. I think if it came down to it a judge would agree that a child doesn't belong visiting a parent in jail.

Offer her another night and as Terri said phrase it in a way that makes it seem as if you are doing HER a favor. You are doing the right thing in allowing her time with her grandchild, so don't listen to the people who say you shouldn't. In the long run you're doing it for your child.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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#652854 - 09/28/11 06:48 AM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: Debi]
Max71 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/28/11
Posts: 14
Help your daughter know her father. It's the right thing. I don't think anybody wants to see your daughter get hurt, neither you or her grandparents. If you work with his parents on this, I bet they would work with you too. Cooperation. Everybody would sleep better.

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#652855 - 09/29/11 02:48 AM Re: Mom wants grandparents opinion - am I wrong? [Re: Max71]
dadinva Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/06/11
Posts: 47
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong here, but I would worry a little bit about grandma petitioning the court for visitation in the future, especially if she could not get time with the child through her son's visitation time since he seems to be perpetually incarcerated, and it seems that she currently has pretty regular and frequent time with the child. She might convince a judge using those arguments. I think I would be careful about how/when daughter saw grandma if only because of that. I went through a grandma battle myself where grandma actually got partial physical custody, way beyond visitation. It was changed through appeal, but it isn't something I'd like to go through again. I would be thinking along the lines of how to ensure grandma wouldn't have a future basis to get court-ordered visitation.

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