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#772270 - 08/05/16 07:04 PM Difficult visitations
enyawb31 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/05/16
Posts: 5
So, a little about me. My divorce is final. I have remarried. I have the kids every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer. She has them the rest of the time. No restrictions or anything like that. The ex has given myu oldest boy a cell phone that has tracking software on it. Do I have the right to refuse to allow him to bring it to my house? It is causing a lot of strife. I have never refused to allow the kids to call their mom on my phone. Just wondering what rights I have :/ Thanks.

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#772271 - 08/05/16 07:41 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: enyawb31]
oldsmom Offline

member

Registered: 06/08/15
Posts: 100
Yes, you can absolutely forbid the equipment unless there is something in your parenting plan specifying otherwise.

Cell phones are not much different (these days) than video games. We never bought them for our kids, but the mom did. And we had to take them away. It caused a LOT of fights, and we wish we would have just banned them outright.

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#772272 - 08/05/16 07:47 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: oldsmom]
enyawb31 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/05/16
Posts: 5
Awesome. There is nothing at all about it in the parenting plan. So now the question is how to go about it. Do I notify the ex that I wont be allowing the cell phone any longer or do I take it from the kids when I pick them up? What recourse do I have if she refuses to let me have the kids without the cell?

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#772273 - 08/06/16 03:30 AM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: enyawb31]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 787
You could also allow the phone, but it stays home at all times, thus you won't be tracked.

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#772274 - 08/06/16 10:08 AM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: MinnesotaMom]
SRS Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2585
How old is the child? How do you know she installed a tracking app?

My kids take their cell phones to their Dad's house. THey text their friends, play pokeman go, use instagram, take pictures, etc.

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#772275 - 08/08/16 01:35 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: SRS]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
is there a reason why the tracking device is a problem?

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#772276 - 08/08/16 04:27 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: Annie7676]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 787
[quote]is there a reason why the tracking device is a problem? [/quote]

Do you mind if you put one on you? You should, as it's none of my business where you go. The same applies in this case.

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#772277 - 08/08/16 05:42 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: enyawb31]
oldsmom Offline

member

Registered: 06/08/15
Posts: 100
[quote]Awesome. There is nothing at all about it in the parenting plan. So now the question is how to go about it. Do I notify the ex that I wont be allowing the cell phone any longer or do I take it from the kids when I pick them up? What recourse do I have if she refuses to let me have the kids without the cell? [/quote]

In your shoes, I would notify the mom first, and explain that she can always reach the kids via the normal phone at your house, but that the phones are becoming an issue, and you no longer will allow their use during your parenting time until the kids are a bit older.

How old are they, anyways?

Then, expect the kids to still show up with the phones. If you are picking up the kids, then ask the kids to show that the phones are being left at mom's house. Otherwise, they will try to smuggle them to your house.

Last, if the mom tries to deny your parenting time, she is in contempt of the parenting plan and you will have to document it and take her to court.

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#772278 - 08/17/16 03:08 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: oldsmom]
enyawb31 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/05/16
Posts: 5
Ok, so the issue with the phone is that she is tracking the kids and that the oldest is always texting her and she is encouraging him to be hateful and disobedient. As an example, here is some earlier texts between the two. Also yes, I do have a problem with being tracked. I have the kids for 2 days every 2 weeks, what I do with them, as long as its not endangering the kids, is nobody elses business.

