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#774222 - 01/18/18 07:19 PM How to cope...
Mike11111 Offline
recently joined

Registered: 01/18/18
Posts: 1
Hello all,

I am new to this site and newly divorced, so I figured I would reach out to see if anyone has been in a similar situation and/or can offer some ways to cope.

Just a quick background. My now ex-wife and I started dating about five years ago. At the time, she was towards the end of a 4-5 year abusive relationship, and I was just single and struggling to find someone. Kind of a fairy tale beginning. We began officially dating a few months after her and the ex broke up (this would be March 2013). Great relationship, didn't rush into anything. Got engaged, got an apartment together, got married, etc.

Anyways, about 11 months ago, we got pre-approved to buy a house. Shortly after that, she mentioned she was "unhappy" (and apparently had been for about 5 months at the time) and wanted to do a "trial separation", which kind of blew me away as things seemed to be normal. We had a long talk and decided against it. In June of last year, we purchased a house, things seemed great for a few months and then in August she seemed kind of "down" again. We had a long talk on Labor Day and we, although I was extremely reluctant to do so, agreed to separate. 3 weeks after that (this would be late September), she wants to divorce! She backed down a bit after that, but ultimately filed for divorce in late October. I moved out of the house in early December, divorce was finalized the day after Christmas, and we closed on the house just last Friday (6 days ago). No contact since.

Nothing about this makes sense. I think she has some underlying personal issues but seems like she has been an entirely different person since the separation on Labor Day. And everything just seems to hasty and poorly thought out. I have treated her great since day one and we made a lot of great memories together and everything was falling into place for a future together, and then it just blew up in my face. We both got along great with our in-laws and extended family, had lots of mutual friends, etc. Seems like she gave up an awful lot and did not want to try to reconcile at all.

I had some suspicions of an affair during the fall when we were separated but never mentioned anything. Some of the classic signs were there. Seemed more concerned with her appearance, dressed nicer, who knows where she went at night and on weekends, lots of phone conversations in her car and behind closed doors, etc. And she pretty much had shut me down entirely once we separated.

Sometime in November, a few weeks before I moved out, I was in the bedroom and her phone went off and it was a text message from a guy I had never heard of. I did not read the content of the message, nor did I try to get into her phone, but it seemed a little odd to me. I did not confront her, but told myself to remember that name, as she had been acting peculiar and we were separated and almost divorced at the time.

Flash forward to about two weeks ago, she posted on FB thanking all the people that helped her move into her new apartment and I noticed the same guy's name that I had seen a few months ago. After we closed on the house last Friday, I expressed my concerns and she said there was nothing physical going on during the time we were legally married. She said she "liked him" and that they may eventually date or she may just remain single. To me, it definitely sounds like at best an emotional affair and I am almost certain they are "unofficially" dating now and will be "officially" dating in the next few months.

I am completely devastated as I know this was the girl of my dreams and I know we were meant for each other (I even still feel this way). I don't have any concrete proof, but I would not be surprised if they are dating now or will be soon, and am not naive enough to think there hasn't been any physical contact between them (even though I do believe her that nothing physical happened while we were legally married). I know we are both single now, but if there was an emotional affair going on while we were married, and if that ultimately led to her finalizing the divorce, then I consider that to be cheating. And if that's the case, I never in a million years would have thought she would do that to me, especially given that her ex before me cheated on her.

I'm just having a hard time coping with this and can't wrap my head around any of it. She kind of gave me the runaround and the classic throw away lines (it's not you, it's me. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. You deserve better than me, etc). I am extremely sad and am doing my best to move forward but it's been extremely tough. Like I said, the last time I saw her was 6 days ago and there has been no contact since (with no plans to contact her for a while, if ever). Even though I am very upset with her, I still am madly in love with her, to the point where if she were to message me next week and say she made a huge mistake and wants to reconcile (which would be probably unlikely right now as we live almost 2 hours away from each other), I would probably be receptive.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but just wanted to cover all of my concerns. If anyone has been in a similar situation and has encountered similar behavior, or can even just offer some general advice for the best way to cope with a divorce, that would be great. Everything is still so fresh and raw and I think that's part of why my emotions have been so heightened lately, but any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated!


#774225 - 01/19/18 01:46 AM Re: How to cope... [Re: Mike11111]
MinnesotaMom Offline

old hand

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 830
Exercise, more exercise and hanging with friends or doing activities. Stay away from booze and avoid intimate relationships for a year. By then you will be ready to move on if not sooner. If it takes longer, get a therapist to assist your journey.

#774347 - 02/16/18 10:55 AM Re: How to cope... [Re: Mike11111]
hellodee Offline
recently joined

Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 1
I went through a similar situation and the first few months were very difficult. My advice would be think about what you value in a relationship. If it is monogamy, loyalty and trust, then you deserve to be with someone that values that also.
It's so easy to get so caught up with all the great things about a person, that sometimes it's hard to accept that there is this one big negative trait that may not be changeable.


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