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#765914 - 11/26/13 08:23 PM Help. Wrongly accused.
JeffC Offline

recently joined

Registered: 11/26/13
Posts: 1
I believe I have been wrongly accused of emotional abuse. I have been married for 9 years and my wife recently came to me and stated she wanted a divorce because I have been emotionally abusive. Maybe I have, I don't know. I was in control of the money, but she had money whenever she wanted. I made most of the decisions, but I thought she was OK with that as that is how our relationship has always been. She also claims that by me making negative comments about other people they were meant for her and she feels abused because of that.

Not really sure where to go from here. She definately wants a divorce and will not talk to me about counseling and refuses to see that maybe this was not emotional abuse.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

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#765915 - 11/27/13 02:48 PM Re: Help. Wrongly accused. [Re: JeffC]
BaltDad Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/25/13
Posts: 52
It's just what women claim when there is nothing they can prove as grounds for divorce. My wife said the same thing. I have never laid a finger on her and have never threatened her in any way. Yet, I was also "emotionally abusive". I guess that's what they call it when you have a bad day at work and come home and aren't in the mood to cuddle. It's complete BS. However, it really doesn't matter in most States --- if she wants a divorce, she can file for it and allege anything under the Sun. Chances are someone will move out and you guys will be living apart for a required period of time. Then the divorce complaint will just be amended so that she can get her divorce based on having resided separate and apart for the required time.

It's just a tactic that allows her to get the ball rolling. It also casts blame on someone other than the party filing the divorce. Women can justify their selfish actions to dissolve a marriage / break up a family by claiming that they were somehow the victim of something so horrendous. It's cowardly, in my opinion. I guess it's possible that there is such a thing a real emotional abuse, but I bet 99% of marriages don't have it.

I think my boss at work is emotionally abusing me by making me come in everyday and giving me work to do. Sometimes I am even told that I have a deadline! How can I live like this?? The bastard must pay for my unhappiness. (sarcasm)

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#765916 - 11/27/13 02:49 PM Re: Help. Wrongly accused. [Re: JeffC]
BaltDad Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/25/13
Posts: 52
btw - if she wants the divorce, let her pack her stuff and go. You stay put.

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#765917 - 11/28/13 05:44 AM Re: Help. Wrongly accused. [Re: BaltDad]
annieo Offline

veteran

Registered: 07/07/10
Posts: 1499
Are you kidding me - there IS such a thing as emotional abuse and it happens A LOT! A man or woman who is repeatedly called names, ridiculed, and made to feel worthless is emotionally abused and yes a spouse can make another spouse feel worthless and over time the individual may begin to believe the things that are said to him/her etc.. I cannot believe you said that - go volunteer in a womans shelter and talk to those women - it happens ALL.THE.TIME. Then volunteer for a crisis hotline and listen to those people. Yes some are wrongly accused but many are not and I would guess MOST are not!!

This coming from a man who wouldn't allow his children to see their mother until she signed a 50/50 custody agreement.

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#765918 - 12/02/13 03:57 PM Re: Help. Wrongly accused. [Re: annieo]
BaltDad Offline

journeyman

Registered: 10/25/13
Posts: 52
Annie, don't speak as if you know anything about me or my case. You don't know how involved and good I was with my kids and my wife. She was soliciting extramarital relationships. When she got caught, she made up whatever BS would get her in court.

Here's two examples of how SHE claims I was emotionally abusive.

1) "What do you mean you're not going to the concert anymore? We discussed this and I invited your sister & brother-in-law, and my sister and brother-in-law and our neighbors. I bought 8 tickets and we are all going to celebrate your birthday! I think for you to now back out is pretty shitty and childish." $600 wasted because she wanted to meet up with another guy instead.

2) "Umm, you haven't paid any portion of the mortgage in 6 months. You realize, of course, that we are eventually going to lose the house if you won't contribute. I think that's pretty stupid."

So yeah - according to the pleadings I called her selfish, childish, a shithead, and stupid. Not really true of course -- but when put in context it's hardly abuse on my part!

So STFU!

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#765919 - 12/02/13 08:04 PM Re: Help. Wrongly accused. [Re: BaltDad]
Redlegg Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 10/06/06
Posts: 27903
Oh goodness, STFU, and you are not abusive, that would be the full plate of irony.

Context is a funny thing, what I might consider abusive someone else may not. The problem is there are two phases to communication, sending and receiving. Your intent may not have been abusive, like with the STFU, but the perception might be very far off, like with STFU. So even though you did not see a problem with it, as fixed in your belief that you were not abusive, she may be just as fixed in her belief that you were.

If there is no walking away from this divorce, if you cannot convince her of your intent, or get her to try, at some point it is time to say, ok this is going to happen, and you have to protect yourself.

If she wants a divorce, proof of emotional abuse will be meaningless, and lack of that proof will not stop it. Might be time to get a lawyer, and start preparing for what might be the inevitable.

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