Dylan: We aren't taking the bikes home so you don't have to put the thing on the back. Cya :)
Ex: Ahh, I thought he might do that. How nice of him to give you the bikes but keep them. I think I would protest loudly if I were you.
Ex: That's pretty ridiculous!
Dylan: Yeah.
Dylan: We are going to eat at steak and shake.
Dylan: Love you.
Dylan: I think he is going to make us sleep over. He's getting pjs at wm.
Dylan: Leaving for steak and shake now
Ex: Sorry Dylan, not ignoring you. I was getting groceries and just got home. How nice that he can do whatever he wants. You can always tell him you want to go home.
Dylan: I will. We are now at steak and shake. We are going to Walmart after this too. (getting PJs so he can make us stay over.)
Ex: You should tell him that b4 he buys them.
Dylan: He wont listen to me. Ive tried several times.
Ex: It's all about him. He's very selfish. Pick out the most expensive pajamas you can find. And new shorts for you both. Like what you're wearing. :) new socks, underwear too Lol. Toothbrushes! :D
Dylan: I did :)
Dylan: I made him buy a 7.88 mens shirt instead of a 4.88 boys shirt.
Dylan: And new toys.
Dylan: And toothbrushes and cloths.
Ex: Lol. Good for you!
Dylan: He got a new washing machine and dryer. I have a pic of the box it came in.
Ex: Of course. He thinks he's gonna file bankruptcy and not have to really pay for anything. Probably has lots of new things.
Ex: I suspect even if Darcy and/or Danielle throws a big fit (feel free to help them), he will refuse to bring you back. He doesn't care. If so, I have specific instructions for you. I have told the girls too, he or skank are not to bathe them, they are clean enuf. Tell me if the bedroom door locks. Delete these txts and sleep with phone in your pocket so he cant get it.
Dylan: OK
Ex: Can you put a pin on your phone? Tell me what you pick for a pin. Then set it to lock quick, like 1 min.
Ex: And you can turn off the Motorola follow me alert. Might have to send emergency alert first, then cancel it. Assuming he isnt planning on going anywhere and girls dont throw a fit to come home. Sure wish they would. He better not try to dope them up with and make-you-drowsy meds like benedryl. Please keep an eye on them.

For reference, This was the first weekend I was supposed to keep them overnight. Before this I didnt have a place that had enough beds. The kids and I had talked about this several times and everyone, even dylan was excited about it. Even the day that these texts were happening all the kids were perfectly happy and excited. I told the kids that we were gonna have to buy them some pjs and go out to eat. Also it was the 2 oldest boys birthdays so I got them bikes. I had told them that they will stay at my house. I have five kids, 2 boys - 12 and 10, 3 girls - 7, 5, 3. I have remarried so the skank she refers to is my wife. She works with children with autism at a specialty clinic. I am planning on bankruptcy and I told her so just to give her a heads up. She knows as well as I do that bankruptcy wont touch child support or alimony, nor would I want it to. I have a lot of marital debt that the judge dumped on my so I have to get out from under it. This is what she is teaching the kids about their dad. That I might drug them? That they should encourage their sisters to throw fits? BTW, the washing machine was a gift from my father in law. My oldest daughter is 7 and has autism and echolalia which means she repeats everything she hears. She now goes around the house saying things like 'nasty skank'. I was at walmart once with her and shes walking next to me and blurts out nasty skank. I cant even.

So, I am trying to reduce the influence that their mom has over them while they are with me.

As an update I did inform the ex that the phone would no longer be permitted but that they could call her anytime on my phone. I did not receive a response (she only allows email communication, no phone or text). I was planning on taking them camping for the weekend at the lake. So, when I picked the kids up she left and I asked dylan if he had the phone. I already knew he did because i could see the outline in his pocket. He said no he didnt. I told him I could see it in his pocket and he pulled it out and said I could not have it. I gave him a choice, give me the phone and we will continue with our trip or he can keep the phone and I will drop him off at his house. He refused to make a choice and was holding the phone out so I grabbed for it. We scuffled a bit but somehow he managed to keep it. I though I better take a different approach. I talked to him about it and explained exactly why I didnt want him to have the phone and that he could use my phone anytime he wanted to call her. I was about to take all the kids back to their house (the younger kids would not go without their older brother) when calvin (10) spoke up and talked some sense into dylan. Poor calvin really wanted to go camping :). So, i was able to get the phone, power it off, and had a great weekend camping with the kids. They called their mom friday night and saturday night. She encouraged danielle (3) to throw a fit to come home but it didnt happen. When the kids are with me they have a great time and never request to go home. So this weekend we are going to spend the weekend in bentonville and go to a couple of museums and some other things. I once again will not allow the phone. I hope that they remember that they were allowed, even encouraged, to call their mom with my phone and he will give it up easier.

I swear the things that she tells them and encourages them to do and say should be illegal. It is borderline child abuse. If I had the money I would talk to a lawyer about it but the judge made it clear that oklahoma does not favor men in divorce and custody situations.

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#772279 - 08/17/16 04:43 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: enyawb31]
mskelly Offline

journeyman

Registered: 05/02/16
Posts: 57
Not borderline abuse.... it is abuse. Abuse of the children and abuse of you.

