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#652984 - 07/27/10 09:32 AM Intimidated and need some support/advice
yourwinter Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/27/10
Posts: 3
Hi everyone :)
Ok where to start.. My husband and I have been married 9 years and we have a 4 year old son. I'm originally from England and moved here in 2004, I have a green card and will be getting citizenship. Before moving, my father passed away due to cancer and left me his assets. My husband and I purchased a house, I put down $71,000 of my inheritance money and bought the furniture and our car. My husband is very controlling and mentally abusive but he is almost like dr jekyl and mr hyde, in that he can be really charming and can promise the world, but he also has a bad side too and can get verbally abusive and can take back everything he has promised depending on his mood.. which I have seen a lot of. He doesn't even realize he is being this way and feels he is always right. I have been a homemaker for many years and my job experience is very limited. I am going to school full time this Fall to become a certified medical assistant. I pretty much got kicked out of my own house with the reasoning that he has a stable well paying job and can pay the mortgage/bills, plus he can fix up the house to sell. My son and I are now living at his parents house. The custody arrangement for the time being is that I have my son monday-friday and my husband has him friday-sunday afternoon. Often he will ask his parents to babysit on one of the days, so he can go out with friends, or he will call and say he needs a break after just 1 day, yet claims that he spends just as much time with our son as myself.

He said he wants 60/40 custody with unlimited visitation for me. He said its because he wants to make it financially easier for me and he wants to claim our son on his tax returns. He refuses to even consider spousal support in any way and gets angry, saying I have no morals and I have no right to ask for it, if I even mention it. Since he wants physical custody of my son, he doesn't see any need for child support. He promises that when the house sells, he wants to give me back all my inheritance money, furniture and car and says there is no need to go to a lawyer about it because he will never screw me over. I would like to believe this because he has never done anything malicious to me, but I know I would be a fool to take his word for it and hope he goes through. He refuses to sit down and make a parenting plan with me saying "we don't need that, we can just play it by ear" If i try to discuss childcare and the cost of it, he says "I'm too stressed to think about that right now"

I have no income currently, mainly due to the fact that my husband has the car and my inlaws are reluctant to add me to their insurance until they get on top of their finances. Once I am able to drive around, I want to find a part time job that I can do while going to school. In Feb, my husband gave me $500 from the tax return and that is all I have been living on. He makes over the State average as far as income goes, is saving money to go to Japan to see his new girlfriend but yet he does not help buy things for my son and my inlaws have pretty much have to buy everything that he needs. Clothes, food, medicine etc. He claims he is always broke from paying bills but yet his paycheck is almost as much as my inlaw's paychecks combined. I used to take care of the bills, so I know that they don't take his whole paycheck. We have a joint account but if I use any money from that he throws a fit and holds it above my head saying I need to pay him back. He feels that since its his paycheck, its his money. I mentioned him giving me some kind of "allowance" nothing major, even just $30 a month would be fine and he got angry saying that he's already going to give me the money from the sale of the house. That may be so, but the house may not sell for a long time and in the meantime, I have no money in which to support myself, especially since I'm going to school to get back on my feet and become more independant. He pays for my medical co-pays and any medications but that's it.

I find it very difficult to stand up to him because I fear the repercussions. Any little thing can set him off and since I am living with his parents at the moment, this makes things a little more complicated. I would like to have an amicable divorce, for the sake of our son, but he will not see things from any other view except for his own. I don't want to take him to the cleaners but I want to make sure that I do this right and I don't want to be walked all over.

Initially we had papers drawn up by Legal Zoom, even though I was sat next to him, he filled it out with everything he wanted. Since the parent with the least custody has to pay child support, he put in $100 a month and swore that he would just give me the money back and he didn't want any child support. When we got the papers in the mail, it said that the estimated child support that was calculated, was $286 a month, to be paid by him. He feels that this is an error and wants us both to see a mutual lawyer to get the papers fixed. Is this even possible? I thought there needed to be one lawyer for one party and another for the other party.

I am going to see if I qualify for legal aid since I have no income, and try to find my own lawyer to see what my rights are. My husband said he will agree to 50/50 custody as long as I do not go for any spousal support. He threatened that if I do, he will contest and try to get full custody of my son, even though I have always been, and still am the primary caregiver. Could that even be considered by the judge? If the papers specify that I don't want spousal support, can the judge go against that and order it to be paid if he/she feels that it is needed? or do they usually just go by what the papers request? I have no friends or family here so I am pretty much alone in this. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

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#652985 - 07/27/10 11:55 AM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: yourwinter]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>I would like to believe this because he has never done anything malicious to me, but I know I would be a fool to take his word for it and hope he goes through.

You certainly would, and are already overlooking an important aspect of his character that proves that he likely WILL try to pull a fast one...

>>>>>The custody arrangement for the time being is that I have my son monday-friday and my husband has him friday-sunday afternoon. Often he will ask his parents to babysit on one of the days, so he can go out with friends, or he will call and say he needs a break after just 1 day, yet claims that he spends just as much time with our son as myself.

