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#664644 - 09/17/10 03:10 PM Can marriage be saved?
VanHawk1234 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/17/10
Posts: 2
My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years, but were together for 4 years prior to that. She has two children (ages 9 and 8) who I've known since they were very young, and I hope to always be a part of their lives. Last summer, a mutual male friend of ours was going through a divorce...I've known him since we were kids but we've never really been 'close' friends, and my wife has been a coworker of his for the past 6 years. It was a strange situation, he got married in April in Mexico, had a wedding reception back home in June, but then moved out in July and filed for divorce. Starting in July, my wife started spending a lot of 'one-on-one' time with him, going for walks, going to concerts, going shopping, etc....I was busy with work and school, so on the nights I had school or homework, she would go do things with him to 'help him get his mind off of things'...I suspected an affair for a while, but she was always defensive and denied everything. In the meantime, my wife was becoming more emotionally distant towards me, so we started going to counseling to figure out what was going wrong with our own marriage, even though I had a feeling that her relationship with the other guy was part of it. Finally one day in November when I was out of town and planted a voice recorder under our bed and got proof that he came over to our house and that they had sex in our bed while I was gone. After I found out, we had an emergency counseling session and my wife agreed to stop seeing and contacting him; about a week or two later, I found that they were still secretly seeing each other and e-mailing and professing their 'love' for one another via e-mail. At that point we separated, and decided to give it 6 months. My wife has consistently told me that the other guy is just a 'friend', but I know they were sleeping together throughout the separation. Memorial Day weekend we had decided to not see each other so we could think about things on our own and decide whether to go forward with divorce, and twice I passed them on the road together in her car, and also saw her car in his driveway at 3 AM...That was the final straw for me, so we filed for divorce in June, and have a court date set for next month.

A few weeks ago, my wife sent me a text that she doesn't think she's ready for divorce, that still loves me but she only went along with divorce because I gave her an ultimatum (either work on things or get divorced) and she wasn't ready to work on things yet. I responded back that we never really got to talk about the affair in counseling and I never got reassurance that it won't happen again, and she blew up at me and brought up everything I ever did wrong during our marriage. We did try some counseling during the separation but it was mainly focusing on the things I did that led her to seek out the affair; we had issues with my family early in our relationship, but I thought they were resolved prior to the affair, and also she wasn't 'attracted' to me anymore. We were just getting to the point of focusing on the affair when Memorial Day hit and I found out they were still together. When she blew up at me a few weeks ago, she said that 'the other guy' was and still is a great friend, a much better friend than me, that she isn't necessarily sleeping with him when they're spending time together but that they're mostly talking about me!

Anyway, our divorce is 5 weeks away, and I'm not sure whether to give things another chance or not...my head says that I've given it long enough, that she hasn't accepted responsibility for the affair and if she hasn't ended it yet that it won't ever end, but my heart is pulling me the other direction. Any advice would be appreciated!!

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#664645 - 09/17/10 09:10 PM Re: Can marriage be saved? [Re: VanHawk1234]
d2njti Offline
member

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 187
Cut your head off (actually cut it off), then you can give it another chance.

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#664646 - 09/27/10 05:04 PM Re: Can marriage be saved? [Re: d2njti]
CoachKaren Offline

newbie

Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 42
Loc: US
First off let me say, sorry you are having to go through this, but oh boy. My ex gave me the same line when he was having an affair and I was dumb enough to believe it. Found out later, that they were sleeping together almost since the beginning of their affair. Another thing and I hate to sound cliche but once a cheater always a cheater. He ended up marrying the lady that he had the affair with, but I know that he has already cheated on her numerous times. I am so glad that I am personally no longer with him. I know its hard and she probably is torn and confused, but its no excuse she cheat. Even if you do get a divorce, it doesn't necessarily say that things are final but it will show her that her behavior will not be tolerated. Who know maybe after sometime away and some counseling....things might change for the better for your relationship. But regardless right now you have to focus on yourself and what is best for you. Good luck and remember you are not alone.
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#664647 - 12/31/10 02:14 PM Re: Can marriage be saved? [Re: CoachKaren]
crsn23 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 4
Loc: Midwest
I am sorry, but I disagree...the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater", is not always the case. I made the horrible mistake of cheating on my wife, and know I could never do such a horrendous act ever again. The embarrassment, the loneliness, the depression, just the awful feeling associated with this mistake; I know I will never do this again. Sometimes, good people have affairs and make mistakes. However, she has to be willing to change and accept her faults. Blaming this on you, is not a solution, mere a cover-up. I pray that my wife comes to the realization she wants to work our marriage out, but in the end, the affair is what outweighs any other situation in the marriage and must be overcome.

Best of luck!

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#664648 - 10/10/11 12:37 AM Re: Can marriage be saved? [Re: crsn23]
Max71 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/28/11
Posts: 14
I don't just disagree with "once a cheater, always a cheater", I'll just call it completely false. People change their lives for the better all the time. The thing is they have to want to change and have the strength to sacrifice for that change. This woman of yours needs to make a choice. This "friend" in her life isn't helping her any and it's not a good idea that he be around if you two are going to work anything out. There can be no room for "him" in her life if she's to be married to you. If she isn't willing to make that sacrifice, I can pretty safely say there's nothing there to save. Takes two, both giving 100%.

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#664649 - 04/20/14 11:06 AM Re: Can marriage be saved? [Re: Max71]
JoeSr Offline

recently joined

Registered: 04/20/14
Posts: 6
In my opinion, and based on my own recent similar experience, if she cared about you and the marriage, the affair wouldn't have happened in the first place; or she would be doing all the work to repair the damage she's done. If you have to discover what's happening and chase her around, then she's checked out of the relationship, and you're wasting your time. It's heartbreaking and hard to accept, but partners are fully capable of this kind of selfish and irrational behavior; and when it happens you're pissing up a rope trying to fix it.

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