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#772280 - 08/18/16 01:10 AM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: enyawb31]
SRS Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2585
We scuffled a bit but somehow he managed to keep it.

WTH are you thinking? You scuffled with your child over a cell phone. Let him keep it. Do your thing with the kids. Who cares?

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#772281 - 08/18/16 01:44 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: SRS]
enyawb31 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/05/16
Posts: 5
Im assuming you did not read my entire post. Its not about him having access to a phone. Its about limiting the influence the ex has over them while they are with me. She doesn't need to know real time whether I bought a washing machine or what we are doing at any given time. She doesn't need to be texting him telling him to take advantage of me, to watch to make sure I don't drug my daughters! When they go back to that awful person Sunday night I don't give a ats rass what they tell her. I am not keeping secrets. I am trying to build relationships with my children 2 days out of every 14. I cant do that when she is encouraging my kids to help the youngest throw fits to be returned to their mom. Luckily they never do throw fits. They have a wonderful time.

But hey, thanks for your not helpful input.

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#772282 - 08/18/16 09:10 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: enyawb31]
SRS Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2585
But, hey. If it isn't about the phone, why'd ya scuffle with your kid? Obviously it is.

Do the best you can when you have your kids. Don't worry about the other parent. Don't invest more time reading your sons text messages from his Mom. Spend that time showing your kids that you are a decent person. Kids are smarter than you may realize.

Also make sure you make time to attend as many of their sports events, school events, and extra curriculars as possible. I don't recommend taking any gfs with you to distract from you being there. Do this especially when you don't have them. That means a lot to kids.

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#772283 - 08/23/16 04:19 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: SRS]
gr8Dad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 31796
Okay, you are WRONG here. The ex is using the phone to EMOTIONALLY abuse the child. It needs to be removed.
_________________________
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...

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#772284 - 08/23/16 06:49 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: gr8Dad]
oldsmom Offline

member

Registered: 06/08/15
Posts: 100
I agree with gr8Dad. This is absolutely a form of abuse. And we have been in these shoes, so I can really relate to the poster.

enyawb31, get the texts off that phone as evidence, and haul your ex to court. What she is doing is very unacceptable. You can legally ban her cell phone, and limit her exposure to the kids during the visitations. Also, you may want to time limit their calls to her from the sounds of it.

Back before we had the cell phone issue, we had to actually remove the cordless phones from our house, and change to a corded phone in our kitchen only. Otherwise, the biomom would tell the kids to take the cordless phone to their rooms, and then try to work them up into causing trouble.

Also, I would recommend buying cell phone for Dylan while he is at your house. One you are able to manage. You can set it up so there are time limits, and other forms of controls. And if he does text her, you can use those texts as a way to hold her accountable. Last, it will keep your son from becoming super rebellious. Kids at his age become a bit crazy when it comes to cell phones.

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#772285 - 08/26/16 02:00 AM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: oldsmom]
SRS Offline

Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 2585
My kids take their phones to Dad's. Not a big deal. He used to hide his cell phone and they had no way to call anyone. So, I got them a cell phone. I don't track the kids, I don't call them. It gave them a sense of security to know they weren't completely without anyone after he and the gf locked them in the basement.

Be the bigger parent. Do you go to their school events? or do you have excuses? Be an involved parent. Kids are smart. They know who is the better parent.

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#772286 - 09/06/16 04:22 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: SRS]
gr8Dad Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 31796
Did you READ the texts she is sending them? ENCOURAGING bad behavior?
_________________________
Why give a "senior" discount, they have had plenty of time to raise the money...

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#772287 - 09/07/16 05:19 PM Re: Difficult visitations [Re: gr8Dad]
enyawb31 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 08/05/16
Posts: 5
Thank you for all your replies. I want to be clear that I am in no way preventing the kids from contacting their mother. I have certainly noticed an improvement in behaviour over the last few weekends together since I have not allowed him to keep it. I tell them that if they want to call their mother any time they can and in the evenings I call her my self and let all the kids talk to her. SRS, I understand your point but I am not preventing them from communicating. And unfortunately they are home schooled with very little 'events'. My ex is a very scary person. She has it in her head that the kids, especially the girls, are crying for her and wanting to go home 24/7 while they are with me. They are not. They have a great time. I talk to them as I take them to drop them off about what we did over the weekend and reiterate all the good stuff as well as address any bad stuff. So hopefully this will get a little easier as time goes :)

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