I'm glad you were open to listening to EM's comments on your parenting. That seems to be a huge part of this.
His sons are in a different position that your dd. Your dd still has a dad. His sons lost their mom. It sounds like your husband wanted you to step up and fill a full parenting partnership role with them, while you expected that you should treat them with the full mom love, but limited mom discipline, that you saw as being the step parent role. Communication might have saved a lot of stress there.
Yes, we have all made mistakes. Your dd has made some SERIOUS mistakes. They are more serious than a teen smashing a car (as long as that wasn't a DUI and no one was killed). People can triumph after making serious mistakes. A first step is looking like you have learned from them and matured. A dd who is preggo and dependent on a parent and a step who she has already put through hell with her drug problems has no business throwing things in anger. It doesn't matter what he may have said first. That you backed up her poor judgement should infuriate your husband.
I'd start with owning some of these parenting issues. That you screwed up with excusing your dd's behavior. That you didn't try to step up with his kids when your hubby was deployed. (Truthfully, teens aren't easy.....it probably wouldn't have all gone smoothly even if you were in your best disciplinary mode, but magically thinking teen boys will control themselves for months when dad was away was poor judgement). Tell him those things that you recognize that you need to change.
Then talk about what more you need from him. Probably giving your dd another shot, if/when she acts sincerely repetent.
The money issue is fixable if you both want it to be. If he has a history of being a late/non payor, then you do the bills. Period. Deal breaker. You can work out of you both put your whole checks in and get a "working allowance" and what your savings goals are, or if you keep some seperate and contribute "x" amount into a joint bills account....your choice. Tell him that I said that as "the spender" in my relationship. You gotta go with your strengths as a partnership.
It sounds like you both want to make this work. Good Luck !