I love my husband, and I have for 15 years. But when we married almost 11 years ago, he changed. He left for the military and became an entirely different person. Our marriage has been rocky, to say the least. I've taken his verbal abuse, the fact that he's cheated, and even turned my back on the hypercritical way he is with our kids... I'm ashamed of how cowardly I've been. I grew up watching my Mother be abused and every time my husband raised his voice or got in my face, I broke down. He used to have a drinking problem and I genuinely thought that "caused" his bad behaviors. I mean... while drunk, he did some terrible things: broke my foot with a door, cheated... grabbed a woman's butt while I stood there, pulled a gun out and started threatening my family for things they'd written on Facebook while we were fighting. And I get it... you're probably like "you were stupid to stay". I was. I believed him when he said he'd get help and I was scared to death of the threats he'd make of taking our kids, ruining me in court, turning everyone against me so I had nothing and no one. . Because for all his faults, I'm worse because I'm "crazy" because I have bad anxiety and need anxiety medication... My husband is a master of manipulation and has made everyone believe that he is perfect.
He stopped drinking, in earnest, a couple of years ago after being arrested for the gun situation. He got help (mandatory) and I thought all of the bad was behind us, and for the most part, it was. But since then, he's just become more mean, he's less impulsive and prone to doing stupid things but so much more mean. He's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is constantly screaming at our kids, and me. He calls us names. His temper is so short, I have no idea what will set him off anymore. I have wanted to leave for awhile, but I don't know how. We're 2,000 miles from my family, who can't afford to help me in any way. We have a car that's not big enough to travel with our entire family (we have 6 kids) in order for me to leave. We are in substantial debt from paying additional medical bills for my oldest, who is severely handicapped. We were getting by before but now that Social Security cut my daughter's benefits, we can barely get by monthly. I've tried looking for a job and none of it is feasible with scheduling/pay. I can't afford childcare, I can't afford to miss work when my oldest needs round the clock care at home on oxygen and treatments. I feel stuck, in every which way. I was a stay-at-home Mom at his bequest, when we got married. I've wanted nothing more than to work and make money but every time I brought it up, he "reminded" me it's my job to be flexible and stable for our kids. Not his... Despite the fact that I'm in school online right now, to get a degree, I have no special skills or qualifications. I do not know how to leave him without money, support, even a stable vehicle. The only thing I know for certain is that my kids cannot grow up being demeaned and hurt by this man. I can take it... they don't deserve to. I have failed them by staying so long and being manipulated by his good moods and good behavior, like it makes up for the bad. This has made me so depressed lately that some days I just feel like checking out. I cry, daily. I keep going on like normal because I don't want my children to see me struggle and I'm afraid if I tell my husband I'm going to leave, the threats will start. I have no money. I have no friends here and no family who can help. We live on base in housing. I don't want anything from my husband, just the kids and to be able to leave quietly. I don't know what to do... please tell me there is a way?