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#728146 - 08/15/11 01:15 PM NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO
JohnAnthony Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 5
So 2 months ago my wife of 15 years tells me she is not happy and that I am too possesive and controlling and insecure and if I cannot change she is not sure she wants to be married to me and maybe we shoudl seperate for now. I instantly go on the defense and wonder what is going on and assume there is someone else, she tells me there is not and its all about me and how I act. After a couple weeks I accept it and start going to a counselor and see how I was and try to start a change. In the mean time we stay in seperate rooms, argue, make up, I try to do the right thing and work as hard as I can on it. After a few more weeks things just get ugly and the fights turn physical and she also said she wants to be happy and is going to do what she wants to make her happy and be selfish and I should figure out what makes me happy. So after the many fights and nights she spent out with her cousin who is going through a divorce, I decide to move out and go stay with parents and friends because I cannot sit there while she is out partying and coming home at early mornig hours.

Last week I had her followed and she went to happy hour after work, no problem, she went to a party at her cousins, no problem, she then went out and went to a sports bar, somewhere she would never go with me, then went to a club, no problem, then here is where it gets bad, she went to a motel, I am not sure with who or to meet who, but my friend said she pulled into a motel and stayed there for 3 hours from 2am until 5am and then went home. I called her, texted her and emailed her the whole time since my friend called me while she was there. I have left for work out of town and she had not responded or answered my calls in 4 days. I am not a fool, i know what happens in motels, I am in shock, upset, angry and my first thought was to file for divorce.
I love this woman and am starting to think I might be able to fogive her, but I have no clue what is going on in her head, I think she always wanted a divorce and maybe was scared to admit it and used the happiness issue as something to get it started. Since she will not speak to me, i am not sure what to do or what she is thinking, i know its only been 4 days, but how long do i wait and what do i do next? Please respond with any ideas, i am lost and miss my wife and i thought i needed to change, but now i think maybe she has had someone else the whole time and just used her happiness as an excuse, i wish she would talk to me so i could ask her what she wants. I think she showed me by her actions, but I want to be 100% sure before I file for divorce, I love my wife and would be willing to work at it if she would, but by her not talking to me, i assume she wants a divorce. Please advise any help or info, someone has to have gone through this before me. I made a commitment 15 years ago and I want to be sure I exhaust every effort before filing for divorce, who knows maybe she will file, but I just don't know what to do.

I can think of no excuse for her to be at a motel and it makes me think she has had someone else the whole time and just used her not being happy anymore as an excuse to get the ball rolling for a seperation to see if this other person is what she wants and have me on the backburner.

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#728147 - 08/15/11 02:09 PM Re: NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO [Re: JohnAnthony]
DedicatedDad Offline
veteran

Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
"my wife of 15 years tells me she is not happy and that I am too possesive and controlling"

"Last week I had her followed"


And she is 100% correct.

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#728148 - 08/15/11 02:22 PM Re: NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO [Re: DedicatedDad]
JohnAnthony Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 5
Sorry, forgot to mention that we have had two previous occasion where she was haveing lunch with other men and admitted it was moving to an affair or was at that point. I realize i am insecure, but does the fact that she went to a motel to meet someone give me reason, or should i just turn a blind eye and had i not had her followed i would never know and is it better to never know. I think she was using the happiness cry to get a seperation to test out the waters with this other person and keep me on the backburner until she knew how things were going to go and by having her followed, i caught her in her affair and now have to decide what to do. I know it seems obvious, but I love this woman and want to work on our issues, but have no clue what she is thinking. If I had trusted her, i would have no idea she is having an affair, its called a gut feeling and i acted on, i know it wasn't right, but it showed me the truth, which is what she should have given me instead of using her happiness as an excuse for a seperation to try her new found affair and keep me on the backburner.

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#728149 - 08/15/11 03:05 PM Re: NEED HELP, PLEASE READ, WHAT TO DO [Re: JohnAnthony]
DedicatedDad Offline
veteran

Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
Your marriage is long since over, unless you don't mind your wife having sex with others.

