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#773000 - 02/09/17 03:34 AM I'm Struggling With Making a Decision
LS86 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/09/17
Posts: 2
Hello everyone.
I am not legally married, but I have been with the father of my children for 9 years and have lived with him for 7 years.

I need to leave him. I know I need to leave him.

Where we live now, it's a wasteland. It's a small military town and there are no employment opportunities for myself.

I wish there were more opportunities in the part of the state we live, but we are surrounded by HOURS distance with small towns. I am trying my best to not give away completely where I live, but I promise that if I were to divulge where I live, those who are familiar would agree that there is literally nothing here.

Anyway, on to the point...

I know I need to leave, but my children are so young. One child is 6 and the other will turn 5 in a few months.

I feel I need to leave and move hours away. Their father works full-time and barely makes enough to afford the house we are in now.
The closest city with opportunity is 2+ hours away. I am not sure he could even afford to travel that much each weekend.

I am considering separating and leaving the children with their father. It would be difficult to not see my children each day, but I would be willing to do it if it meant having employment and eventually being able to contribute financially (plus it would help not being around their father. I am sure the kids pick up on our spats).

My main worry is how my children will fare, no matter the set-up we agree on.
They're really young.
Has anyone else separated when the child or children are that young?
Did you live close or a long-ish distance away?

I don't know where to start.

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#773014 - 02/18/17 04:03 PM Re: I'm Struggling With Making a Decision [Re: LS86]
yy15 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/18/17
Posts: 3
Hi,
I am in a similar situation as yours in terms of the distance and having young children. Anyways, I chose to move back to my parents' place where they can help with babysitting. Do you have relatives or close friends you can rely on? As for the part that the father of your children probably can't afford to visit, you can offer to pay some of his gas once you found work.

Unless you believe that leaving the children to your partner is in the children's best interest (like he's a loving and a good caretaker), don't do it. I personally found very few men are good with children.

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#773020 - 02/22/17 08:51 PM Re: I'm Struggling With Making a Decision [Re: LS86]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 791
"I personally found very few men are good with children."

And this tells the whole story. With most men able to do as well as women with children, it's the men you choose.

As for your previous post, the court will order you to provide all transportation costs for the father to see the child. It's pretty much standard with moveaway parents. The one that moves, pays.

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#773174 - 04/02/17 02:16 PM Re: I'm Struggling With Making a Decision [Re: LS86]
FrancoStacy Offline
newbie

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
Im a man, and this breaks my heart. Every child is born with something programmed in them and that is to be loved. That love comes from their parents and men and women together provide the complete package of love. Children are early ages dont realize it, but they expect a mom and dad, its pre-programmed in us humans. If you dont believe it take a look at troubled children of broken homes, children that have been adopted but find the need to track down their mom or dad. Children are made this way and it doesn't matter their religion, their color, their gender, we all are the same.

I am going to be honest, this sounds like this is all about you and your happiness. You want to do something to make yourself happy and you want to know how much damage it will do the kids and who pays for it. My wife left and left the kids with me. It was best for the children. Six years later now she wants to be their mom again, with a new husband. Im stil the same guy, the same dad and concluded that is not what i do, its who I am.

So if you must go, then think about the kids. Not about how others will judge you, because women will be the harshest judge of you. But my suggestion is to try to work this out with their dad. The problems are real. They are big if they feel big to you. It is your reality. But think it through.

I Have read:
Small town
limited employment
want employment
nothing to do

The kids lives will forever change for those reasons
I think they deserve for you and your man to try some more.

Spats....kids are not damaged by spats, it the type of spats you have and how you both respond afterwards. My opinion if kids see parents argue like reasonable adults and either settle it or learn to live in harmony in spite of disagreements, that teaches them a lot. We could use a lot more of that quality in society.

Sure there are spats that are unhealthy, but people dont agree. Kids need to learn that disagreements are part of life...being an adult is how do we respond.


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#773193 - 04/10/17 04:40 PM Re: I'm Struggling With Making a Decision [Re: LS86]
LS86 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/09/17
Posts: 2
Thanks for the replies. I had a long explanation planned, but I scrapped it because I feel I wouldn't have to do that long explanation if I were a man...

1. I NEVER said I was going to be out of my children's lives. I'm sorry your wife made the poor choice to stay away 6 years. I love my children.

2. I know I need to separate from him. I should not have used "spat". That makes it sound like small issues that (I agree) would be beneficial for the children to see in order to learn. It's MUCH more than that.
Which brings me to...

3. He is a WONDERFUL parent. Just because our relationship ultimately did not work out does not mean he is a horrible parent. And I am shocked that I have to say this, but just because he is a MAN does not make him a horrible parent...That's rubbish.

4. I was hoping for personal experience in the mother leaving. If I had a career in this small town, I would stay. Houses are ALWAYS on the market (Gee, I wonder why...). Our neighborhood is quaint and safe. If I could, I would stay. I can't even get a job at a fast food place because so many are without jobs.

So, the bottom line is that I know I need to leave the father. I know I want to be in the lives of my children.
Oh, and when I mentioned that I wasn't sure he could afford to travel that much, I was referencing the thought of taking the children with myself to the other city. And new information has came into light that he could have absolutely afforded to travel, but I believe the best bet would be to leave the children here since my son has already done one year of elementary school here, they have a safe, lovely home, and their father is a WONDERFUL father with more than enough income. It would not make sense to take them with me when I don't even have a home, income, career, etc.
Thanks, anyway.


Edited by LS86 (04/10/17 04:42 PM)

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