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#768162 - 08/18/14 07:25 PM Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying...
movingon1026 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/18/14
Posts: 3
My (now ex) husband and I got married late October of 2013. We knew eachother for 3 years, dated for 2 years, engaged and lived together for 1 year before getting married. We constantly use to fight, even when we were dating, and they were brutal. Throughout our engagement and wedding planning my parents would ask me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, which I would always reply "of course" even tho I was always very leary. I had always begged him to go to anger management and counseling with me, but he would never go. 6 months before the wedding (with a few bumps) and 3 months after the wedding, things were great. We had a few fights, but it wasn't constant. Right after the 3 month mark in January, the fighting became constant again. He would always degrade me and make me feel like the worst person on earth. We always fought about money and he would lie about where his money went (he never would combine incomes). When he yells at me, it cuts like a knife and it doesn't stop. I've never seen someone get so angry. I went to counseling by myself because he refused to go even after promising my parents he would go to save our marriage. The fighting continued for another 3 months before I finally had enough of the constant fighting and being lied to and degraded. I moved to my parents house May 26th (exactly 6 months after our wedding) hoping it would be temporary and we would fix things. They got worse. The fighting got worse and he would continue to yell and scream at me, threaten to take everything and just leave without saying anything. He would scream at me and when I would start crying, he would say in a really low, demeaning voice "Stop acting like you're the victim." During this time, I had found him on 3 different dating websites stating that he was looking for a new relationship, which broke my heart. Finally, beginning of July, we both mutally decided we should file for divorce but want to figure out how to split everything without a lawyer and stay civil as "friends". He admitted to not being in love with me and that our marriage would never be repairable but we would always continue to be friends. Which I was completely okay with because after the fighting, lying about money, and finding him on dating sites, I had lost trust for him knowing I would never be able to trust him again. Our parents and friends are aware of our split and divorce and have (mostly) been supportive, wishing we could have fixed it but respect that efforts were made and understanding why it couldn't be fixed. How do you announce you're getting divorced to extended family (aunts, uncles, counsins, etc) without going into detail after a short marriage? Please help! I've been having a lot of problems and anxiety over everything and this is just adding to. :confused:

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#768163 - 08/18/14 11:40 PM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: movingon1026]
Redlegg Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 10/06/06
Posts: 27903
Don't announce it. If you get asked, just say it didn't work out, and leave it at that. I know it can feel like you have a big "Divorced" stamped on your forehead, and at some level you feel that you failed(at least it did for me). That will change in time, but in the meantime, there is no need for the big announcement.

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#768164 - 08/19/14 04:08 AM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: Redlegg]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
Is there a reason you'd want to remain **friends** with this man? Why?

You have no children and no reason to interact. Cut bait as well as your losses and cut this idiot out of your life.

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#768165 - 08/19/14 08:05 PM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: BeachBabeRN]
movingon1026 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/18/14
Posts: 3
The remaining "friends" isn't an ideal situation, but I don't hate him as a person. I've helped him through a lot of issues in his life. 2 DUI's, his dad losing his job, I helped him and his parents out when they were losing their home, etc. Also, I adopted a dog and since we've seperated I wasn't able to take him with me. We both agreed that since I adpoted him but he's technically "our" dog, I would still be able to come take the dog and visit. I know he's "just a dog" but to me he's like my baby. We both know we didn't work as a married couple but we seem to work as friends. We don't see eachother often but are still civil enough to work on bills / debts / see the dog together. I know it's a very weird situation, but for my sanity, I'm trying to make this as civil as possible. He's realized his faults, but also realized why our marriage cannot be fixed. He's said that he's ruined my life and told me that I'm young enough to start over (I just turned 24 and he's 29). I hate to have to file for the divorce, but things were taken to far, trusts were broken, and our marriage just didn't work as much as it hurts to say.


Edited by movingon1026 (08/19/14 08:09 PM)

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#768166 - 08/20/14 01:49 AM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: movingon1026]
BeachBabeRN Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 01/17/06
Posts: 3236
Loc: VA for 21 years, NC forever!
Abusers don't change and that's what he is.

He abused you. He abused your trust, your love, everything good that you brought to him, he abused you. By even being FRIENDS with an abuser, you are silently condoning his actions.

Is a dog worth being around someone that abused you? What does that say about YOU? I know what it says.....you need to figure it out.

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#768167 - 12/11/14 12:40 AM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: BeachBabeRN]
kotabear Offline
addict

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 642
Beachbabe is right.

When I say this, and it's from experience, "he will NEVER change." If he would ever change it won't be for the better.

If you have no kids with this man, turn on your heels hold your head high and walk out that door. Because something bigger and way better is out there. Don't waste anymore time on this person. He is toxic and only will hurt you more the longer you are around him.
_________________________
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. (Robert Frost)

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#768168 - 12/11/14 12:46 AM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: kotabear]
kotabear Offline
addict

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 642
And you don't have to announce your divorce. Of people don't know they don't need to know. And if they have the guts to ask you if your going threw a divorce just say yup and keep it simple, like it just didn't work out.

Lol tell them your just lucky you got out when you did. Trust me you are saving yourself from years of hard ship with the wrong person. Be good to yourself, and the rest will fall into suit.
_________________________
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. (Robert Frost)

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#768169 - 04/03/15 06:31 AM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: kotabear]
kathymendoza Offline

recently joined

Registered: 03/17/15
Posts: 7
I would suggest you to move on in life, why you have to stay life long with a person who is not even caring about you. Take a good divorce attorneys help and fight for justice.

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#768170 - 06/30/15 06:54 PM Re: Married 10 months...yelling, screaming, lying... [Re: kathymendoza]
Traceface Offline

recently joined

Registered: 06/29/15
Posts: 8
Hi Kathy. I can relate. Four months after our wedding, my husband said, "I don't want to be married." I said, "Who is she?" He wouldn't say who. After he tricked me into moving out of the house, he moved another woman and her two kids into my home. I didn't even have all of my things out of it yet. So sweety, please do not try to be friends with your man. We picked bad people and they don't deserve us or our love. Put your energy into getting everything that is due to you like half of everything - the home, wedding gifts, possessions. In actuality you are too nice and should get everything. I took the nice approach too only find out the real story later. Please let me know if you would like to talk about this with me privately. I would love to help you more.

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