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#728150 - 08/15/11 09:49 PM You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Yes you made a committment so long ago...but its obvious from her actions that she has reneged on that committment..

what to do, well there are many things..you can hang on, try to save your marriage but if you are the only one doing that it is probably useless. At some point, reality has to set in. By being with other men she has pretty much shown you what she wants. People that love each other don't do this most of the time.

Cheating is a deal breaker.

Do you want this to be your life, hanging on to someone who is out at night...waiting...and being unhappy?

Yes divorce is sad and very hard but sometimes thats what has to happen.

You deserve to have a woman in your life who wants to be with you, not other men. Those of us that have had this happen, hang on and pray, beg, plead do whatever to get them to change their mind and usually they don't.

Get some legal advice, see what your rights are and plan for the future without her. Get some counseling and if she wants to try and save the marriage then go for it but if not....then end it, work on yourself and move forward.

It will be hard and it will be very sad, but it may be better then being thrown away.

Good luck.

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#728151 - 08/16/11 01:01 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
JohnAnthony Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 5
God, how lost can I be. So I tell my wife that either we work it out together or we get divorced and we need some kind of communication because no communication will only end in divorce, let me know what you want.

She responds and says lets talk. I call and she goes on to say that she did go to a room with somone and broke down and cried the whole time, nothing happened, she said she realized what she was doing and realized that she still had feelings for me and explained what was going on to the guy. I am wanting to believe her and just not sure what is truth and what is not. I want to be married and I want to have my wife back, but I am not sure I will be able to let this go, I mean I have to believe what she is telling me to let it go and its hard. She went on to say she wants to work on our marriage and she realizes that she is not showing our son what a married woman, mother is supposed to do and she doesn't want him to think this is how marriage is. I have been going to couseling alone for 1 month and now she says she will come with me, I am happy about that, but I hope its not her feeling guilty about whatever happened.

Why could she not see this in the beggining and why did she have to be going out so much for the past two months. I know she was trying to rebel and just be happy in the short term, but it hurt me and its hard to say ok, lets do this together now. Of course I want to, but I don't want to feel like a second choice.

A friend of mine told me that since he knows i love her so much, to be happy that she is coming back to reality and not in her fantasy land of clubbing and partying and starting to realize what it takes to find real long term happiness. He said she might start listening to reason now and i should go to couseling with her and give it a chance, he tells me dicorce should be a last resort, not an option. I feel the same and just don;t want to regret anything later.

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#728152 - 08/16/11 03:01 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
DedicatedDad Offline
veteran

Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
She went to a hotel room with a guy? What did she tell you they were doing: having a nice game of checkers with a cup of tea?

Think again...

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#728153 - 08/18/11 01:50 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: DedicatedDad]
JohnAnthony Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 5
Talk about a major challenge in my life, I am not such a fool that I do not know what could have happened, I am in love with my wife and wonder if she still has love for me. I do not want to withdrawal from my marriage of 16 years without knowing that I have done everything I could have to try and make it work. I am just confused as to how long I keep trying and when will I know I have done everything I could?

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#728154 - 08/18/11 06:51 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
DedicatedDad Offline
veteran

Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 1318
It's already over. When a woman is with other men, she has already checked out of the marriage. There's nothing left to do but initiate divorce.

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#728155 - 08/18/11 10:25 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: DedicatedDad]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
I agree with dedicated dad...its over. I do not mean to sound so harsh but she has been with other men, cheating is a deal breaker.

You and your son deserve better. IF she loved you and wanted to save the marriage she would...actions speak louder than words.

How do you know she didn't bring something back with her from those other men?

My best advice is tell her to hit the road and play hard ball with her. Maybe that "will" wake her up...
and make her realize what she stands to lose and then maybe she will put her energies into working on her marriage with you and being a good mom.

My LTM ended because my X was having a 4 yr affair only I did not know it..I was so dumb I wanted to believe all the lies he told me...they were all lies and a waste of time, I should have kicked him to the curb instead of hanging on to someone who was with SOMEONE ELSE.... now out of it....what was I thinking????

again you deserve a woman that loves you and does not cheat

but we get so DESPARATE THAT WE HANG ON LIKE FOOLS

dont be a fool

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#728156 - 09/29/11 05:02 AM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
bearlovergu Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 2
Did you leave your wife or did you stay? I understand how you felt and how much you love your wife nd its hard but you are better off without her.I know I am going thur something right now and its worse then yours but then again we always think ours is worse then others.

