I'm 24 and have been with my soon to be ex husband for 5, almost 6 years. We have been married for 4 of those years. We have had several ups and downs in our relationship. We have been seperated for amounts of time because of the military, but then reunited once we were married. We were young in the beginning, but so happy. After he finished his military training, I found him talking to other girls. Saying things like he missed them, had feelings for them and even went as far as hanging out with them. I was never told about this but found out on my own through snooping through phone messages and facebook. Bad on my part, I know.. but I knew something wasn't right. He apologized, said it all meant nothing and that he never physically cheated on me. Also while he was active and living in another state, he would go to a club and talk about line dancing. This often shortened our communication since we were in a long distance relationship. He said he never danced with girls, but it was like he was choosing this activity over the little time we had together to communicate. I also found out that he has made a plenty of fish account but deleted it. This all happened while we were dating and really ruined the trust that I had for him.
He proposed to me a few months after these incidents and we then got married and I moved away to a different state to be with him. Things would be good for a while, but because of my broken trust I always questioned everything. I could not get over the past and would always feel like he was unfaithful to me. When he was in the military, he had long days at work. He was nornally home except for when he had to work or would go to the gym or to play basketball with friends. I know I had trust issues during this time, but they progressed more over time. The only time I know that he talked to one of the said girls again is when we had a rough patch and talked about divorce - he got drunk and ended up getting her number and contacting her. I don't think he has had contact with them after that.
We moved back home after his military career ended. Bought a house, got good jobs and things would be good for a while. I am an extremely jealous person. We were at the store one day and seen a lady from his work, she was really smiley with him and there was no introducing us. Because of my trust issues and jealously, I began to think something was going on between them. When he would come home later from work or not text me on his breaks, I would play situations out in my head that were happening between them. He had to go in at times on his days off for half a day at work, but he was considered the team lead there. He joined a gym and began working out. But these things made me think he was unfaithful and going to meet and hook up with other women. When I get out of my crazy mindset I realize he was unhealthy, had high blood pressure and needed to change his lifestyle. He had to go into work to learn new things or get certified in areas because he was the leader. All of the jealousy and trust issues has made me into a very crazy wife. Not only am I making myself crazy but I pushed him to very extreme places causing him to wish he wasnt alive because he was so unhappy in the way things were.
I didn't know what I was doing... no one has ever talked down to me, accussed me of cheating and being unfaithful or just treated me with so much hatefulness. I didn't support him in the ways I should have. We argued a lot of the times and he said he felt like he was on eggshells around me. He went to talk to a lawyer a few days before Christmas. He went through with filing the divorce. I wish he would have communicated better with me, but he never has. We always pushed all of our problems aside without talking them through although I begged for communication.
Long story short, I don't want to get divorced and lose him. We have been through so much, good and bad. I have not been the best wife and he hasn't been the best husband. I made vows to him and I only want a lifetime with him. I know that we have had an unhealthy toxic relationship, but I want nothing more than to save it to make it better. He has mental issues and won't get the help that he needs. I have asked to do marriage counseling and he turns it down. I am fighting so hard to keep him. I want to get the help I need, I want to rebuild our trust. He says he loves me and I mean so much to him, but he cant go back to what we had. I tried telling him that it will get better, but he won't even let us try. He said this hurts him just as much as it hurts me. I have apologized for everything and I wish I could take it all back.
I want a fresh start for the two of us for is to have a relationship like we should have in the beginning. I am broken without him. He has been my life for almost 6 years. I can't stop thinking about him and have so much regret for the pain I have caused him.
What am I suppose to do? I don't want to move on.. but he isn't giving me a chance to show him things can be different. I want to rebuild our trust but I am unsure how to go. I get so upset/angry when I think about our past. Would marriage counseling help? I am lost and broken. I don't want to throw all of this away. Any one have any suggestions? Similar sitiations? Advice? Please no bashing, I know I am a horrible person for being so toxic. Any suggestions for me to improve myself? Books to read? I have read the 5 love languages book and feel like that could make a difference in our life if he would read it and us put it to use. It hurts so terribly bad when the person you thought would never hurt you and you would never lose, is just that - the person who is leaving and causing you so much pain.