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#772599 - 09/29/16 02:48 PM Is this doomed?
CasualT Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/29/16
Posts: 4
I ended up here, because I'm trying to figure out where to go. My wife and I have never been that perfect couple - it's always been pretty rocky, but this past year we've hit a breaking point. Back in February we split up (stayed living together and co-parenting; we got back together briefly without talking about why, split up again in July. I got the ball rolling on marriage counseling, but she dropped out. We support each other a lot in daily life and we both help with the kids, but we're not sleeping together.

Even so, we've had some pretty bad fights over really banal stuff: she completely lost it when I bought the wrong yogurt, I get annoyed when she tells me how to do whatever it is I'm doing (mowing the lawn or something). But this is run of the mill for us and probably for lots of people. What I can't get past is that in these fights she resorts to insults: stupid, autistic, narcissistic, etc. The best I can do at those moments is stay silent. Also, her attitude seems to be that whatever problems are between us, it's my fault and I need to fix it and ask her to come back after I've fixed my psychological problems. (I don't think I have psychological problems). All this just makes me feel like she's trying to humiliate me or it's some sort of power play. So again, I mostly just stay silent because I can't think of any constructive way to respond to it. The only thing I've been consistently telling her is that it can't be all up to me. We have to work together.

So I don't know... things have been ok for a couple of weeks (though after these months, I'm frankly tired of sleeping alone) but that might just be because we're both busy at work. We haven't been seeing each other all that much.

I don't want to get used to this situation. I want to move on one way or another, but when I think about actually signing papers to get divorced it makes me really upset, because I love her.

I'm trying be creative about the situation, because I think the children need both of us supporting them. Does it ever work out that a couple gets divorced, but remains living together? That's almost what we have now, except it's not official. I think I could maybe live with it.

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#772600 - 10/05/16 02:49 PM Re: Is this doomed? [Re: CasualT]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Sorry to hear that you are both in this situation. From where you are it's easy to say let's end it and the results may not be what either of you expected it. From your description of your arguing patterns emerge as you posted, name calling, anger...if you still love your wife and want the best for your family then a commitment to give it one last try where you both sign up for it might be an approach. And then at the end of it, if it does not work then at least you both know you tried. The ending of a marriage where children are involved is very sad. Life is forever changed and the future for everyone is changed. In some marriages divorce/separation is the only thing. Sometimes spouses get caught up in the every day life of work, kids, bills, housework, etc that they lose sight of why they were together in the first place. Hopefully you and your wife can work it out. Good luck.

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#772601 - 10/09/16 07:53 AM Re: Is this doomed? [Re: CasualT]
Samarth Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/04/16
Posts: 5
Hello sir,
Its good that you want to be creative with your situation. I advice you to try new things with your wife. Since you have some psychological issues, i want you to treat her well and present yourself in the best way you can in her service. Tell us your experience about it after observing for one week, then we will tell you more where to go...

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#772602 - 10/12/16 04:51 AM Re: Is this doomed? [Re: Samarth]
CasualT Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/29/16
Posts: 4
I don't have psychological problems. That's just my wife throwing out insults.

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#772603 - 10/12/16 04:52 AM Re: Is this doomed? [Re: Annie7676]
CasualT Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/29/16
Posts: 4
Thanks.

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#772604 - 10/26/16 03:03 AM Re: Is this doomed? [Re: CasualT]
ionsitu Offline

recently joined

Registered: 10/26/16
Posts: 2
I don't think it's realistic to be divorced & stay under one roof. But some people make unorthodox lifestyles like that work out. I think you're best bet is to try to nudge her back into counseling if you want to save your marriage. I'm in a similar boat & that's what I'm trying to do.

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