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#728157 - 10/06/11 02:13 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
8KidsNotShocked Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 2
John, unless there are children from your union with this woman, RUN FROM HER. Seriously, screwing around is a deal-breaker UNLESS there's children involved. Then, the greater good is at stake. Trust me, you can stay with someone whos cheated if your CHILDREN are at stake. But if not, gather your self-respect, collect your dignity, turn off the love and consideration, AND LEAVE. If I didnt have 7 children with my wife, I would have left her in '09. If I didnt have 7 children with my wife, I would NOT be in counceling moving toward reconciliation now after being slapped and punched by her a month ago. My wife has been with 4 other men outside the marriage in the 16 years we've been together. The first two, I chocked up to youthful confusion, before our children came along (my HUGE mistake). I forgave and let them both go. Then, 6 kids in 8 years, I find out shes screwed 1 neighbors husband once, and was is in a 4 month affair with another neigbor who is also married. Both deals, unprotected, under my trusting nose. My wife even did [censored] pics for the last guy, which she would NEVER do for me, which I found on her computer, which led to her getting busted. YET, for two years, I stayed, trying to get the marriage in "recovery", have ANOTHER child with her, move, let the big house go to foreclosure... then a month ago, she assaults me in anger during a argument about NOTHING. THEN, I left. But my 7 younger children are suffering, my pastor is helping, God calls me to forgive, so Im going back. BUT I HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER ! My point is, if you DONT have children with her, SHE WILL DO THIS TO YOU AGAIN. Even if you HAVE children, shes likely to cheat again. Brace yourself for a lot of humility, crow eating, deep-seeded anger management, betrayal... OR DIVORCE HER ! Leave now while you have an ounce of dignity left.

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#728158 - 10/10/11 01:44 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: 8KidsNotShocked]
buckwheat Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
Buckwheat dont do the cheatin thang, when Mrs Buckwheat cheated, Buckwheat ran her ass off! I wouldnt put up with that if I were you, but you have a choice. I would be afraid I would have too many little tater heads running around if my gal was going ot hotels all the time. Buckwheat take care of his tater heads, but he dont want to pay for someone elses tater heads!

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#728159 - 11/11/11 07:14 PM I am wondering how you are doing? [Re: buckwheat]
margi Offline

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Registered: 11/11/11
Posts: 1
People can be very harsh when it is not their heart breaking. I understand your reason for wanting to work things out. Did you manage to start counseling. I think she needs to go as well, as she seems to feel the need to find something outside. I mean something she is missing. Please let me know how you are. People do care.

m.

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#728160 - 01/05/12 06:45 AM Re: I am wondering how you are doing? [Re: margi]
JohnAnthony Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 5
thanks to all that posted, it has been roughly 6 months and I have finally brought enough courage to let go. It was tough and I tried to hang on, but its funny how when you finally let go, the other person wants to come back around for whatever reason. I just realized that all the respect and trust was lost and it would take more than i was willing to give to gain all that back, and I'm not sure it would ever be back the way it was supposed to be. I have talked to a lawyer, but that is it, just talked to know my options, as i am sure she has done the same. She since has said she wanted to go to counseling and work on things, but I am not sure that is the best avenue, so we have agreed to do our own thing and see where things are in a few months. I think that was the best thing I could have ever done was to not rush into a divorce and give it plenty of time to make sure of what i wanted. The path is getting clearer now, but is still not complete, hopefully the next few months bring progress whichever way it may be. Thanks for all the words and to anyone needing advice, it gets better, when you think its over and your done, remember God only give his strongest soldiers the tough tasks, so remember you have freinds and family that care about you. Thanks

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#728161 - 01/25/12 10:01 PM Re: I am wondering how you are doing? [Re: JohnAnthony]
yregna Offline
veteran

Registered: 07/25/06
Posts: 1265
Loc: Oregon
John,
Your marriage is OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER. For men, cheating is like eating a greasy unhealthy pizza when they have filet mignon at home. You can still give up the Pizza, and keep the marriage going.

for women, cheating is like purchasing a really expensive sports car, even though they have the camry to get to work. You are insane if you think there is ANY reason for her not to drive the ferrari to work, and tell her friends about it, and wash/wax it, and get it tuned up, and get it detailed.

