The Friendly Divorce: Start the Healing Process:
(Provided by: How to Divorce As Friends, by Bill Ferguson)
You now have the opportunity to discover and heal the issues that have been sabotaging your life. You can experience a freedom that you haven't had in years. The process isn't difficult, but you need some diligence. To change your life, you need to make a shift on the inside. You need to experience the truth of this in your heart. First, we'll go over the basic steps in the healing process. Then we'll show you how to find your issue and how to heal it.

1. Find the issue that runs your Me.
You create your issue by fighting some aspect of you. The first step in the healing process is to discover what that aspect is. When you discover what your issue is, you won't like it. Just the thought that you may be this way is enough to send cold chills up and down your spine. To discover your issue, find the aspects that you hate the most. Are you worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, a failure or some other characteristic? Find the word or words that create the most discomfort. The more painful the words, the stronger the issue. While you are looking, pay special attention to any aspects that you may be denying. "I know I'm not worthless." "I am definitely not a failure." If you are certain that you are not a particular way, this will be an aspect of you that you are resisting. You wouldn't be defensive unless you had something to be defensive about. To be free of your issue, you may need to see something about yourself that you don't want to see. Keep looking for the word or words that are the most painful.
2. Be willing to experience all the hurt of being this way.
We resist certain aspects of ourselves because we don't want to feel the hurt that these aspects reactivate. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, you no longer need to resist. To the extent you are unwilling to feel your hurt, you will be forced to resist. You won't be able to make peace with these aspects, and you won't be able to heal your hurt. To be willing, all you need to do is make a choice. "Yes, I am willing to feel all my hurt. I'm scared, but I'm willing." Remember, hurt is only a feeling, an emotion. Separate yourself from your circumstances and allow yourself to feel whatever feelings are there. Keep telling yourself, "It's okay. It's okay." The moment you become willing to experience your hurt, you stop resisting your hurt. The aspects you've been fighting then cease to be a threat. You can then make peace with them and let them go.
3. Look at your We and see that you are this way.
To be free of your issue, you need to stop the resisting. To do this, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to make peace with these aspects. You need to accept them and own them. The best way to do this is to look in your life and see that these aspects are there. You are worthless, not good enough, a failure and so on. You are also worthy, good enough, and successful, but you aren't fighting these aspects. Look for the aspects that you've been fighting. Find the evidence to prove that they are there. There will be plenty of proof if you are willing to see. As you let in the fact that you actually are worthless and so on, these aspects lose their power. Only in the denial and resisting can the aspects exist. When you take away the denial and resisting, the aspects disappear. Notice that some of these aspects may already be losing their power. This is because you are beginning to make peace with them.
4. Know that being this way doesn't mean a thing.
As you discover that you are this way, you soon discover that being this way is irrelevant. "I'm a failure. So what? I'm also a success. What does failure have to do with tomorrow? Absolutely nothing. I can still do what works. I can still go for my dreams, and I can still have a great life." You will be free of your issue when you know that the aspects you've been resisting are part of you, and that having them doesn't mean a thing.
Action to Take
  • Make sure you take the time to walk through the healing process.

  • Create within yourself a commitment and a determination to do whatever it takes to discover and heal the hurt that runs your life.

  • Walk through the process on a feeling level rather than a conceptual level. Stay in touch with your hurt and work to release it.

  • Remember that being not okay doesn't mean a thing. You are also okay.
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