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#772254 - 08/03/16 09:13 PM Deciding what is best for my kids
ciera1325 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/03/16
Posts: 2
My ex-husband is wanting to relocate to Virginia and take our 3 children with him. He is moving in with his girlfriend who has 2 children of her own. She is currently going through a divorce and will share custody of her 2 girls with her ex. She makes really good money there. My ex doesn't have a job written in stone yet, but he has a job lined up where he will make good money as well. I am on disability. My new husband works hard, but factory work doesn't pay that well.
I want what is best for my children. I want them to have things that I cannot provide for them. I also do not want them to think that money is everything.
The schools have higher ratings where he will be living. Both he and his girlfriend have family here and swear they will be returning often to visit and to bring the kids up for breaks.
Unfortunately, because my ex decided that he is moving with or without the kids, they will be without one parent. Any input or advice is welcomed.
I am currently fighting his intent to move with the kids.
Thank you.

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#772255 - 08/04/16 12:41 AM Re: Deciding what is best for my kids [Re: ciera1325]
TJMH Offline

enthusiast

Registered: 07/17/15
Posts: 346
I'm sure it's not the opinion that you want to hear, but from a practical perspective it sounds like the kids will be in a better situation with their dad. They'll have one long-distance parent either way, and it sounds like if they move with him they'll be in better schools with better family income.

How stable is the relationship with the girlfriend? That might give me a little pause, but if it's a good, stable relationship that looks like it's headed toward permanency I think that would put the seal on it for me.

So overall I think if it were me, I'd put my feelings aside, hope to get as much time with them as I could but let them go live with their dad.

Maybe get the agreement on visits in writing (as in , part of a custody/visitation court order), and if he's making good money he should be able to commit to financing the travel to make sure the visits happen.

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#772256 - 08/04/16 03:07 PM Re: Deciding what is best for my kids [Re: TJMH]
ciera1325 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/03/16
Posts: 2
It seems to be pretty stable. They've been together long distance for years. Of course I didn't know about it and we were still married at the time.

Having something in writing that he has to at least help with transportation doesn't do much good since it wouldn't be enforceable. That gives me pause.

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#772257 - 08/05/16 05:10 AM Re: Deciding what is best for my kids [Re: ciera1325]
SRS Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2585
Having both parents involved is what is best for kids.

Personally, I wouldn't do it since you see to be an involved Mom.

If you do decide that your children will live with him, get it in stone that he is responsible for paying for and setting up transportation to your home and exactly what dates the kids will be coming back. Get specifics in writing and filed in the court.

Also, keep in mind that has kids grow up they will have summer sports and camps. They may not want to come to see you during the times you have set aside.

He will want child support no matter what he may say now. Get that stuff hashed out and filed in the courts now.

Also, once a cheat - always a cheat. What will you do when he cheats on his current girlfriend? She isn't responsible for providing for your children.

I have first hand perspective of being a Mom who moved away. Kids need both their parents. I wouldn't have moved closer to my family, if my ex had been involved at all. Since we've moved he's fought everything in the courts. He quit his job, got child support reduced by A LOT. Only sees the kids for 4 or 5 days once a year because he's too busy and doesn't live in his own home - he lives with a girlfriend. This stuff all messes with the kids heads. Kids need 2 involved parents and to know that their parents are there for them.


Edited by SRS (08/05/16 05:15 AM)

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#772258 - 08/08/16 08:10 AM Re: Deciding what is best for my kids [Re: ciera1325]
Goodmom Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 06/17/07
Posts: 2202
IMO, the parent that is moving away is the parent who becomes the long distance parent. In other words, the kids stay with you.

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#772259 - 08/19/16 01:26 AM Re: Deciding what is best for my kids [Re: ciera1325]
Namigin Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/19/16
Posts: 1
I don't think it's really based on who has the most income and can buy the most things or pay for the most classes. It really depends on the relationship the kids have with each parent. Being on disability doesn't stop you from being a great mother. My sister-in-law single parents with finesse on disability. consider if your kids have close regular friends.. those are hard to find. Also consider who has more of a support system for emergencies or babysitting needs... etc. When I was a kid my mom was strict and my dad was not so much. My mother kept me in line as a child and I did better with her, plus I have ADD and she didn't believe in ADD so in a way she kept me from using it as an excuse to not succeed. On the flip side, she always thought I was faking things and by the time I was a teenager she felt like a suffocating warden which was unnecessary because i was smart and made good choices, so by then I would have been better with my father. they were both awesome parents but at different times in my life. Consider what your kids needs are of the non financial variety and what you and your husband and both of your significant others have to offer.

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#772260 - 08/19/16 03:07 AM Re: Deciding what is best for my kids [Re: Namigin]
Kathy_Terry Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/13/16
Posts: 2
Hi – I applaud you for wanting to do what is best for your kids. You sound like someone who has the capacity for solid parenting.

My two (or three) cents:

1) Amount of money has little bearing on ability to provide a happy, fulfilling life for kids. I know families with huge income disparities where the kids are in good hands whichever parent they’re with.
2) A long-distance relationship is very different from living together, with five kids into the mix. Add in her in-process divorce and the odds of this arrangement succeeding are not high. A breakup of the two adults would mean yet another life-changing shakeup for your kids.
3) What about the kids’ current schools, friends, family in town? Higher-rated schools by no means justify entirely uprooting the kids’ lives for a newly-formed family unit of unknown strength and duration. Please consider trading off “better” schools in favor of continued stability for your children.

Should you agree to the move, you can have a binding agreement that he pays for the kids’ travel to see you. Have it specify how many times per year and for how long. I don’t have first-hand experience with this, but I’ve heard of a case in which the moved-away parent was ordered to pay into a “retainer” so that the staying parent could know that the money for the children’s travel would actually be there.

Please take care. This is difficult.

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