I'm sorry your marriage is over, but at this point, you are inches away from saying " Hey, I'll pay my wife even if she screws other men, 'cause I'm whipped and helpless "

Very sad...
_________________________
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it..." "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get"

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#728162 - 04/02/12 01:29 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
dobralov Offline

recently joined

Registered: 04/01/12
Posts: 2
I am sorry for your agony. And it is, I know. I know.

First.

My wife had an affair last year and I found out on Facebook. When I confronted her, she lied, said they just "made out" and she stopped it before it went anywhere. She then blamed me for everything that was wrong in our marriage. Much has happened since then, but the point is that I can relate.

Second: she is lying about what happened. Cheaters always do this. They want to keep you calm and can't face what they did. She most certainly slept with the guy. Finding a way to accept that is critical.

Third: don't make ANY decisions about what to do until the initial trauma and shock has subsided. By "trauma and shock," I mean the total lack of control over your emotions and thoughts. You have just suffered a blow comparable to a sudden death in the family. I don't think "having her followed" when you suspect an affair is evidence of being "too controlling." It's natural.

Fourth: IF she shows TRUE remorse and understands why she must DEMONSTRATEABLY end all contact with the OP to acknowledge your pain and atone, then you might consider staying. She should answer any and all questions you have, though I would caution against digging for physical details until you have re-established some emotional intimacy with each other.

If you want to stay, it's a difficult and harrowing process that will require work on BOTH your parts. The problems in your marriage that led to the affair are still there whether the affair continues or not. For you, if you want to stay, finding a way to separate the affair from those problems will be part of your struggle. If she wants to stay, she should be willing to endureyour emotional roller coaster from her betrayal, be willing to re-earn your trust, and be willing to discuss the problems in your marriage.

It will require honesty on both your parts, and both of you must fight fair. You must discuss without blame, analyze without attacking. It's near impossible to do because emotions tend to get the better of us, especially after something so traumatic for both of you. If you want to stay together, you WILL need professional counseling.

Avoid telling friends and family what has happened. You will need an ear, no doubt, so find one friend you can trust to keep his mouth shut and that can listen WITHOUT JUDGING. Most friends, even best ones, will be subjective and angry at your wife. This person is not an ideal choice. The more people that know, the worse this experience will be for both of you.

REMEMBER: You should not make a "final decision" answering the question, "Should I stay or should I go" at this time. I would advise against trying to "placate" her or "win her back." Cheating is not acceptable and being too accommodating or trying to "please" her or "win her back" will not work. I'm not saying to be a bastard to her; I'm saying be cautious and make it clear that you are being cautious. Make it clear you can't be with her with him in the picture, period, but do so calmly.

Sound impossible? Maybe it is. There will be slip-ups where your emotions get the better of you.

Beware of "false reconciliation," where she shows fleeting remorse and says the right things, but continues the physical affair or the emotional element of it. Most female cheaters mire themselves in the emotional affair before consummating it. I am sorry to say this, but you can be sure she did several times, not just once--no one cries in a hotel room for three hours and 2 am with another man in the room--sorry, there's just no way. If you can't accept this in your heart, then you're still in denial. Remember the stages of grief, and you most certainly ARE grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I personally felt like I bounced through and around these stages dozens of times.

She will have difficulty ending the emotional affair even if she discontinues the physical aspect of it. She replaced you with him and he gave her the attention, love, and respect she felt was missing. It's possible you to want to give her that NOW as a means of "winning her back," but she is currently "addicted" to him. She will suffer withdrawal symptoms like depression, anxiety, fear, and irritability if and when she ends contact. DO NOT TELL her this. You are not her therapist.

If you take only a few things from my ramble, know this: Suspend a decision until your emotional roller coaster subsides. Reign in your emotions when talking about anything with her--you need to be a rock--if you feel them taking over, calmly leave the room. Don't try to placate her and she will most certainly try to negotiate for ways to "keep him in the loop." Affairs may take time to end, but there can be no contact. Be cautious: do not accept the first signs of remorse as a sign that everything will be fine.

