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#750381 - 06/04/12 05:42 PM i have no one to talk to
devastatedjn Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 3
I have been with my husband for 28 years (dated for six, married for 22). We were high school sweethearts and built a beautiful life together. Over the past year, he grew more and more distant, got on an exercise kick, lost a ton of weight, started to stay out very late, working longer hours and pulled away. Whenever I would ask him if there was something going on he would deny it. On February 13th, his phone alarm wouldn't stop going off so as I tried to shut it, I saw a text that he had sent to a young girl he works with (10 years our junior) saying that he misses her and loves her. I confronted him. He denies anything other than a good friendship with her but our life has been unraveling since. He says that he just isn't happy anymore, that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life from this point forward, that he loves me, but he hasn't been happy in a long time. Since that day, we have had ups and downs...I have started to see a psychiatrist and began taking anti-depressants. We try to act 'as if' things can be normal, but they aren't. I feel like I am walking on eggshells...like i am auditioning for his love...like he holds all the power and cards. I'm sure he would have left me by now if it weren't for our kids and his not wanting to disrupt their lives. But i honestly don't know how to move forward. i don't want to divorce him. but living in limbo like this is slowly killing me. please help me.

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#750382 - 06/05/12 03:39 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Renny Offline

addict

Registered: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
Sorry you are in an unhappy situation. You can try to salvage the marriage, but the odds are against it. It's not your fault or anyone's fault. All that's left to deal with is grieving. Be strong.

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#750383 - 06/05/12 03:57 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Renny]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Is HE going to a therapist ?

Will he go to marriage counseling with you ?

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#750384 - 06/05/12 02:50 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: finz]
devastatedjn Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 3
thank you very much for your insights. I have been looking into some sort of marriage therapy/counseling but have been a bit afraid to broach the subject with my husband since he gets so upset whenever i try to discuss things. He just wants to act 'as if' and says things like 'i just want things to be the way they were' We did have a longer conversation this weekend and we were both in tears at the end...mourning what was...mourning where we are...petrified about what the future holds. I did a stupid thing yesterday and looked the OW up on Facebook so now I have a face to go with my imagination...it's haunting me. I think I need to truly decide to let the past be the past and make a promise to myself never to play the 'tape' over and over and over again...i have to keep my eyes and heart focused forward it we are to give this a real go. I truly pray that our marriage can be saved...i just wish I could fast forward to see how this all turns out so i can be sure i'm making the right choices.

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#750385 - 06/05/12 09:16 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Best of luck to you on this situation. Yes by all means try to save your marriage but sometimes unfortunately it can't be saved. I dont mean to sound gloom and doom but if one partner has checked out it can be next to impossible.

Does he want to save the marriage? Is he interested in going to counseling and stop communication with the OW?

The grass isn't always greener on the other side but once the other person believes their key to happiness is out of the marriage its truly hard to save it.

Things will need to change in order for the relationship to move forward. LTM do get stale so maybe changing it up but it will only work "if" he wants to. That sounds pretty one sided I know because your happiness is important also.

If he really wants to stay then working on the relationship should be top priority.

Its hard to move forward once you know about the situation with the OW.

I wish you luck.

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#750386 - 06/07/12 01:53 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Annie7676]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Talking in marriage counseling was what taught me that my marriage was over. That wasn't easy to digest, but I feel better dealing with the TRUTH, not my fantasy land "If I just try hard enough I can fix this"

How old are the kids ?

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#750387 - 06/07/12 05:59 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: finz]
devastatedjn Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/04/12
Posts: 3
Finz...thanks...i just wish i had a crystal ball to know how it all turns out so i'd know if i'm wasting my time or if it'll be worth the fight. my kids are 19, 17 and 10.

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#750388 - 06/07/12 10:17 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
I'm still looking for that crystal ball too.....when I find it, I'll share !

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#750389 - 06/09/12 11:22 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Wasting your time or worth fighting? Thats the million dollar question. If you knew the answer to that it would be so easy.

The X of my LTM told me he didn't love me anymore, needed to find himself. As most of us do, I hung on and tried desparately to save the marriage, counseling, changing it up, everything...and at the end of the day it was a waste of time. He had already checked out and was on his way to the OW.

I truly believe in saving a marriage but on the flip side if the other partner does not want to then its a waste of time. In my case it was a waste of time as he was not honest. He wanted the OW and he wanted out.

Looking back it would have been so much better if he had just told the truth instead of the lame excuses that they say that are not happy, not sure what to do, blah, blah, blah...

I have been divorced for 12 yrs now. It was hard and it was sad. While it was hard on me it was worst for the kids. Our children were in their teens. We lived going through the motions before he left.

I dont know any sure fire way of knowing what to do because each situation is different. Divorce is really hard and very very hurtful. But it doesnt' have to be.

My best advice is be honest with him and find out what he really wants to do. Looking back I see no benefit in staying together for the children if one partner has checked out. You deserve more than that.

I have not quite figured out how to save a marriage and fight for it when the other partner wants to leave if anyone knows the answer to that it would solve all the problems of broken marriages.

I hope your marriage can be saved but if not I would focus very hard at making the split amicable and non bitter which is so hard.

As I look back I berate myself for hanging on to this man who no longer wanted me. It was so incredibly stupid on my part but thats human nature I guess. Its normal to want to save the marriage for the kids, ourselves, etc. But the dynamics are hard to work with when the other person isn't into it.

Everyone deserves to be happy and sometimes after divorce, we all can be happy or reach different goals and find a place to be content with.

Again I hope you can save your marriage, plan for that but also have a back up plan for the alternative.

