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#731499 - 09/26/11 06:09 AM I'm scared that I'll get screwed.
philliesgranny54 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 8
Hi all. Not new here, but absent for some time. Been married for almost 38 yrs, not in love with STBX for about half that time and he's finally agreed to a divorce. But he wants to go the mediation route and I'm really afraid because I don't know how to do this and he has resources/money that I don't.
He makes $80K plus a year (OT included) and I recently started working F/T at $8 an hour. I know I'll get permenant support, but hub has drafted a "proposal" that ends the support when he retires; he's now 60. I do know that in NJ, this will be the case. This proposal states that he'll give me $20K at time of divorce, pay for my (his) car which is 7 yrs old, and give me $350 a mth for support until the house is sold in which we split 50/50 all proceeds. After that, support goes to $500/mth.
I gotta tell you, we aren't going to make anything on the house. It's a 5 bedroom rancher in a great spot, but there are many repairs to be had for the potential buyer and we still owe about $170K.
I know this doesn't stand a chance in any type of court or litigation, but the man has abused me mentally and emotionally, most of our marriage. He's also had one affair that I can prove, one that I can't. He's also got a mom who's 86, not in great health and still owns her house. I want part of that when it's sold - I've helped hub take care of his mom and maintain the house, since his dad got sick 20 years ago.
I'm scared to death because hub holds all the cards, knowing full well that all I have is the internet and some advice from friends.
How the hell am I supposed to live on my own with this measly offer, even though I've wanted it for years! I don't know what to do.

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#731500 - 09/26/11 01:13 PM Re: I'm scared that I'll get screwed. [Re: philliesgranny54]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
My 19 year old son makes about $8 per hour and lives on his own, so it can be done. If you make good financial decisions with the lump sum payment, that'll help out your monthly income also. I note that your husban'ds proposal makes no mention of you having to pay out on negative home equity -- I might drop that topic completely if I were you.

And as for wanting part of his mother's house proceeds when it's sold? For helping your husband take care of his mother???? Are you KIDDING????? You have no right to ANY of that house at all. You admittedly didn't work during the marriage, didn't contribute financially and now you want part of your mother in law's home?????

I might take the time you have left and start some type of school program.....in order to increase your ability to make more money than you do now.....

Your ex has offered to pay for your car **a savings to you** you are working, he's offered to pay you $350 until the house sells, without mentioning your liability for any negative equity and then to increase your spousal support to $500 per month, regardless of that negative equity.

If you wanted to escape the **abuse** you could have left YEARS ago -- you wanted it for years, per your words. Then, you should have gone -- but you've permitted yourself to be in an essentially untenable situation, regardless of abuse.

I make about what your husband makes -- that $500 will seriously impact his finances -- but he's willing to pay it.

I don't think that you're going to be very successful in getting more than what he's offering -- of course, you could take your chances and attempt to fight it, trying to find an attorney to represent you and making your husband pay the fees, but I'm not sure that you'll be very successful. The only thing that you may win on is having support continue after your husband retires --

Honestly? It's not a bad proposal --

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#731501 - 09/28/11 03:49 AM Re: I'm scared that I'll get screwed. [Re: BeachBabeRN]
philliesgranny54 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 8
Sorry that I was misunderstood. I didn't want to write a long story but I do have to clear some things up.
I stated that I recently started working full time, but that's only after being unemployed for 15 months. I've worked a full time job for better than half the time of our marriage. So yes, I have contributed financially, except for the births' of our 2 children, 2 surgeries and loss of employment. I'm not crying foul; just correcting myself.
Yes, I left the marriage long ago. It wasn't very long though, before I realized that I wanted it to work and gave the marriage another chance. It was all good for awhile, but in less than 6 months I knew that I could never grow old with his man. By that time, we had our first grandchild and moved to a new home. So I stuck around because I thought it was my duty. Yes, my duty! That was all part of my "conditioning". Has anyone ever heard of that in a verbally abusive relationship? I hardly ever argued with him because it was part of my "conditioning"; never said "I have a headache" even if I was sick as a dog, always made him feel like a king because that's what I had thought I was supposed to do... If a person's never been in a classic textbook 'verbally abusive relationship', it's very hard to understand.
There's a song called My Immortal, that suits my situation. There's also one sentence in that song that is so true in my case: "There's just too much that time can not erase".

Anyway, the part about his mother's house is just my hostility coming out. But as far as spousal support, $500 is a piece of cake to someone who makes minimum $5,000 a month. As he will be relieved of the mortgage as soon as the house sells and he will either be living with his mother or selling her house, I think he can handle more than $500 a month. Anyone who lives in NJ will tell you that an $8 an hour job is nothing compared to the cost of living. I will make it work financially. I will survive because he wants me to fail and go back to him like a beaten animal.
I don't want pity. I know that marriage isn't easy, but this one has been far, far less than perfect.

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#731502 - 11/06/11 08:52 PM Re: I'm scared that I'll get screwed. [Re: philliesgranny54]
Gecko Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/02/04
Posts: 20602
Loc: Third rock from the sun
But he wants to go the mediation route and I'm really afraid because I don't know how to do this and he has resources/money that I don't.

---> Just because you participate in mediation does NOT mean that you can't have your attorney present to assist you. The purpose of mediation is to come to an agreement outside of the courtroom to save time and money.

I know I'll get permenant support, but hub has drafted a "proposal" that ends the support when he retires; he's now 60. I do know that in NJ, this will be the case.

---> This is why you need to consult with an attorney to know your rights. With an almost 40 years marriage, spousal support would NOT end when he retires...however, the amount he his paying would possibly change because his income has changed.

This proposal states that he'll give me $20K at time of divorce, pay for my (his) car which is 7 yrs old, and give me $350 a mth for support until the house is sold in which we split 50/50 all proceeds. After that, support goes to $500/mth.

---> Laugh...laugh long and hard. He's taking home $5000/month and he want to pay you $350/month?!? And he'll up that amount up to $500 after you split the proceeds on a home in one of the worst housing markets...on a home that needs work?!? Tell him that you want $2500/month with the amount to be revisited when he retires. You also want half of his retirement.

I know this doesn't stand a chance in any type of court or litigation, but the man has abused me mentally and emotionally, most of our marriage. He's also had one affair that I can prove, one that I can't.

---> Yeah yeah year...whatever.

He's also got a mom who's 86, not in great health and still owns her house. I want part of that when it's sold - I've helped hub take care of his mom and maintain the house, since his dad got sick 20 years ago.

---> In your dreams. Seriously...it's HER house and you are NOT entitled to any of it.

I'm scared to death because hub holds all the cards, knowing full well that all I have is the internet and some advice from friends.

---> Let your fingers do the walking in the Yellow Pages and call two attorneys on Monday and set yourself up an appointments.

How the hell am I supposed to live on my own with this measly offer, even though I've wanted it for years! I don't know what to do.

---> Please do whine...I really dislike it when people whine about things that are within their ability to control.
_________________________
If you air your dirty linen in public, expect people to comment on the skid marks!

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