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#748564 - 04/29/12 05:22 AM My story
CeeCee Offline

recently joined

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 3
Just discovered 2 wks ago that my husband is cheating (again). As they say, follow your gut. I knew something was not right in the last month. Sure enough when i brought it up, he started in with the "i'm not happy" talk that all the cheaters give. And i found him saying the same things verbatim that he did when he was involved in his last affair. I truly knew it was something deeper, and had the "pleasure" of my worst fears being confirmed on Friday the 13th. I was leaving for work and he was acting suspicious, covering up the computer when i walked by, then closing it abruptly. He then sat on the couch so i went right next to him, and sure enough there was an email on one of the tabs. I went back and forth w/him for a good 20 mins before i got him to crack. He met this woman through work - she is married with 4 kids! EEK. The last time this happened, it was a coworker, and i had just given birth to our youngest. I was devastated then, and an emotional wreck. I did whatever i could to save the marriage, which meant a lot of give by me. This time, it is still devastating, but i'm trying to stand strong and not play the victim. Him doing this again just shows who the problem is - HIM! He is a thrill seeker and is never satisfied. Even before all of this, he would complain about how he hates his life, hates his job, etc. Always looking at the negative, which is tough for me to deal with as i am more of an optimist. Life has truly been a roller coaster since finding out. One day i feel fine and ready to face whatever comes at me... other times i mourn the fact that our little family will be broken up, and feel that i have been just so easily replaced. We have been together for 20 yrs. I also try to tell myself that this was bound to happen again at some point, and at least i'm still young-ish... so plenty of time to start over and maybe find a nice guy who can appreciate someone who is truly dedicated and loyal. Surprisingly, we are pretty civil toward each other (well more surprising on my part i guess). I just can't deal w/the constant bickering and i know we still have to maintain some kind of relationship for our kids. I'm probably a little too nice. But at this point, he is being agreeable about the major issues we have to deal with, and is willing to move out..and i know how much worse things could be, by seeing what others have gone through. It's just funny to me that he thinks that things will be all roses w/her.. let's see how well that works out when you are also dealing with 4 additional children. Her husband doesn't know and poor guy is probably just getting the little cheater discussion of how she isn't happy anymore. I feel i can't call him since this could directly involve my H's work. If he loses his job, that won't help us...then he'll never leave. So unfortunately, i have to keep my mouth shut. I hope he discovers it on his own. I did tip off the last H because as i mentioned, we were trying to work on our marriage (so i thought) and then i found out they hatched a plan to make it seem that way, only for them to wind up leaving each of us. That situation died, but i always said if he did it again that i wouldn't put up with it.. and he has brought that up, saying that is how it has been easier to "let go", since he knows i wouldn't give him that chance. So maybe it is better that way, since i can be a real sap. Anyway.. i'm rambling.. but starting to read stories here and just want to say... as hard as it is, you have to stay strong and realize the situation for what it is. Once they are hooked on someone else, it is REALLY hard to get them to snap out of it. It was a long road after my H's first affair and i thought things were for the better.. and look where i am now! It sucks, but i do know deep down that i wasn't strong enough to leave him then (8 yrs ago). I am in a much better place overall and while it isn't easy, i know that i do deserve better.. to be loved and treated with respect. And you guys do too! Thanks for listening.

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#748565 - 04/29/12 08:11 PM Re: My story [Re: CeeCee]
Renny Offline

addict

Registered: 09/24/11
Posts: 479
My sympathies. It sounds like a terrible mistake on his part taking on responsibility for 4 kids when he already has kids.

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#748566 - 04/30/12 09:20 PM Re: My story [Re: CeeCee]
Annie7676 Offline
old hand

Registered: 06/05/05
Posts: 933
Loc: NY
Yup you do deserve better...so do you have a plan?

Its hard to know what to do. Can you put this behind you and stay married or will it forever be there, like the elephant in the living room?

I know what you mean about being too nice...I have that trait also...I think its being codependent. I learned that from reading codependent no more.

Are you in a position to end the marriage? Thats a tough decision especially when kids are involved.

My X of a LTM cheated on me, only I didn't know it until he was gone, was the last to know.

If I had known at the time, it would have been a deal breaker. Of course most of us try to hang on and "save" the marriage. Hard to offer advice because its so difficult to know what to do.

What do you want to do? What does your gut tell you?

Are you in a position to even consider a divorce?

Do you work? Have support from family, friends, etc?

There is a saying Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this very tough situation.

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#748567 - 05/19/12 12:59 PM Re: My story [Re: Annie7676]
Ron_in_Limbo Offline

recently joined

Registered: 05/19/12
Posts: 2
I wish you well. I guess each story is different, but in the end it appears outside forces adversely affects our lives. Stay strong.

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#748568 - 03/11/13 11:27 PM Re: My story [Re: Ron_in_Limbo]
Coffee Offline

recently joined

Registered: 03/10/13
Posts: 4
I can totally relate - I am in the very same situation currently after 22 years of marriage. I hope you find someone that deserves you!

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#748569 - 05/09/16 11:14 PM Re: My story [Re: Coffee]
PTMOM Offline

recently joined

Registered: 05/09/16
Posts: 6
CeeCee, your story sounds very similar to mine. The old saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" keeps running through my head. My husband and the other woman have played a lot of cards to keep my mouth shut and not tell her husband... I am still tempted every day. The only thing that stops me us my kids... husband gets fired, beat up... or worse... it is only going to hurt my babies more. It is so hard to be strong and do the right thing, but just know there are good people like us put there. And our kids and families are lucky to have strong selfless women like us taking care of them!!!

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#773151 - 03/29/17 12:08 AM Re: My story [Re: CeeCee]
FrancoStacy Offline
newbie

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
PTMOM - you are a good woman. You take the pain for the sake of your children. In my book, that makes you special. That is a sign of true love when you put yourself behind the well being of another.

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#773152 - 03/29/17 12:09 AM Re: My story [Re: PTMOM]
FrancoStacy Offline
newbie

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
PTMOM - you are a good woman. You take the pain for the sake of your children. In my book, that makes you special. That is a sign of true love when you put yourself behind the well being of another.

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