I understand your position of wanting to try everything before you leave: My position was I'd rather have stayed too long than leave too early. There is no "silver bullet" for "winning her back." The only advice I can think of to give on that matter is to "fight fair" as I described above, and it is MUCH easier said than done.

I would also advise you to avoid seeking TOO much advice (irony). You must find your own way, in a sense. Most people will tell you to leave, to get out, that you deserve better. All this might be true, but the bottom line is you must figure out what works for YOU, not for others. Not for your friends, not for your family.

Remember: she has checked out of the marriage. The normal rules of marriage like lying and cheating no longer seem so wrong to her. She will need to hit rock bottom before she "comes around," and she may not even if and when she does so. Tough love on your part may accelerate this process, but be prepared for the worst.

Maybe that's the point of all this "wake up and leave her" advice. Once you leave her, and I mean REALLY leave her behind in your heart, she may bounce off the rocks. Of course, if you "leave" her just to get her to come back to you, are you really leaving her at all? Ick.

Tough love. Stay calm around her. Give yourself permission to privately grieve. Realize you are not emotionally stable at this time (and that's ok--it will get better). Expect honesty about everything but be prepared to hear unpleasant truths. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING THAT "WENT WRONG IN YOUR MARRIAGE." Accepting responsibility means accepting your fair share of your marriage's faults; blame is taking on too much of it.

In the end, you will be stronger. In the end, you will be happy, even without her--and trust me, I know how impossible that might feel right now. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be.

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#728163 - 04/02/12 02:51 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: dobralov]
Soccerdad39 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 7
I read your post twice, it was that good and you might as well have been talking to me, so thank you. Your advice is sound, and will be followed by myself. I've started moving away emotionally and am in a good place with the house and finances, she's the one who is not, maybe karma since she cheated, dunno.

Again thank you for that well written and provocative post.

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#728164 - 06/23/12 08:51 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: dobralov]
MEBlack Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/22/12
Posts: 10
I read your post twice & I'm a woman & not the Cheater...He is. Great advice!!

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#728165 - 11/08/12 09:58 PM infidelity [Re: Annie7676]
Benthic1965 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 11/05/12
Posts: 5
Thanks for so many of your comments. My husband had an affair and after two years of us going to counseling I realize that it's just me who is really committed to making our marriage work. He is moving out, he says he "deserves to be happy". We were married for 20 years and have four kids. He claimed he never had the time that he wanted with them but we make time for things we think are important which is how he found time for his girlfriend. Actions do speak louder than words.

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#728166 - 03/18/16 10:49 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
Drewmac412 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 03/18/16
Posts: 1
Loc: West Palm Beach, Florida
Exact same thing happened to me. No use in holding on. She's already checked out of the marriage. Plus even if you forgave her and she came back it would always be in the back of your mind and it will eat you up. Get therapy and work on yourself. Concentrate your energy on yourself and kids if you have any. The emotional pain is worse than physical pain but it does get better with time. Also, don't rush into a new relationship. Get your head right first.

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#728167 - 10/03/16 12:38 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: Annie7676]
Melhern Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/03/16
Posts: 2
I think you're a good man with issues that need to be sorted out, I think you're right monitoring her activities to prove her not committing to you but I feel you can hire a computer expert to monitor her phone activities to have an idea of what's going on, I tried it once with [email protected] and it's safe to say it turned out good. Good luck to you

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#773148 - 03/28/17 11:39 PM Re: You know what to do.. [Re: JohnAnthony]
FrancoStacy Offline
newbie

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
Just a general comment. Most people do not leave relationships, especially marriage if there is not someone else or someone they are pretty sure will be there when they do leave.

The exceptions to this general rule is that people that are abused or facing addictions in the marriage may leave without someone else being there.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard a woman that gets tired of her husband or starts feeling old then claims she dose not love her husband, is not happy and swears there is not anyone else...then you find out there was someone else. Then she tells people that my husband was controlling and some level of abusive and she wasn't happy.

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