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#755914 - 11/09/12 05:32 AM Is my marriage even worth saving?
zchighsmith001 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 7
I decided the other day to put all of what I have been holding back from my wife on paper. Im not really planning on sending it to her (Im deployed right not), but I would like some opinions. Any kind of advice is helpful. Oh and for privacy sake, the names of everyone has been changed."

"For a while now our marriage hasnít felt right and I couldnít pinpoint just what was wrong. Recently though I have come to the conclusion that the spark is gone. Idk what is causing this, but there are many things that have changed since we got together. We both used to try so much harder to impress each other, whether it be by dressing up, wearing a new perfume/cologne/, working out to stay fit for the other, doing spontaneous things to add some excitement to the mix, or trying something new like ice skating or dancing even though I cant dance. Somewhere down the line this all stopped. We both stopped doing the things that made this relationship exciting. I have, on a few occasions, tried to do some of these things like wear cologne for you or dress up for you and on a few occasions proposed new things we could do together. None of this has really panned out. I have hoped that maybe you would try something to mix things up a bit as well, but the thought has never seemed to cross your mind. Everything has become a routine. I get home, we eat dinner, maybe walk or rent a movie, then watch tv until its time for us to go to bed and sometimes at that point have sex. Theres nothing exciting about that. Nothing spontaneous or romantic about only being able to have sex a certain time of day a few times a week if you are lucky. I get that we are parents now and our options for activities to do together are very limited, but still there has to be more to do then that.

Also, sometimes it seems like we can disagree on something without fighting. You act like if I disagree with you that you have to get snappy and angry and thatís not the case. The whole feud with my mom is another thing that really bothers me. I get that she is catty and doesnít listen, but that doesnít mean you should keep her on your friends list so every day she can do something new to piss you off. I have asked you several times to remove her and you do initially, but then you add her again and the drama starts all over. Every little thing she says seems to piss you off no matter how small or stupid it is. You also get so jealous of so many people. We cant walk into a store without you looking at some little blond chick without calling her a little skank or something even though you know nothing about her. This bothers me because I try constantly to tell you just how pretty and amazing you are, but yet you still seem to have a super low self esteem. Its like every compliment I give is worthless. I ask you to do something for me, like look into a charge or call someone, or anything I donít have time to do because Im working, you just brush off as not important. You will probably argue that this is not true, but you consistently put it off or forget about it. How important can something I ask you to do be to you if you always forget about it?

Another thing that has bothered me is the fact that even after you cheating on me like 4 times when we started going out I took you back and only asked that you didnít talk to those individuals you cheated on me with. Well like 3 years later and you have had contact with Tyler despite what I asked. I donít let on to everything I know all the time. I have seen numerous times since we got back together that you have talked to him even though I asked you not to. Even after we had been married. As recently as this year I have seen a message to Kyler asking Ďso I guess you donít want to be friends anymore,í or something to that effect. You know how I feel about him and yet you wanted to be his friend? The one thing I asked you never to do. Im not accusing you of cheating, because I obviously know you havenít because you have been in another state the whole time, but that is still very dishonest of you to do. I mean I have turned the other eye to so much, even the convo I saw that you had with DJ after we got back together. You know, the one that you said your ipod dated wrong. The one where you two were talking about doing stuff. Do you think I really believed that the date on the ipod was wrong? No, I didnít. I just wanted to make things work so much. Yes, I have gone through your phone and computer a few times. The only reason it keeps happening is because every time I find something. And yes, I will admit to some trust issues, since you have been talking to your ex, that you cheated on me with, for the majority of our marriage. Even if it wasnít a consistent thing, you should have never spoke to him again after what happened. Even if he did initiate the convos, you should have never replied, let alone had full blown convos with him. And this is kind of a good transition to talking about your trust issues. I have been with you for almost 4 years now and you still ask me if Im going to leave you. You still get jealous of other females in my life. You have gone behind my back and deleted friends from my facebook before. I understand that the Puerto Rican chick was trying to get with me, but I was in boot camp. I couldnít do anything about it, but if you had asked I would have deleted her. You shouldnít have done it for me. That is so controlling its not funny. And I know you say you didnít delete Ashley (a long time friend and nothing more) from my friends list, but given that you have done it before and your jealousy streak, I have a hard time believing that. Not once in our entire marriage have I done a single thing to deserve you not trusting me? The answer is no. I have never once cheated. I married you and now have had 2 kids with you, yet you still donít fully trust me.

Needless to say we have a lot of problems. Idk if you were aware of this, but it is how I feel. I donít like feeling like this, but I cant help it. I donít want to go on with my life always feeling like this. A marriage should be exciting, even if its just sporadically. Communication shouldnít be a concern, but it is for us. Your husband should make you feel good about yourself, but clearly I donít or you wouldnít be jealous of every little blond chick you see. I really think when I get back we should see a marriage counselor. They may be able to help us see why all this has happened and give us both advice on things we can change to bring back that spark."

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#755915 - 11/14/12 02:59 PM Re: Is my marriage even worth saving? [Re: zchighsmith001]
elliesmom Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 8852
I won't critisize your wife, because I don't know her.

I will say that after 12 years of marriage the "spark" between us is still there - but it doesn't come from the things it used to. Like cologne. Now it comes from when he (after a rough night - 2 kids wet the bed, 1 kid had a bloody nose and didn't wake up and had a murder scene bed, and the baby puked in his bed) calls in sick to work to help me clean up the mess. When he can (i.e. he's not deployed or on a ship job) he reminds me that he is the great guy I married. And that gives me the "spark." I think surprise lingerie still does it for him though, LOL.

