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#750381 - 06/04/12 05:42 PM i have no one to talk to
devastatedjn Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 3
I have been with my husband for 28 years (dated for six, married for 22). We were high school sweethearts and built a beautiful life together. Over the past year, he grew more and more distant, got on an exercise kick, lost a ton of weight, started to stay out very late, working longer hours and pulled away. Whenever I would ask him if there was something going on he would deny it. On February 13th, his phone alarm wouldn't stop going off so as I tried to shut it, I saw a text that he had sent to a young girl he works with (10 years our junior) saying that he misses her and loves her. I confronted him. He denies anything other than a good friendship with her but our life has been unraveling since. He says that he just isn't happy anymore, that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life from this point forward, that he loves me, but he hasn't been happy in a long time. Since that day, we have had ups and downs...I have started to see a psychiatrist and began taking anti-depressants. We try to act 'as if' things can be normal, but they aren't. I feel like I am walking on eggshells...like i am auditioning for his love...like he holds all the power and cards. I'm sure he would have left me by now if it weren't for our kids and his not wanting to disrupt their lives. But i honestly don't know how to move forward. i don't want to divorce him. but living in limbo like this is slowly killing me. please help me.

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#750382 - 06/05/12 03:39 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Renny Offline

addict

Registered: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
Sorry you are in an unhappy situation. You can try to salvage the marriage, but the odds are against it. It's not your fault or anyone's fault. All that's left to deal with is grieving. Be strong.

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#750383 - 06/05/12 03:57 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Renny]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Is HE going to a therapist ?

Will he go to marriage counseling with you ?

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#750384 - 06/05/12 02:50 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: finz]
devastatedjn Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 3
thank you very much for your insights. I have been looking into some sort of marriage therapy/counseling but have been a bit afraid to broach the subject with my husband since he gets so upset whenever i try to discuss things. He just wants to act 'as if' and says things like 'i just want things to be the way they were' We did have a longer conversation this weekend and we were both in tears at the end...mourning what was...mourning where we are...petrified about what the future holds. I did a stupid thing yesterday and looked the OW up on Facebook so now I have a face to go with my imagination...it's haunting me. I think I need to truly decide to let the past be the past and make a promise to myself never to play the 'tape' over and over and over again...i have to keep my eyes and heart focused forward it we are to give this a real go. I truly pray that our marriage can be saved...i just wish I could fast forward to see how this all turns out so i can be sure i'm making the right choices.

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#750385 - 06/05/12 09:16 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Best of luck to you on this situation. Yes by all means try to save your marriage but sometimes unfortunately it can't be saved. I dont mean to sound gloom and doom but if one partner has checked out it can be next to impossible.

Does he want to save the marriage? Is he interested in going to counseling and stop communication with the OW?

The grass isn't always greener on the other side but once the other person believes their key to happiness is out of the marriage its truly hard to save it.

Things will need to change in order for the relationship to move forward. LTM do get stale so maybe changing it up but it will only work "if" he wants to. That sounds pretty one sided I know because your happiness is important also.

If he really wants to stay then working on the relationship should be top priority.

Its hard to move forward once you know about the situation with the OW.

I wish you luck.

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#750386 - 06/07/12 01:53 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Annie7676]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Talking in marriage counseling was what taught me that my marriage was over. That wasn't easy to digest, but I feel better dealing with the TRUTH, not my fantasy land "If I just try hard enough I can fix this"

How old are the kids ?

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#750387 - 06/07/12 05:59 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: finz]
devastatedjn Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 3
Finz...thanks...i just wish i had a crystal ball to know how it all turns out so i'd know if i'm wasting my time or if it'll be worth the fight. my kids are 19, 17 and 10.

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#750388 - 06/07/12 10:17 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
I'm still looking for that crystal ball too.....when I find it, I'll share !

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#750389 - 06/09/12 11:22 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Wasting your time or worth fighting? Thats the million dollar question. If you knew the answer to that it would be so easy.

The X of my LTM told me he didn't love me anymore, needed to find himself. As most of us do, I hung on and tried desparately to save the marriage, counseling, changing it up, everything...and at the end of the day it was a waste of time. He had already checked out and was on his way to the OW.

I truly believe in saving a marriage but on the flip side if the other partner does not want to then its a waste of time. In my case it was a waste of time as he was not honest. He wanted the OW and he wanted out.

Looking back it would have been so much better if he had just told the truth instead of the lame excuses that they say that are not happy, not sure what to do, blah, blah, blah...

I have been divorced for 12 yrs now. It was hard and it was sad. While it was hard on me it was worst for the kids. Our children were in their teens. We lived going through the motions before he left.

I dont know any sure fire way of knowing what to do because each situation is different. Divorce is really hard and very very hurtful. But it doesnt' have to be.

My best advice is be honest with him and find out what he really wants to do. Looking back I see no benefit in staying together for the children if one partner has checked out. You deserve more than that.

I have not quite figured out how to save a marriage and fight for it when the other partner wants to leave if anyone knows the answer to that it would solve all the problems of broken marriages.

I hope your marriage can be saved but if not I would focus very hard at making the split amicable and non bitter which is so hard.

As I look back I berate myself for hanging on to this man who no longer wanted me. It was so incredibly stupid on my part but thats human nature I guess. Its normal to want to save the marriage for the kids, ourselves, etc. But the dynamics are hard to work with when the other person isn't into it.

Everyone deserves to be happy and sometimes after divorce, we all can be happy or reach different goals and find a place to be content with.

Again I hope you can save your marriage, plan for that but also have a back up plan for the alternative.

And if thats the alternative, focus on one that presents the most positive options for the kids as they will be totally hurt and sometimes very angry, at that point it becomes all about them and how to make it less painful for them.

Good luck.

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#750390 - 06/15/12 07:47 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
I've been reading a lot of books lately trying to decide whether my relationship can be saved or not. One thing I just finished reading was about whether or not an affair has to mean the end (this part doesn't pertain to me but is part of the book) The therapist said it doesn't have to mean the end but it's when you stop caring that if the other person finds out that you have already checked out and decided you don't want to stay.

I don't want to be mean but I think your H gets upset when you bring up counseling because he has already ended the marriage. He just hasn't left yet. He may not leave and you may live in a perpetual state of pretending everything is all right. You may have to issue an ultimatum, but iwouldn't suggest doing that until you are sure you are ok with any response he might have.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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