Second Area
Key Points
  • Making a commitment to work toward a fair solution in divorce takes away any threat.
  • Adversaries are opposing forces in divorce and there is only negotiation, not adversary. What you want and might be willing to negotiate with in order to have what you want. Understanding that your spouse has his or her wants as well, and there is a negotiation on their part to help take the fight out of the divorce.
  • There may be a time when you have to take a stand, do so without losing the commitment of working for a fair solution. Don’t let yourself be taken advantage of, but also do not take advantage of your spouse.

The key to resolving issues without conflict is to stop being a threat to the other person. Be committed to finding solutions that are fair and that work for everyone. When someone is committed to everyone’s well-being, the adversarial process stops. How can you fight someone that’s on your side.

As a matter of physics, adversariness requires two opposing forces. When one force is removed, the adverseness disappears. It takes two people to maintain the adversarial process. It only takes one person to end it. As soon as you draw sides against someone, the adversarial process begins. So don’t draw sides. Keep your focus on finding solutions that work for everyone. When you are looking out for the other person, you become far more effective. You can discover the other person’s fears and concerns. You can look beyond what the person is asking and see what the person needs. You can discover solutions.

The real issue behind most child custody cases is the fear of losing the children. When you can insure easy access and broad visitation, the need to fight for custody usually disappears. If the issue is child support or alimony, you can usually find out what the court would award and agree to that. Sometimes a good mediator can be helpful. Whatever the issue, there is a way to resolve it. Sometimes you find the solution fast. Sometimes it takes a little longer. Just don’t quit. Sooner or later the solutions will come.

Now, having it work for everyone also includes you. You don’t have to give up everything in the name of cooperation. You don’t have to roll over and play dead. You don’t have to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Sometimes you have to be careful. Some people are dishonest. Sometimes you need to take a strong stand. Sometimes you need to say, "No". Just don’t lose sight of your commitment. Even if the other person demands everything and refuses to cooperate, don’t draw sides. As difficult as your situation may seem now, it can get a lot worse. Keep looking for ways to resolve the issues. Handle every situation and every interaction out of a commitment to having it work for everyone. In the long run, this will make your life a lot easier.



Useful Online Tools
  • Divorce Online - With this online software you will complete and instantly print your divorce forms and step-by-step filing procedures to file your own divorce in a timely, professional, and hassle free fashion.
  • Online Separation Agreements - When you and your spouse agree about how to resolve your issues, 3StepAgreementTM puts you in charge and gets everything in writing.
  • Divorce Negotiation Online - You will be surprised how easy it is to resolve your disputes through our innovative Divorce Negotiation CenterTM. It's FREE. Give it a try.

Suggested Reading
How to Divorce as Friends (Audio Book)
How to Divorce as Friends. As Featured On Oprah! You can divorce as friends! No matter how painful or destructive your relationship is today, you have the ability to turn your situation around. You can end the conflict and restore the love, one human being to another. Sound impossible? Well itŐs not! It can happen for you.

Author: Bill Ferguson


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