Trying to be fair

Posted by: Cnfsdnfrstrtd

Trying to be fair - 05/11/16 10:28 PM

I need unbiased help. Everyone I know wants me to stick it to him, but that's NOT what I want. I want things to be fair and amicable. I want this to have as little effect on our 8 yr old son as possible.

So, my husband told me a week ago that he wants a divorce. Found out he's been cheating on me, or at the very least talking with someone else. He said at the beginning that he wants to remain friends/family, and he wants this to go as smoothly for our son as it can be. I agreed. We agreed to use on attorney because we felt we could work this out ourselves, and be fair.

However, today I asked via text if he had contacted an attorney yet. He responded with, "Why". Said I was just wondering. He said he had. I asked when, and he asked me why I was asking. I said because he never mentioned it to me. He then asked if I was changing my mind, and no longer willing to work with one, to which I replied that was not the case, but that I would like to be informed as to what is going on.
His reply was a screenshot of an email from someone saying they needed a bunch of financial info, and he said, "That's what she wants." I asked how he found her. His response was, "Why are you asking such weird questions. I didn't find her on Craigslist." I said I thought I should be informed because I should know something about this person who holds my future in her hands. I mentioned that if this was the other way around, he'd want to this stuff, and said, "Again, how did you find her?"
His response was, "It's all stuff you and I discuss and agree on. Quit being so paranoid!" I said again, "Put yourself in my shoes. you would want the same." To which he replied, "Omg. She's under F*&^'m being more than fair with you. I can't deal with this right now. I'm at work. This is who I got and who I paid for. I'm not doing anything unfair. In fact you are walking away in a better spot than I. I'm stuck with everything. Quit being paranoid."
I said, "fine. At least give me her name. I'm not paranoid. These are basic questions that I have a right to know." Then he responded, " I just said I can't deal right now. My boss is here."
Posted by: TJMH

Re: Trying to be fair - 05/11/16 10:52 PM

Good for you for trying to work it out amicably and fairly. That can be difficult but in my opinion either side trying to "stick it" to the other person only makes things more unpleasant and expensive.

It sounds like what you're working toward is kind of like mediation, where one person (may or may not be an attorney) works with both of you to come to an agreement and (if an attorney) can write up all the required legal paperwork.

If that's the situation then the attorney your husband found should not be representing either of you individually as legal counsel. You need to find out what arrangement your husband has with this person. If he's engaged her as HIS legal counsel then you need to get your own separate representation.

If not then you need to have equal access to this person--most or all communications should include both of you. That's not paranoia, just basic fairness, same as would be expected in any business dealing. Your husband should understand that but (I don't know how your relationship has been) I could see if he's used to handling things for the family and having you just trust him to do it, it may come as a bit of a wrench to him that now all of a sudden you want visibility and input. But you both need to recognize that divorce changes the relationship and he needs to consider you more as an equal.

Hopefully you can communicate with him at some time when he doesn't have a work conflict and work this out.
Posted by: MinnesotaMom

Re: Trying to be fair - 05/12/16 04:45 PM

The lawyer is representing the husband. They are not allowed to represent both parties or have equal access. However, that doesn't mean he's out to screw her, but would at least need a separate attorney to look over the proposal. There are a few fair people in the world, but sadly, most are not.
Posted by: TJMH

Re: Trying to be fair - 05/12/16 09:27 PM

I thought OP said "We agreed to use on[e] attorney because we felt we could work this out ourselves, and be fair."
Posted by: MinnesotaMom

Re: Trying to be fair - 05/14/16 02:55 PM

It's seems logical for folks in agreement to have one attorney, but they can only represent one of the parties.

The OP might believe the attorney is serving both of them, but he/she can only serve the person that hired them. Again, it doesn't mean the husband has not instructed the attorney to be fair.