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Ways to Increase Attorney Fees or Ways to end up with Outrageous Attorney Fees
1. BE EMOTIONAL
Try to be as emotional as possible with your attorney. Every time you see or talk to your attorney, let them know what a lousy person your spouse is. Let them know that you do not deserve to be treated this way. Let your attorney know that the other side is the scum of the earth. Demand that your attorney take action against your soon-to-be-ex-spouse to make them be a decent human being. Keep repeating this over, and over, and over – your attorney needs to understand that you are the victim, despite the fact it was you who made the decision to marry this louse. Realize your attorney absolutely loves dealing with pitiful people. Demand your attorney explain to you time, and time, and time again why this is happening to you.
2. CALL YOUR ATTORNEY INCESSANTLY - AND ON EVERYTHING
Every time your attorney sends you something or leaves a message for you, immediately call your attorney and demand to know what this is all about. Every time you have a simple question, call your attorney. Every time you think of your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, or think about your poor pitiful self, call your attorney. Anytime your attorney sends you something, do not read it; instead call your attorney for an explanation. Anytime your attorney asks you to do anything, leaves you a voice mail, or an email requesting you do something, pick up the phone and call your attorney before doing anything. Call your attorney when you are feeling lonely. Call your attorney when you have a dead car battery. Spend as much time as possible talking to your attorney. Realize that your attorney has heard much of this before, probably from you, probably many times before, but still expect your attorney to express great sympathy with you each time you call. Keep your attorney on the phone as long as possible, constantly repeat things, and ask all of the same questions you've asked before. Why consider the rate attorneys charge, they must love to deal with unnecessarily phone calls.
3. DO NOT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.
No matter what you do, don't do anything dramatic like actually following the directions that your attorney gives you. If your attorney asks you to get copies of bank accounts, tax returns, deeds, retirement accounts, etc., don't do it. Instead, wait until it becomes such a crisis that your attorney has to subpoena records from the other side, or from the bank, or delay your case; all at your expense. Sit back and enjoy life.
4. DO NOT READ
Your attorney is probably going to send you lots of papers throughout the divorce. Do not read any of them. Instead, immediately call your attorney. Furthermore, even after your attorney explains it to you on the phone, and advises you to read what they have sent you, don't bother to go back and read the material in detail. If your attorney emails you something and asks you to do three things, read only number one, respond to only number one, and never respond to numbers two or three...
5. DO NOT DO THINGS TIMELY
If your attorney tells you that certain documents, financial information statements, etc. are due by a certain date, don't pay any attention to the time deadline. Instead sit back and enjoy your life. You don't want to have to work too hard through the divorce process, and all of this paperwork just takes a lot of time. Your attorney will eventually figure it out anyway.
6. PLAY "WHAT IF"
Every time you talk to your attorney or meet with your attorney, ask them a whole bunch of esoteric, hypothetical, “what if” questions. I mean, you may actually die this weekend and you need to know the answer to, “what if.” If you're talking about simply dividing property and proceeding to mediation next week, do not focus on the discussion about the mediation process and possible outcomes. Instead ask your attorney what happens if you decide to buy a new car on Monday, or what happens if you're soon-to-be-ex-spouse gets a new dog, etc. Keep your attorney on the phone as long as possible, quizzing them time and time again about very remote, but always possible situations. I mean, man did land on the moon in 1969, and you really do need to know if you can go to the moon next week.
7. IRRITATE YOUR SPOUSE.
Your spouse is your enemy, treat your spouse as your enemy, and always do everything you can to irritate your spouse. Send your soon-to-be-ex-spouse nasty texts, letters, and emails. Put nasty things on social media. Park your car near where they live. If you know they have an important meeting, be sure and send them a threatening text just before it starts. Do not do simple acts of human kindness just because they were your lover and spouse for many years, or even because they happen to be the mother or father of your children. Instead do everything you can to irritate your spouse. It feels so good to irritate that louse of a human being!!!!
8. DON'T PLAN.
Do not plan for the future. Stumble into a divorce, with the idea that your life is not going to change, except that you are you are going to get rid of that horrible spouse, and you are going to live happily ever after without any real changes in your life. Do not stop and think about where you're going to live after divorce. Do not stop and think about the fact that you're not going to be able to afford to drive that luxury car after divorce. Don't think about the fact you will not be having those lovely dinners at the country club, or taking those great family vacations anymore. Don't think about things such as - the car I'm driving actually belongs to my spouse's mother or father. Don't think about things such as health insurance, life insurance, retirement, etc. Life will take care of itself.
