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#772541 - 09/18/16 11:02 AM no purpose any more
jamesboy Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/18/16
Posts: 3
My heart is still so broken after 18 years married ans about five years post divorcd. I dont even like saying the D word and feel like such a failure. I am so scared and depressed about everything. I had such a happy life and now its just a complete mess with no happiness in sight.
I have not smiled or laughed in five years and feel like their is nothing left for me. My entire purpose and drive was to build a nice home and family. I love her so much and regret many things I did or the way I acted sometimes. She has moved on to her second boyfriend already and I am left in the dust. the loneliness is so hard on me. I go see a therapist once a week but I know its just to talk things thru and sometimes I feel ok when I leave but quickly get into my rut again. I dont know what to do anymore and I feel so helpless.
Are there others who are having the same difficulties

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#772542 - 09/20/16 08:27 PM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
Yasminyross89 Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/20/16
Posts: 1
Hey. I know how you feel my divorce isn't even finalized and I feel like this is the BIGGEST mistake ever in life. I'm sad all the time and can't seem to figure out how to stop crying

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#772543 - 09/22/16 04:58 AM Re: no purpose any more [Re: Yasminyross89]
93Lowrider Offline

recently joined

Registered: 07/09/16
Posts: 9
I've had two marriages fail, the second one just recently.
You just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put one foot after another.
You are the only one that is responsible for your happiness, get out there and start a new life, you can't change the past but you have the power to change your future.

Dwelling on what once was will not help you to recover.

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#772544 - 09/24/16 03:29 PM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
jamesboy Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/18/16
Posts: 3
I am trying but feel so lonely all the time. I am also wearing all the guilt because I know it was mostly me who caused it. I have been crying several times a day for over five years now. I love her so much and miss her all the time,
My son is away at college and I hardly ever see my daughter.
It hurts my heart so much that I dont get to live with with my daughter. I truly have no will to live anymore and everyday is a struggle to get though it, only to try and get some sleep and start over. the weekends are so depressing because there is nothing to do.
I have not used the word home in five years and that alone
is hurtful. I have tried dating, all have been from online dating, but all can see right away that I am not over my old life.I just have no will to live anymore.

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#772545 - 09/30/16 03:24 PM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
AndrewB Offline

recently joined

Registered: 09/30/16
Posts: 1
James, I don't know if this helps or hurts. But I'm going through the exact same thing. I have five kids and the older ones no longer have time for me. My youngest still loves me and wants to be with me, so that keeps me going. Otherwise, I feel that my life is a void. Praying for you.

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#772941 - 01/21/17 01:35 AM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
knoxfamilylaw Offline
newbie

Registered: 12/07/16
Posts: 25
Loc: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
5 years is a long time. I hope you find a way to move on!
_________________________
Accredited Family Law Specialists - http://www.knoxfamilylaw.com.au

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#772965 - 01/30/17 04:06 AM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
rfernand135 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 11/24/16
Posts: 1
Hi James, I feel for you. I was married for 28yrs and she filed for divorce because she doesn't love me anymore. It was finalized in 2014. I have 2 grown kids (20yr daughter who is married and has 1 child, who i adore. 24yr son who is has a girlfriend and has moved out). I've started a class called Divorce Care and it's for 13weeks. Even though I'm only on my 2nd week, it's has helped me alot.

Were in the same boat, my friend. Go to a church and see what they can help with. Praying for you.

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#773140 - 03/28/17 03:24 AM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
FrancoStacy Offline
newbie

Registered: 03/28/17
Posts: 26
Similar story here. I don't know if my story will help but it does help me to tell it. Maybe it helps you to tell yours as well.

My wife and I rarely ever fought. We were intimate often and we were best friends. Her and I was married for 18 years when one day she doesn't come home and tells me she is not happy. I tried my best to hang on. I found out she had a boyfriend that she had just recently met on Facebook. In a few days after she left, I found out she spent all our life savings, racked up credit card bills. The money was gone and people were knocking at our door. We lost our home, I was being sued for lack of payment, my credit was shot and I was clueless. I know that makes me sound like an idiot, but its true.

We had four kids, that is the worst of it all. She didnt walk out on me, she walked out on us all. But I did not give up, in fact, we did not get divorced until another 4 years later, so I was married for 22 years but those last four was hell on me. I forgave her for financially ruining us, but I havent forgiven myself for being so trusting and stupid to not see that and allowing her decisions to put us all in jeopardy.

I overlooked her boyfriend that she was telling him she loved. Her and I was still intimate even though I was aware I was sharing her, she was still my wife so I had no sympathy for him. Her and I went on vacation together but I had to be quiet whenever he called because he thought she was there on business. Then the next boyfriend I was aware of too. Her and I was still intimate and actually happening more often and the physical part was something we still had going for us. We still did stuff with our kids even though they were all living with me. In the end, we got a quiet divorce because she was now engaged to boyfriend 3 and he thought she was divorced already, so I helped her by being quiet and let her go to . It drained alot of life out of me, I really thought I could win her back for me, for the kids and even for her, but I failed and I have to live with that forever.