And then...

>>>>>He said he wants 60/40 custody with unlimited visitation for me.

He doesn't utilize the time he has now, but he wants the larger portion of custody????

>>>>>I am going to see if I qualify for legal aid since I have no income,

Definately. Check into it like yesterday.

>>>>>My husband said he will agree to 50/50 custody as long as I do not go for any spousal support. He threatened that if I do, he will contest and try to get full custody of my son, even though I have always been, and still am the primary caregiver. Could that even be considered by the judge?

Likely not. Being a stay home parent puts you more to the front of a custody battle, even though you will now have to go to work. But the judge sees it as you are the parent the child is most accustomed to being with.

Spousal support is not always a given. It is mostly for long-term marriages of 10 years or more. Sometimes however, they do grant it for 5 year marriages. Depends on the circumstances, location and judge. Child support would however be a given. As for the joint account, half of what is in it is YOURS. Do not let him pull the wool over your eyes. Fight for your portion. You may not get the full inheritance either. Many states are community property, meaning once you mingled those funds with his, you get HALF of what remains...half the equity in the house.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#652986 - 07/27/10 02:38 PM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: almostheaven]
Sherron Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/25/06
Posts: 20729
"I have no income currently, mainly due to the fact that my husband has the car and my inlaws are reluctant to add me to their insurance until they get on top of their finances. "
Not following this logic... you have no income because YOU are not working, it's not your husband's or your in-laws fault. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, you will either have jobs within walking distance or public transportation. If you do, ask friends or neighbors for a ride in exchange for gas money.

"Once I am able to drive around, I want to find a part time job that I can do while going to school. "
You cannot afford a PT job. It's great you want to go to school, but you need a FT job, even if that means PT for school. I don't know how much certified medical assistant pays versus how much it'll cost, but check into that... there are too many degrees or certificates that are not worth the paper they are written on, make sure this isn't one of them.

Here's what I would do... you mentioned your in-laws had financial issues... you living off them with no income of your own is not helping... sit down with them and make a plan... ask for their help, short term, with a projected move out date... ask if they would be willing to watch your son while you hit the pavement getting a job, and while you work to get your first check to afford daycare (maybe they don't mind watching him, in which case contribute to the household... buy some groceries, give them cash for bills, etc)... sorry, you cannot not hee haw about this, you need to get proactive. Forget spousal support. You may or may not get child support, but even if it's ordered, he may not pay it, so be prepared to support yourself and your son 100%.

I know it sucks, and you may not think it's fair, but in the end, the only one responsible for supporting you... is you.

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#652987 - 07/27/10 08:53 PM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: Sherron]
yourwinter Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/27/10
Posts: 3
Well as far as the job situation is concerned, I'm in oregon and my inlaws live out in the boonies with no neighbors around for miles, so a car is pretty much required to go anywhere. As I said previously, I have no friends who live here and am pretty much on my own. My father-in-law has Parkinsons and is on disability at home so I mainly help him and look after my son.

The full time schooling was actually my mom-in-law's idea. She doesn't want me to try juggling school, work and childcare and has made it clear that she would like me to live here, complete my schooling and get a decent job. they provide a house for me to live in, free from rent and utilities and food to eat, which I am extremely thankful for. I cook all the meals for the everyone, clean and drive my father-in-law to places when he is unable to drive himself. I have helped them with finances a lot before I separated from my husband and they insist that they would like to return that favor. With a part time job, I could still be able to help them out with finances, as well as be able to help my father-in-law.

I know that I need to get working and believe me, when I lived at my house closer to the city, I applied to quite a lot of places but due to my lack of work experience (the only experience I have had is with graphics design in England, of which there are no stable jobs around here), I didn't get any bites at the time, now that I have moved I am still applying for jobs but I don't want to have to rely on my father-in-law to have to drive me to work and back, especially if he shouldn't be driving. I am trying everything to bring an income in from home - selling things I have made, offering graphics design work, selling things I don't need, but its not a steady income at all.

I am not dependent on getting spousal support. It would help while I get back on my feet, but I am not expecting it. As much as he has made my life hell for the past 12 yrs of being together (9 married) I do still care because he is the father of my son and I would never want him to have to pay so much money that he isn't able to pay his bills or care for my son. I was just wondering what the chances are of the judge looking at my situation, see that i'm making 0 income right now and trying to get work/go to school, then look at my husband's income of $52k year and order some kind of transitional SS, even if I don't specifically request it

I would like to get to the point where I am 100% able to support myself and my son, I am not lazy but having a little money to help me in the meantime while I am searching for a job and while I am going to school would help a lot.

on that same note..

Almost [email protected] I want to fight for my half of the joint account but anytime that I have spent something from that account it has caused so many problems. My sister-in-law suggested that I should just go to the atm, take out a fixed small amount every month and leave it at that, I should not have to confer with him and ask him to let me take out money. However, In all the time that I have been living here, I have spent $70 on basic necessities for myself and my son and he is livid that I have spent so much. He still holds that over my head saying that I owe him and knowing him, he will close the account or threaten to stop paying bills/mortgage before the house sells. I am not really sure what to do. I don't even get the support from his parents, they think I should just leave the account alone and just let my husband have his way with everything so as not to make him mad. Same goes for child support or spousal support.