So if you are reaching for the spark that involves a new person - you won't find it in your wife of several years. You are setting yourself up for failure. Finding things you enjoy doing together and finding ways to give one another space and time to do your own things - all great ideas.

Honestly she sounds kind of depressed and immature. Which being alone with a couple of kids, worried about your husband (who isn't feeling it anymore), is unlikely to bring out the best in her. A marriage counselor wouldn't be a bad idea.

From a practical standpoint - you have to balance the needs of your kids (because you will be relegated to visitor status and its better to wait until they are school age) with your future (her chunk of your retirement is only increasing the longer you are married).
_________________________
Forgiveness is...letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.

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#755916 - 11/16/12 07:09 AM Re: Is my marriage even worth saving? [Re: elliesmom]
finz Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/17/08
Posts: 6756
"working out to stay fit for the other, doing spontaneous things to add some excitement to the mix"

******************************************

Are you complaining that after she had 2 kids in 3 years she's put on some weight and doesn't spark things up by parading around in lingerie ? If you want her to want to work things out with you, that is NOT the way to go about it.

EM is right, your wife does sound immature. It sounds like your wife isn't the only one with that issue. No, she should not still be chatting with Tyler/Kyler. You should not have married her if you hadn't forgiven her for cheating on you. If you did forgive her, it's not okay to still be going on about it.

When my kids were in grammar school, we all had to learn about a program to help with communication that was supposed to help them with bullying. I think the same program should be part of premarital and marital counseling. The critical points are:

Make "I" statements.

Don't say "never" or "always", especially after saying, "you."



So, things like this are okay to say.....
"I like it when you xyz."
"I feel frustrated by having a partner who is still in contact with an old boyfriend."
"I feel unappreciated."

Things like this are NOT okay to say.....
"You never dress up for me anymore."
"We never do anything romantic or exciting."
"You don't show me you love me."
and
most of your letter

Making "I" statements means phrasing things in terms of what you want or need. There is no room in there for complaining to a partner what they are doing wrong.

For example,
"I have, on a few occasions, tried to do some of these things like wear cologne for you or dress up for you and on a few occasions proposed new things we could do together. None of this has really panned out. I have hoped that maybe you would try something to mix things up a bit as well, but the thought has never seemed to cross your mind. Everything has become a routine. I get home, we eat dinner, maybe walk or rent a movie, then watch tv until its time for us to go to bed and sometimes at that point have sex. Theres nothing exciting about that. Nothing spontaneous or romantic about only being able to have sex a certain time of day a few times a week if you are lucky."

You should be aware that if you say that to most women, they will NEVER have sex with you again. You just said there was nothing exciting about having sex with her.

You might have a better shot with:
I know that the kids keep you really busy. That's a big stress. I want to know if there is anything I can do about that to help you feel more romantic more often. I miss when you used to dress up for me when we were dating.....and dress down for me when we were in private. I miss when we used to make love in the morning and on the kitchen counter. What can I do to help us get some of that excitement back ?



You have kids. I think that obligates you to give this marriage your BEST efforts. That doesn't mean staying married to someone who is still facebook flirting with her ex and lying to you. That comes under explaining things that you find unacceptable in a marriage. You can tell her what you want and need without telling her everything you think she is doing wrong.

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#755917 - 11/28/12 01:04 AM Re: Is my marriage even worth saving? [Re: zchighsmith001]
Debi Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 7157
A spark doesn't stay the same forever. There may even be times when it's there for one person but not the other. Funny thing I thought about when I read your post. Please read through what I'm writing because at first it will not make sense but I promise it has a point. this morning i woke up and came down the stairs. My SO works second shift so he was still in bed. When he came home last night he built a fire in our wood burning stove. It was beautiful with bright high flames in all colors of orange, red and blue. We sat and watched it for a bit before I headed to bed and he stayed up to watch TV and keep an eye on the fire until he had it atthe right temp. So this morning I glanced in the direction of the stove when I got up even though I didn't expect to see anything. There was one piece of wood still buring. Not brightly as it had been 7 hours earlier but burning never the less. There were no shooting flames, it was kind of buring very low inside itself. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. So beautiful that I stopped my morning routine to sit and watch it for a few minutes. It was amazing the way the embers danced inside themselves, not for everyone to see but burning just as hot as the original fire.

What I'm trying to say is that an outward spark doesn't last forever. Sometimes it becomes a hot slow burning ember.It's not any less real that a brightly burning fire. It's just changed and that slow burn lats a lot longer and goes a lot deeper. It comes from time and patience. And amazingly enough if you nurture and tend to it and add more to it, it can become a brightly burning fire again. Each individual just as to make the decision whether or not to keep that ember going.

I think counseling is a great idea. Trust does seem to be an issue. Just having taken her back is not enough. You have to make the decision to forgive her for the past. Not necessarily forget but forgive. From what you wrote I don't think you have, and I understand it's a hard thing to do. I don't think anyone would blame you if you couldn't but you have to decide if you can really forgive. Counseling may help work out the pain you obviously still have over her cheating. She is more than likely insecure because she knows you haven't forgiven her. I'd bet that she is afraid you'll leave because she is insecure about the past.

You will never be in the first stages of love again. You've been through too much but that doesn't mean it can't be good if you both work at it.
_________________________
When we were together, you said you'd die for me. Now, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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