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#682646 - 11/30/10 01:16 PM Hi...
neveragain71 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 1
I have been with my husband since 1989 we were married in 1996. We have two beautiful children who are my world. Here is the problem: I should have left him two years into dating him. That was when he started telling me about all the things that were wrong with me, i.e., acne scars...I could name something wrong for each body part, Literally! I have tried to leave twice, both times came back. We have been to marriage counseling and I have been to counseling on my own as well as he had when we separated in 2009. Now I find myself contemplating divorce yet again...the latest incident was his raising his fist to me twice Sunday night...part of me wishes he would have hit me just so that there would be an end to it....I am not here to "air out" my dirty laundry...I am here for help, advice and possibly friendship. I want to do what is in the best interest of my children even if that means leaving my husband....Thank you

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#682647 - 12/02/10 06:10 PM Re: Hi... [Re: neveragain71]
nolonger Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
Welcome. This may not be the right place for you to find friendship, especially on the abuse forum. You may find good advice, bad advice and totally off the wall comments from those who intend to harm. Just a FYI.

What holds you back from divorce? I was married in 1993, had 4 kids and can say, too, that I should have left the first time we broke up in 1989.

Well 15 years later and it's much harder to leave. What held me back was the kids. I couldn't break their heart and our family.

Until he started being abusive with the kids in the same room. Then I knew it was far worse for me to stay and they witness the abuse of their mother.

It was far more difficult than I thought but looking back, it all made me stronger.

If divorce is what you want, do your homework. Be prepared. Expect the worst and worse than that. Keep safe and have a plan for any scenario. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman.

But you will get through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel and new life beyond that.

Make the most of it if you get out. And keep your chin up. Tell yourself how beautiful you are inside and out and forget his lies.

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#682648 - 12/22/10 11:39 PM Re: Hi... [Re: neveragain71]
yregna Offline
veteran

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
You are weak, you use this man for money, and you complain about it ?

Why can't you make it on your own ? Try getting a job fer chrissake !
_________________________
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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#682649 - 12/23/10 02:17 AM Re: Hi... [Re: yregna]
Maury Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 8182
Loc: This Asylum --->
You should not have married. You stayed in the marriage too long and it seems that you hope abuse will occur in order to better your position in the divorce. None of those are particularly redeeming factual issues.

The bottom line is that you were married and had children. Now you wish to divorce which means dividing assets, debts and arriving a suitable parenting time plan that works for both parents and the children. You may wish to start with mediation. If you are uncomfortable doing so alone, you may wish to hire counsel.

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#682650 - 12/23/10 04:54 PM Re: Hi... [Re: Maury]
english7 Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 3165
"You stayed in the marriage too long and it seems that you hope abuse will occur in order to better your position in the divorce"

If you haven't listened to threats and insults for years, you would not understand what the poster means by just getting hit and having and end to it.

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#682651 - 12/23/10 04:56 PM Re: Hi... [Re: english7]
Maury Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 8182
Loc: This Asylum --->
Threats and insults do not constitute domestic abuse.

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#682652 - 12/23/10 05:10 PM Re: Hi... [Re: Maury]
english7 Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 3165
And I did not say they did.

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#682653 - 12/27/10 11:43 AM Re: Hi... [Re: Maury]
nolonger Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 09/15/08
Posts: 305
[quote]Threats and insults do not constitute domestic abuse. [/quote]

What planet are you on?

Yes, threats DO constitute domestic abuse. Perhaps what you intended to write was that well-documented threats will not be taken seriously by the law (officers, judges and lawyers) until she's already physically hurt.

This would bring her to her initial point - that she almost wished he would cross that line so she could prove to the ignorant world of fools that she deserves to leave.

What she may not know is, she doesn't need physical scares to leave. Her scars are already there. Unfortunately, because of attitudes perpetuated by some people here, those scars aren't good enough, and she risks looking like the bad guy.

I say, who cares what you look like (bad guy or not)! Get out and stay out. And steer clear of bad advice from this forum!

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#682654 - 01/05/11 04:12 AM Re: Hi... [Re: nolonger]
jaiye Offline
old hand

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 860
NL Maury is an attorney and was giving her legal advise.

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#682655 - 01/05/11 03:45 PM Re: Hi... [Re: jaiye]
english7 Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/27/09
Posts: 3165
According to Virginia law, "16.1-228. "Family abuse" means any act involving violence, force, or threat including, but not limited to, any forceful detention, which results in bodily injury or places one in reasonable apprehension of bodily injury and which is committed by a person against such person's family or household member."

So threats on one's life count, as does forceful detention. I don't think name calling or insults can be said to be a criminal act/misdemeanor. Emotional abuse is certainly a good reason to leave a spouse, though.

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