As for legal aid here, they will only take on domestic abuse cases for the family law dept. Since there is no need for a restraining order and I haven't had to call the police, they can't help me. I am looking into private lawyers but most of the ones I have found in my area are very expensive.

yes, the custody ratio that he wants is insane, especially since it is impossible for him to have that much due to his work schedule, I have started tracking the days that he actually spends with my son, so I have some proof to show him.

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#652988 - 07/28/10 08:32 AM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: yourwinter]
Wagntail Offline

newbie

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 39
Loc: Oregon
Yourwinter, I wrote you a long post on the spousal support forum, then just found you here, as well.
You've got to fight this battle in the courts, not on your husband's terms. Sorry to hear you're so fond of your inlaw's... sounds like you have a good relationship. However, you are about to get taken to the cleaners and seriously taken advantage of by the man you once loved. You are no longer dealing with that man. He does not have your interest in mind, and using your son as a means of giving you less than you need shows that he doesn't have the child's best interests in mind, either.
Get your proof together, but don't show it to him! This is going to be the fight of your life. Don't share your strategy and evidence with your soon-to-be worst nightmare until you serve papers to the court and to his lawyer.
You need to find a divorce support group to join. I've been in one for several months, now, and it's really opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. You need to get mobile. Maybe you could draw enough from the account to cover some insurance on your inlaws car? You're way too dependent upon the benevolence of what is going to become the enemy camp. Get help!

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#652989 - 07/28/10 11:29 AM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: yourwinter]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I'm gonna take a wild guess here, but IMO, showing him proof isn't going to accomplish squat. He's a user. I can tell in what you've posted already. Getting angry over you spending $70 in all this time, his parents telling you not to take any out so not to make him mad. Its like everyone's walking on eggshells to appease him. And it seems time to stop trying to appease him and get what's rightfully yours.
_________________________
Char Fox

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#652990 - 07/30/10 11:10 AM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: yourwinter]
1004SRS Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 5044
Look into a LPN program versus a CMA. In my area, CMA programs are pretty much a rip-off - no matter what those technical colleges advertisments say. THere is always a need for LPNs and after you start working and some hospitals will pay for you to become an RN after you've been working for a while.

You are in an abusive situation. Your stbx is an abuser. He has no right to make you and your son homeless. That is what you are right now. Verbal and mental abuse is awful and can affect you the rest of your life.

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#652991 - 10/26/10 09:51 PM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: 1004SRS]
crossurbridge Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/26/10
Posts: 58
Loc: Monument, CO
Excellent book which will help you answer ALL of your questions...10 Keys: A Woman's Guide For Navigating a Successful Financial Divorce available on Amazon... and I would also be happy to talk to you. Visit CrossingYourBridge.com for my info :)
_________________________
Meredith Bromfield

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#652992 - 07/08/11 04:34 AM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: crossurbridge]
kirstenplotkin Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/08/11
Posts: 1
Loc: Qld, Australia
I feel for you. A separation is difficult and in your case, destructive. You need to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer a couple. It is no longer important what He says or what HE wants. It's about you, and most important, it's about your child.

Come to terms with the new you, the single you, and decide what is best for you and your child. I guarantee it will not be what he thinks is best. Once you realize what you must do, seek legal representation. That's the only way you will get what you want.

Your husband is trying to establish grounds as the main parent. That means he has to discredit you as a good parent.
He needs that to get full custody.

He is clearly setting himself up to get the legal outcome he wants. Only you can stop him and you cannot afford to wait...

If you don't fight him he will get everything and that could include custody of your son.
even your child.

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#652993 - 10/27/11 08:45 PM Re: Intimidated and need some support/advice [Re: kirstenplotkin]
mystuff Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 9
Hi, Im new but will add this note...I live in the US and the laws regarding JOINT bank accounts here are...a person listed on the account cannot CLOSE the account without the other persons signature (with the bank)...I was told this by my banks. But..any one of the joint owners can drain the account (just leave in a few dollars if u want)...my husband did that years ago..it was our account, he took the money..left $7 in it...I did not even know in advance. Check with your banks..you have the right to get this info and the bank should not contact him to ask his permission to share this with you. JOINT OWNERSHIP is just that. It is equally yours..even if you did not put one cent in it. Same goes for property listed as Joint Tenants by the Entireties...neither one of you can sell any property without the others signature. If there is enuf money in that JOINT account Id take the money and move...but please check into your laws on Abandonment..it can get tricky.
Your H sounds like mine as far as all of the personality traits...I am in a situation that is difficult..I want to separate but he wont leave..and I have no place to go with me and my animals...so here I sit in misery..we have been together for 40+ years. Sad. Good luck to you...lastly..arent their any Domestic Violence Groups in your area..usually they will offer legal advice for free since u r not employed..and mental and verbal abuse is considered DV. Peace .

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