I am truly hoping that someone could read through my lengthy tirade and help me with an advice on where to move forward in this thick swamp of circumstances and relationship and I'd like to thank you in advance.
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and it has always been sharp up and downs, with a long term downward trend. Now I feel like I lost any hope for this relationship, we have not been capable of getting through our conflicts sanely. My husband has always been into blaming me when he is not happy with something, I have always been jumpy-defensive, which immediately triggered him putting me down as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife with unmerciful and, in most cases, unjust critique and insulting name calling, getting back some of it back from me of course. Next we usually move to threats of divorce, cold shoulder and lack of interaction, even about kids. We both adore our kids, he is a very good father. Our life is a lot just work and take care of kids and the house chores, but I feel like during bad times we are hardly keeping it up.
Many times we have tried to establish ground rules. Many times we simply tried to forget and start over, promised to be better just to end up in the same hole after a period of truce, where, I have to be fair, we would somehow manage to rebuild a sort of a friendship and even a bit of love, but not full trust. I know this is a bad, bad relationship. I blame us both. I believe it is enough for only one to have good conflict resolution skills to maintain positive relationship, but none of us is secure enough for that. He is blaming me. Regardless of who's more guilty, this battle seems to be lost.
Right now, as much as I would like to get up and go to build new happiness for our kids with two separate homes, our property and income circumstances are not in favour of it at all and this situation will likely stay for a year or so. I feel trapped like never before in my life.
My husband had been on the job market for over 4 months and, only recently, out of despair, started some unprofessional job with minimal income. I understand it threw him into a bad place of his own, but I made sure I supported him all through and never blamed him. This happening in parallel somehow brought lengthier periods of calm, but the overall pattern of our relationship described above remained the same.
I've proposed a separation under the same roof before, a sort of 50/50, which could be a favorable one for kids anyway as a first step, I also expressed readiness to continue supporting us with my income, but my husband is against it without real explanation. I am sure it is not because he does not want to leave my side, he is just probably afraid of all the challenges and extra efforts entangled. He seems to be ok to live as an unhappy family, he is ok with frozen air between us - no action from him into any direction and no talking about it.
I am also not sure I myself is strong enough to pull this together, I am so saddened and grieving. Living under one roof with him as exes, trying to establish schedules and cohabitation rules, going to my stressful work, living on strict budget - all at the same time feels like too much.
We have no family in any proximity to give one of us a temporary shelter. I considered an option of renting a basement room in our neighborhood, stretching our borrowing banks, for nesting type of arrangement, but since my husband is not even ready to manage split life under one roof, I know, he may not play along with this idea either.
Counselling for couples is not an option really - it is costly and, even if we wanted to invest, my husband is not good enough in English to talk about feelings and relationship and there are no trustworthy specialists speaking our mother-tong.
I can try and forgive him as I did before, even though he won't really admit his faults, can ask for his forgiveness if I hurt his feelings too, and we could somewhat make peace, but I know it is just a matter of time until I am sent down on my knees again.