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#769462 - 02/12/15 07:23 AM So heartbroken
Rainydays Offline

recently joined

Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 2
I just wanted to post this because I need an outlet and I dont really have any others at the moment. This is gonna be long.

So my hub(ex?) is Navy, and is currently on mission on deployment, him being a submariner. Hes been deployed since around November.

We have been very close since the day we met, 6 years ago and got married shortly after he got out of boot, around 2 years ago. So he wasnt always in the military. We have had a handful of bad fights since we've been together, but never really split up. We lived in Chicago together, then he decided to join the military and he was sent to base in CT so I moved back home to NY to finish my degree, which I did. I was going to work on my BFA after that, but decided I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could before he deployed ( we were engaged prior to this). So I packed up and we lived on base together.

Things went a bit rough for the both of us. I felt like I needed to be doing so much more and he was always, always busy. So I was bored when he worked, and he when he got home at night all I wanted to do was be with him but he was too tired/cranky. So I got cranky with him in turn and our fights became more frequent. The summer before he deployed, so last summer, I threw out the word divorce, which we both didnt want. We went to marriage counseling and it worked, but we only went for around a month and a half because I was soon to be heading back to work on my BFA . I wanted to continue our counseling but at the time, he thought we were good, but in the back of mind I knew we werent.

So needless to say, he left for deployment and i left for school on shaky grounds but we were still so much in love. The deployment really got to me, so I admit I pushed him away whenever we would talk in port call. I did it to protect my emotions and also his, so we could both focus on what we were doing. I sent a care package that brought him to tears, and was preparing a valentines day one as well.

On the last port call, which was nearly 2 weeks ago, we got into a huge, massive argument. He knew I was pushing him away, but I didnt tell him why. Out of anger, just pure anger I said I didnt need him anymore because I felt like he was emotionally detached and I just wanted to come out the victor at that point. He then cancelled the only bank card I have, and shut me out of the other account(something he has never done). He said he was done with it all and went to his command about us getting divorced. He said we would finalize everything when he got back after this mission, roughly 2 months. He will still overseas at that time, so he wont be home. That was the last I heard from him.

I am completely heartbroken. Im away at school living in a dorm, im 27 years old and not a dime to my name because I quit work to spend time with him after I graduated. Im completely torn up because I feel like it was my fault that pushed him over the edge, but I've also done so much for him when we were together. Ive always been loyal, learned how to cook for him alone, even folded his clothes and made the bed every night. The command told him to seal me from accounts, I believe their doing this for his protection. But Ive only made his income grow the last few months, protected most of his money and only used about 100.00 a month for food and then our bills. We've saved well over 10k, and when he shut me from accounts he paid off the remainder of his credit card bil, around 2.9k.

That really, really hurt. Because our savings were for our wedding next year which tells me he is serious about this. I've been trying to remain strong and focus on my studies, but its not working. I find myself crying every other night and I cant talk to him for 2 months because of his mission, and this just started. I have no idea what is going on in his head, and that is what is killing me the most.

Is anything finalized when he goes to his command? What are they going to do, what can they do? He wont be home when he gets back from this mission, remember. All of his shipmates are my friends, and this is just too fresh of a wound right now. I needed to post something. I still am going to send his valentines care box. Part of my is so heartbroken but another part feels betrayed by this. I think it was a bit childish to do considering my life was in his hands for the past 2 years, and to shut me off right before I can get any contact from him is plainly cruel. Its so painful not knowing.

I would love any words of wisdom, hope, advice. Anything at all. Thank you for listening

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#769463 - 02/12/15 12:31 PM Re: So heartbroken [Re: Rainydays]
Redlegg Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 10/06/06
Posts: 27903
Any divorce proceedings will have to go through a court, and not his Command, it is a civil matter, not a military one. You have the same resources and protections available as anyone going through a divorce.

You have a lot going on, but it seems you are not sure of what you are looking for, or want to do. As far as support you are entitled to a certain level of support.

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#769464 - 02/12/15 12:33 PM Re: So heartbroken [Re: Redlegg]
Redlegg Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 10/06/06
Posts: 27903
Navy guidelines for family support can be found in the MILPERSMAN Section 1754-030, Support of Family Members.  The Navy formula is pretty simple.  You calculate the sailor’s gross pay by adding the base pay and housing allowances.  Do not include Basic Allowance for Subsistance (BAS), incentive pay, sea pay, hazardous duty pay, or any other specialty pays.  Then divide the gross pay as listed below:

Spouse only, 1/3 gross pay

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#769465 - 02/25/15 04:14 PM Re: So heartbroken [Re: Redlegg]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 792
Assets and liabilities accumulated during the last 2 years will be split. You might get some short term support until the divorce is final, which should only take a few months. Good luck.

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#769466 - 02/26/15 04:13 AM Re: So heartbroken [Re: MinnesotaMom]
Sherron Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/25/06
Posts: 20729
Oh, did the navy change the rules?

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#769467 - 03/27/15 08:37 PM Re: So heartbroken [Re: Sherron]
Rainydays Offline

recently joined

Registered: 02/12/15
Posts: 2
**update***

I finally was able to talk to my hubs this morning, after 2 months of silence. He said in those 2 months he struggled, and he cried almost every night. I told him the same, and the whole situation was just awful, for the both of us.

We both needed a wakeup call but realized we just could not lose each other. We won't be getting a divorce, we won't be seperating. In fact, when he comes home after his deployment in May, we're taking a good long vacation which we are both needing and looking forward to, badly.

Thank you everyone for your help! I wish you all of the best!

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