The Friendly Divorce: Letting Go:
(Provided by: How to Divorce As Friends, by Bill Ferguson)
The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you see your situation very differently. You become creative and discover solutions you could never have seen before. You become naturally effective.Go to: The Friendly Divorce Informational Section
To let go, you need to be willing for your life to be however it is. You do this by granting permission. "I am willing to lose my job." "I give you full permission to be the way that you are." "I am willing to lose you." You don't have to like your situation, just give it permission to be the way it is and the way it may become. Let go of your demands and expectations for how you believe life should be and make peace with the way your life is. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action is necessary to handle your situation.
Keep in mind that letting go is a state of mind and has nothing to do with your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so you can see what action you need to take. To make the process of letting go a little easier, there are a couple of steps you can take. The first step is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. This doesn't necessarily mean that life will turn out the way you want. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine. When you know that you will be fine, letting go becomes relatively easy. You can then let go, you restore your effectiveness, and life works out great. This then reinforces the trust.
When you don't trust, letting go becomes very difficult. You fight, resist and hang on. You then make everything worse, which reinforces "don't trust." Trust is actually a choice. Trust is something you create. It's a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so." Trust is also telling the truth. You really will be fine no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. Look at your life. Have you ever had a situation that you didn't survive? Of course not. You have survived everything. The times in your life that you considered tough only seemed that way because you were resisting. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
The second step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. Be willing to experience all the hurt and the feelings of being not okay that your circumstances reactivate. The avoidance of this hurt is what makes you resist. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, the need to resist disappears. You can then let go.
ExampleRobert had a fear of losing his wife, Jan. To make sure she didn't leave, he hung on to her. This hanging on then pushed her further and further away.Action to Take
Robert was afraid of losing Jan because if she left him, this would reactivate all his hurt of feeling not worth loving. To avoid this hurt, he hung on.
Once he realized this, and once he became willing to feel his hurt, the loss of Jan ceased to be a threat. He no longer needed to hang on and was able to let her go.
The moment Robert let Jan go, he changed the way he related to her. Instantly, he started appreciating her. Once he knew that she could leave at any time, every second he had with her became a joy.
Instead of needing her, he started treasuring her. Jan then felt so loved and so able to be herself around Robert, she didn't want to go anywhere.
This is what happens in life. The more you are able to let go and flow with life, the more life takes care of itself.
You may not always get what you want but you can always be free inside. You can restore both your peace of mind and your effectiveness.
The key to being able to flow with life is to heal your hurt.
- Recall a time in your life when you let go. Remember how free you felt? Remember what a relief this was? Notice how much more effective you are when you let go.
- Be willing in your heart for anything to happen, but in your actions, do whatever you need to have your life be great.
- Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. When you know that you will be okay, letting go becomes much easier.
- If letting go is difficult, find the hurt and the feelings of not okay that you are avoiding. The avoidance of this hurt is why you resist. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, the need to resist disappears.
- Be willing to have nothing. The more you are willing to have nothing, the more you appreciate everything that you have.
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