Ive tried dating, it doesn't work for me. How can I leave my kids behind even for a date because that makes me just like her. My wife left because she said being a mom and wife didn't make her happy anymore. She said she wasn't in love with me anymore. She said she fell out of love with me as fast as she fell in love with me. She said it so easily, like changing underwear from blue to black. She said she wasnt happy...she justifies her divorce in order to make her self happy BUT THE HELL WITH THE REST OF US! That is divorce, a selfish act in most cases. She now claims she is happy. Married a man 24 years younger than me. He has two young boys and she cares for them like she use to our kids.

My life now is like having your favorite food in your mouth and your starving for it, but you cant taste it. I call my life a war zone now, and like a loyal soldier i live to serve my kids. To compensate for a mom that chose another life and changed so much in the process. She became a drinker, she slept around, she lost her Catholic faith. She became a woman I didnt know. Not somebody I would be interested in back then or now.

But the kicker is I still love her, the old her. Our marriage was wonderful. Our family was a 12 on a 10 scale and I still love that. I still fantasize about my x wife and no one attracts me like her.

The worst part is that I see how my kids have changed and how they struggle, she never sees it. She had the best years of my life but sometimes she treats me like I am an idiot, like I am a person that cant be trusted because she is always on the defensive when there is no need to be. She feels the needs to lecture me on stupid stuff and feel like she is in charge. Even though its been me putting the financial pieces back together. Its been me taking care of our 4 kids. Me taking them to practices, taking off work when they are sick, going to parent teacher conferences, coaching them, getting them to mass, birthdays, Easter, Christmas and doing my best to make it the best for them. Its been me that gave them a home while she was running around, getting drunk and sleeping with guys 16 years younger than her.

Whats bad is that I share this with no one that knows me, but...its even harder for me to enjoy my own kids. Because i have no one to share them with. Im lonely, but im a soldier that is loyal to the mission.

I have cried so many times in private. You cant imagine how many times. I carry on, because its my mission. My kids and my faith that gives me purpose. But life is not what it once was. I miss my old life so much. I was not perfect but i did nothing to deserve this and our kids are 100 percent innocent, but we all suffer. ...just so she could be happy.

She left in 2011 and I still think about it every day of my life. Sunday nights and Monday mornings for whatever reason pull on me the most. If my kids not go to school in this town I would move just to escape some of these memories or maybe I should call them ghosts.


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#773276 - 04/25/17 05:47 AM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
Jeff Lawrence Offline
recently joined

Registered: 04/25/17
Posts: 1
Hi James, I understand how it feels. Coping with divorce is a painful situation and 5 years is a very long time. It might be time to accept that you are divorced and start finding your own happiness. Keep yourself busy with activities that calm your mind and give you satisfaction. I hope you may find a way to move on.
_________________________
Jeff helps individuals & small businesses fight back by relying on his unique background & experiences.Jeff represented big corporations on behalf of a large national law firm & he worked on the floor of the Kansas City Board of Trade.

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#773403 - 05/06/17 11:25 PM Re: no purpose any more [Re: jamesboy]
lifewithdivorce Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/17
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
James...

I understand how you feel. I initially went through the same thing, although my depression lasted months, not five years. However it was quite intense. I always believed in staying with the person you married for life. I was quite shocked when she decided to walk out on me. It was surreal at times, and I slept on the couch in a constant state of depression. The running around and cheating she did on me made me also feel like a failure. Depression and loneliness was my name.

I'm curious. Have you tried dating at all since the divorce?

Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves. We get so hung up on the past and we refuse to let go. But the reality is, life brings us uncomfortable change for a reason. We usually can't see it when we're in the thick of it, but a change in perspective can bring a lot of new opportunity and happiness again. When my wife first left, I was completely helpless and lost, but I learned that the choice is ours whether we stay that way. Since she's gone for good, I can guarantee that's there someone out there that's better suited for you. But only you can experience this truth.

One of the best things I did was to jump back into dating game. I had had enough of sleeping on the couch after five months in a state of depression, and I decided one night that that would not be the rest of my life. I did something I NEVER thought I would do, nor did I even FEEL like doing it at the time. But I joined three online dating sites. I knew nothing about the process. A complete newbie. I was nervous, but I soon found out it didn't matter. It gave me something to do, something to keep me on my toes, and it was GOOD for me.

I didn't get any dates for weeks, and at one point I began to believe the attempt was a waste of time and money. But after my first date, it was like an entire new opportunity had opened up and I was able to experience hope again. It was a breath of fresh air - a small one that paled in comparison to my situation, but a small breath of fresh air nonetheless. It's been a year since my wife told me she was out, and I now realize I'm better off.

In that year, I've learned I really am happier without her. You could not have convinced me of that two months after our separation with a million dollars. So again, I understand the loneliness and feelings of failure. But they can be overcome. It's all up to you.
_________________________
Life with Divorce: http://www.lifewithdivorce.com

A personal blog dedicated to sharing my experiences, lessons learned, and advice on navigating through life after separation and divorce.

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