And if thats the alternative, focus on one that presents the most positive options for the kids as they will be totally hurt and sometimes very angry, at that point it becomes all about them and how to make it less painful for them.

Good luck.

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#750390 - 06/15/12 07:47 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
I've been reading a lot of books lately trying to decide whether my relationship can be saved or not. One thing I just finished reading was about whether or not an affair has to mean the end (this part doesn't pertain to me but is part of the book) The therapist said it doesn't have to mean the end but it's when you stop caring that if the other person finds out that you have already checked out and decided you don't want to stay.

I don't want to be mean but I think your H gets upset when you bring up counseling because he has already ended the marriage. He just hasn't left yet. He may not leave and you may live in a perpetual state of pretending everything is all right. You may have to issue an ultimatum, but iwouldn't suggest doing that until you are sure you are ok with any response he might have.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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#750391 - 06/23/12 08:38 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Debi]
MEBlack Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/22/12
Posts: 10
LEAVE!! GET OUT!! GO NOW!! YOUR HUSBAND IS A LYING, EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE CHEATER. YOU CAN'T SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE...IT TAKES 2 PEOPLE TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK!! I am sorry to be so BLUNT, but I am trying to save you from 1 more day of YOU giving him anymore of YOU!! You will NEVER move forward, as long as you stay in a marriage where your giving everything & he's giving nothing but lies!! Believe me I know. My husband, while we were in marriage counseling just to make our marriage stronger...Lied, Cheated, Stole $, Verbally/Emotionally abused me, Used me & then left with NO WARNING, NO EXPLANATION! Now he is living with someone & it only took him 2mos after he left. My husband NEVER told me he wasn't happy, he didn't know what he wanted...He was always 100% about our marriage, his vows etc; ALL LIES!! Your Husband is giving you "clues" because he's not strong enough to tell you the truth. YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG!! You DON'T deserve to live like you are, neither do your children. I'm sure your children know a lot more than you or your husband think they know. Show your children, that it's not acceptable to treat a woman this way & as a woman you will NOT live like this...It's DISRESPECTFUL! Please let me know what your thoughts are?? STAY STRONG!!

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#750392 - 07/01/12 02:47 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: devastatedjn]
BethB Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 1
Your story sounds just like mine. I've been married for 13 years and I suffer from depression too. My husband is texting some woman across the country and he told me he had feelings for her. He use to work with her when we were station in Jacksonville, FL.

So he could have been physical with this woman. I don't wanna know. He has been talking to her for 7 years. This makes me angry and hurt.

I am NOT in-love anymore with my husband but, I still have feelings for him. I want to work it out but, he doesn't. I also have no one to talk too. I have few friends but, not alot and none very close anymore(my husband was my best friend) and I am not close to my family. My sister and I are close but she lives far away. I talk to her maybe once a week. My mom died 2 years ago and I am still griving for her. She would be the person I would turn to in this time of pain.

Ohhh you wanna know what really is bad...Is I still live with my husband.

My name is Beth btw...and I am brand new to this group.

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#750393 - 08/21/12 04:28 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Debi]
episkopos Offline

recently joined

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 5
Loc: Ghana
Your dear husband clearly is dissatisfied about something in the marriage and refusing to talk about it. Try to get him to share it with you otherwise, you can talk to someone you both respect and listen to. Save your marriage now.

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#750394 - 12/08/12 07:14 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: episkopos]
1234km Offline
addict

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 443
MEBLACK, I don't know how the hell you got emotionally abusive from the posts, but you can't just go around labeling something as serious as that, especially when the poster never said anything remotely close to emotional abuse.

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#750395 - 12/12/12 12:13 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Debi]
Anything4Love Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Virginia
If you really want to save your marriage, you've got to try and find out what is missing in your marriage that compelled your spouse to stray, and do what you can to rectify those problems. Barring that, the chances are not good. Having reached this point, it's clear your spouse will not live with the status quo.

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#750396 - 01/06/15 11:46 AM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Debi]
Vroooom Offline

recently joined

Registered: 01/06/15
Posts: 9
Well by now you know a lot more, but if things are still in limbo, I have a few things to add. Men typically will not leave a relationship until they are SURE they have someone waiting for them. It could be he doesn't know what he wants because the OW is not sure what she wants. In that case, you may have some time. I would be kind and civil to him on the home front, but because of his actions in the marriage, if he wants you, he needs to WIN you back. I would go about rebuilding my life right under his nose. As hard as it might be, do things that are healthy for you. Try some things you have always wanted to try but just haven't made time for. Don't take responsibility for him or his actions, and don't make him responsible for yours. Try not to be too affected by what he does or doesn't do. When you are negatively affected, journal about it instead of contending with him. Go to dinner with friends. Take up a hobby, go horse back riding, start a swimming class, find a support group, make a new friend. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness. Take charge of it as best you can within the bounds of marriage. If you have a faith, talk with your clergy. Try to carve out a way of being an emotionally independent, confident woman. And let it be known you will not take his crap ever again, and make him show it in ACTIONS. As a rule of thumb, men use a lot of words with women because they know it can get them somewhere with them. But, when men deal with men, they all sort of know that words don't mean much of anything, and it is actions that matter. So, for that bit, think like a man. Watch and judge him by his actions, not his words. It seems to me the risk is worth taking to try to save your relationship. If it succeeds, it might be stronger than ever before, if it fails, at least you know you left no stone unturned in trying to save the relationship. I feel for you. My ex left me for a younger woman and he divorced me. It is not an easy thing to pass through. But, I am a stronger and better person now than before it happened.

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#750397 - 01/06/15 07:51 PM Re: i have no one to talk to [Re: Vroooom]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
Original post greater than 2 years ago....

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