I will try not to ramble too much. I am 30 and my husband is 28. We have been married for six years and have one young child. Before we met, we had each had just one prior relationship, where we were both used then ultimately rejected. We were both wounded and aimless when we met, and we settled with each other out of desperation and need, myself more than him. Both of us came from disadvantaged and abusive childhoods, and neither one of us had developed adult coping skills at the time we got together.
At the present time, our circumstances are not good. My husband has a laborer job that pays poorly. He works swing shifts, sometimes overnight, sometimes early, sometimes late, and sometimes he works ten hour shifts with only 6-8 hours breaks in between shifts. After having our child, I left my demanding, high stress job and found another job working from home. I don't make very much, and I have to stay up all night in order to complete my work while our child sleeps, then stay up all day to care for our child, who will probably be diagnosed as ADHD once old enough. I only sleep about 3-4 hours a day, broken up into 60-90 minute naps here and there.
I am not able to keep up with the housework due to my need to stay up all night to work my job, and stay up all day to care for our small child with special needs, who doesn't allow me to get anything done. I am exhausted and my physical and mental health is deteriorating as a result. I am hardly a desirable wife, struggling to clean, cook, do laundry, etc. and I have gained considerable weight after giving birth. I do have emotional breakdowns and become upset with my husband, perhaps justly, perhaps not. Money is tight and paying for household help, childcare, or medical care is out of the question.
My husband does not drink, smoke, do drugs, use the internet, go out with friends, spend money, or do anything. He plays video games excessively, but that's about it. He does go to work, and he works very hard at his thankless, demanding job. Outside of his job, he plays video games and watches Netflix. That is absolutely all he does. He does nothing around the home and has little involvement in the care our child. He does not spend money, and in fact, he has no involvement with our money whatsoever, since I handle the money and pay all the bills. He likes to say, sarcastically, that he is 12 years old. There is a grain of truth to that. Aside from his paycheck, his contributions to the household and his level of maturity are about on par with a 12-year-old. He has an unreasonable aversion to light and will not allow the blinds to be opened, so our home is always dark. He doesn't like lights to be turned on, either. This is not good for our child.
Flaws aside, he does put up with me. He puts up with my depression, my outbursts, the deterioration of our lifestyle, the messy condition of our home, my weight gain, etc. We rarely spend any time alone together and we are very rarely intimate. The lack of intimacy is all he really complains about, in spite of the overall situation. He refuses to discuss anything, much less argue. At the first sign of conflict, he shuts down. That leaves me to bear burdens alone, since he won't hear of any problems, much less work with me to solve them. This extends to even the tangible issues, such as when the washing machine broke down. He would not discuss it and ignored the problem, refusing to deal with it, refusing to discuss fixing it or buying a new one, and leaving me to find a way to cope with the laundry situation without his support or involvement.
Because of my Christian background and for the sake of our child, I feel like I need to make this marriage work and not break up our family for my personal sake. I'm truly okay living without personal happiness and fulfillment, but the physical exhaustion and the complete lack of support or assistance with anything is wearing me out. I need to be strong and present for the sake of our child. My husband loves our child, the way a teenage boy might love his younger sibling, and participates about that much in the care of our child. Our child does love him, and when my husband opts to put down his Playstation controller, he is great with our child. I think it would be wrong to separate them.
In considering whether the marriage is sustainable, I inevitably have to consider the consequences of separation. Our child is high-needs and probably has ADHD. I do not make enough money to support my child and myself, and my husband does not make enough money to support himself and pay child support. Neither of us could make it without the other's income. Even if I did get child support, the amount would be insufficient, even combined with what I make from my job, to support us. I have nowhere I can go and no one I can stay with, so my only option would be to quit working or work part-time and try to get on government assistance. That is very difficult in our state, and is not the life I want for my child.
My husband is more or less a roommate I no longer like, who happens to share finances with me. He has limited insight and, though immature and lazy, is basically good. I am still with him primarily because I recognize that I am no prize myself, and my lack of options, and the love we share for our child. My husband will not attend counseling or discuss any problems.
I am extremely depressed, although I am trying for the sake of my child to carry on and be strong. I think if I could just get more sleep, things would be more manageable. At least then, I would have more energy to try and get the house cleaned, to improve living conditions for myself and my child. It's tempting to think about taking my child and walking away from my husband, our dark, depressing, dirty home, the unspoken misery... but I don't know where we would go. Is this in any way a sustainable situation, or am I as foolish to keep floundering in it as I was to get into the relationship and the marriage in the first place, and to bring a child into it?