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#772994 - 02/07/17 02:23 AM An Open Marriage led to seperation
Dave8067 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/07/17
Posts: 1

So my wife and I decided to open our marriage about 14 months ago. We met when we were young, so we figured we found an "awesome" loophole of being able to stay married while still enjoying the excitement of dating. That all fell apart when I met a girl who I developed feelings for. My wife was against this of course, but I told her that love is a beautiful thing, and I can love two people at the same time (I genuinely believed that at the time).

My wife has had boyfriends of her own, and most recently has been dating a guy... for about 8 months who is crazy over heels for her. The issue is that she never felt the same kind of love for him, and grew increasingly jealous of the girl I was dating. I kept pushing it, and trying to make it work and keep the marriage. The love I had for my girlfriend was really strong, it overcame me, and I felt paralyzed. I couldn't leave her. I felt like she was the "right" person for me and I started to see all of the flaws in my wife... as a wife. However - the issue is that my wife and I work GREAT as friends. It came down to the point where I just wanted to be domestic partners.

I should also mention that we have a 3 year old daughter.

Fast forward to today - I found an apartment and am about to move out. I'm a complete mess. I keep second guessing myself. This is a classic stupid move - leaving your wife for a new girlfriend. However, my wife and I have had problems, and have spoken about divorce in the past. I feel like we wouldn't have opened up our marriage if everything was perfect (it was a mutual choice). The relationship with my girlfriend is not brand new per say, we've been together for about 13 months.

What makes this hard is that my wife and I get along so well. But our love life has completed died. We are domestic partners. She's treating my girlfriend as a betrayal. Even though in this case, this was an open marriage, and I did not hide anything. She gave me a rule of "no love" and I broke it. I couldn't help it. It just overtook me.

What I want is for things to be civil eventually. I want my wife to know that I will continue to be there for her... in any way that I can under these circumstances. I also need to be an active part in my daughters life.

I'm sorry for the incomplete sentences, but this is exactly what is in my brain right now. I have no idea if I'm making the right move. I love my girlfriend, and I want to stay with her. I love my wife, but I can't be lovers with her. Yes, we went to therapy, and I've been stuck in this flux of indecisiveness, and now it's finally falling into one of the directions. I just don't know if it's the right one. I won't know until it actually happens and a few years pass. By which point it will be too late to undo what I did.




Edited by Dave8067 (02/07/17 02:25 AM)

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#773003 - 02/09/17 06:39 PM Re: An Open Marriage led to seperation [Re: Dave8067]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
So go ahead and dump your wife for your girlfriend. You are moving out and I hope it works out well for you and that you live happily ever after with your girlfriend. It is just too bad that you have a child that will be affected by your choice to have an open marriage to try and fix things that probably should have tried to be fixed without the open marriage. That probably complicated things. The other side/OW/OM always looks great, the girl/boy friend on the side. So hopefully your love with the girlfriend will be a great thing. The "family part" is forever changed when mom/dad split. Growing old together, SHARING your grandkids, school events, those family memories are still there but its split and its different. Its not the same and it will never be the same and that's the sad part. Very few divorced parents suck it up and become one big happy family where everyone gets along and spend holidays together for the sake of the kids. You mentioned you saw all the flaws in your wife, well news flash no one is perfect and once you start doing that hard to roll it back. I have no words of encouragement you need to do what you want to do to be happy and love your GF. Have been in your shoes so my response is based on experience. Hopefully it will work out for all of you.

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#773004 - 02/09/17 07:38 PM Re: An Open Marriage led to seperation [Re: Dave8067]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 770
I just can't relate to this type of relationship. Best of luck to the child.

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#773060 - 03/03/17 05:37 AM Re: An Open Marriage led to seperation [Re: Dave8067]
justadave Offline
recently joined

Registered: 03/03/17
Posts: 1
Divorce your wife, harm you child's life, and possibly marry a woman who was content being the "other woman." What could go wrong?

Any couple considering "opening" their marriage should read this post first.

She "gave you" a rule of no love? Did you "agree" to that rule? If so, then shame on you breaking the rule. Most people agree upon a rule of "no sex with other people," when they get married. In either case it seems like betrayal. That said, shame on her for thinking the two of you could have sex with an endless list of people without developing feelings for one of them.

You may change your tune about "being there" for your wife after a divorce turns bitter. In the end, you 3-year-old daughter pays the price. You know, you could simply own up to having betrayed her, rebuild her trust, rekindle the feelings you have with her and drop the fling too. It's an option. Your relationship with the fling is going to change after you move out - you have good cause the be second-guessing yourself. If you and the fling happen to work out long-term, eventually that love life will die too. It happens. A love life can be brought back to life, however. I think a lot of us have to see it happen at least once or twice before we realize that the problem isn't the other person, it's how we reacted when things started to go south.

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#773141 - 03/28/17 03:50 AM Re: An Open Marriage led to seperation [Re: Dave8067]
FrancoStacy Offline
newbie

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
I have heard the downfall of the open marriage multiple times. I personally know two coupled that failed bot in big time crashes of anger and jealousy, neither couples are even friends now but in the beginning they thought they were being so modern and so intelligent. Agree its a symptom and not a cause but never is this a fix for anything.

Yes I am divorced too. Not because of an open marriage. You say you were young, but that is a cop out. I use to work for a boss that had his wife picked for him by his parents and they were never allowed to be alone, they are still together after 30 years and three daughters later. My mom and dad married young. She was 15 years old and they were happily married until death in their 80s. So its a mindset about commitment before the commitment is ever made.

Keep in mind your daughter is innocent. Your daughter is not entitled to a Disney vacation, a new car at 16, or debt free education at a good college, but what she is entitled too is a faithful mom and dad that take care of her and of each other and show true love by putting their own wants second to the wants of their spouses and then understanding that they have a chance to change the world...that is your daughter. That is your shot in life to make a difference and you leaving her mom is making a difference in the wrong direction. It teaches her to look out for her self above all else.

I told my wife I would never cheat on her and i didn't. I told her the reasons is because i promised God. And because i love her and wouldn't want to hurt her, but I said also...and this is huge. I said if I go out and cheat on her....then i come home and I hug my daughters with those arms, I touch my children's faces with those same hands and I kiss them with those lips that were just on another woman as I hear them say mommy and daddy over and over. I could not do that to my kids.

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