9. ALWAYS LISTEN TO FRIENDS.
People you know casually, meet in a bar, work with, or meet on an airplane for that matter, have very, very good advice to give you regarding the divorce, especially if they have been through one themselves. They will always tell you how (1) they screwed the other side, (2) they were a victim, (3) how lousy their attorney was, or (4) how the court screwed them. And of course you always assume that they're telling you all of the facts and your attorney needs to know about this. Be sure to tell your attorney that you need to follow your acquaintance's advice, rather than your attorney's advice. Never mind the fact that your attorney went to school for a several years to obtain a law degree and license to practice law and has years of experience.
10. HAVE FUN.
Don't worry about the messy little details of your divorce like financial information statements, tax returns, bank accounts, retirement documents, future health insurance, etc. Instead remember one of the reasons you're getting divorced is you're tired of dealing with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, and by God you want to have fun. Now that you're separated, don't pay any attention to all that divorce stuff, just sit back and have fun. It is time to live and boogie.
11. EXPECT YOUR ATTORNEY TO DO EVERYTHING
You hired an attorney, expect your attorney to do everything for you. Instead of going by the bank and picking up copies of your own statements, expect your attorney to issue a subpoena to the bank, spend a couple of hours on the phone locating the exact official in the bank that has the records, arranging for a process server to serve the bank, dealing with the bank's attorneys on responding to the subpoena, etc. Instead of providing your attorney with a good overview of the assets and any documents that your attorney requests, tell your attorney to get them from the other side. Your attorney can send the other side interrogatories, requests for production, take their deposition, and learn all of that messy stuff.
12. BE OPPOSITIONAL
Anything your spouse wants, be sure to oppose it. If they want some of the furniture, oppose it; even if you are not going to use it or have always hated it. If they are the one who likes to cook, under no circumstances should you agree to give them any of the cookware. If they are the one who uses the country club, do not agree to let them have the membership; even if you have never been there by yourself. If they need to go to their bosses funeral and ask you to take the kids, absolutely no way. Remember, they are the enemy. If they want it, then it must be bad you for.
13. DO NOT BE REASONABLE
Ask your soon-to-be-ex-spouse for all of the property. Demand that you're ex pay your attorney's fees. Demand that they pay all of the credit card debt you ran up – having a good time while they were working. It does not matter that there is no possible way that your ex could ever do what you are demanding; what is important is that you are demanding it, and therefore it is important. Don't let them see the children on their birthday. Don't forward important mail to them. Don't let them know about the call you got from the internet provider saying that service is going to be cut off – even if you know the internet provider sent the bill to the wrong address or email. I mean you are divorcing them because they were not reasonable, so now it is time to let them suffer.
14. BE RUDE AND NASTY TO ANYONE WHO IS NICE TO YOUR SOON TO BE EX
Your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is a louse, so you need to remember anyone who is a friend of theirs or is nice to them deserves to be treated as harshly as possible. Never return their phone calls. Sneer at them in public. Embarrass them if you can. Tell them horrible things about their friend. Remember your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is the enemy, so their friends must understand they are also your enemy.
15. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE ANY FAULT IN THE BREAK OF THE MARRIAGE.
You do everything right. You have no problems. You do not need to change a thing about yourself. You are smarter than everyone else. You have absolutely no faults. You do not need to engage in any introspection, because you know everyone thinks you are perfect. And you agree with them – you are perfect. It is all your soon-to-be-ex-spouse's fault. They are 100% responsible. They need to own up to the fact they are at fault. Keep a list of all their faults handy – and every chance you get, let everyone know all about their faults. Remember you are like the bank robber – it's the bank's fault that they have money in the bank. And every time you talk to your attorney, tell them again, and again, and again how the divorce is your soon-to-be-ex-spouse's fault.
Texas requires that divorcing spouses try mediation before going to trial. Spouses can request a jury trial, but generally a judge decides the trial rather than a jury. Mediation is an ideal way to prevent the element of surprise that comes with taking a divorce case to trial. Many judges will tell you that a divorce trial has no winners, because the outcome is rarely in favor of just one party.
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