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#106496 - 05/06/06 02:40 AM Don't know what to do
justmenow Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Ok I'll try to do a quick run down of my marriage so you can see where I'm coming from and then hopefully give me some advice. My husband and I have two children together. Well actually only one child, my oldest is from a previous relationship. My husband legally adopted him. Anyways, besides the point. My marriage has been going downhill for sometime now. 5 years ago I reconnected with an old boyfriend, we never had sex or anything but he showed me attention that I begged my husband for. He was too worried about "regaining his youth" via hanging out with friends constantly, they were always here everyday for years. His friends would come over even when we weren't here.He'd stay out all night and I wasn't supposed to say anything, and if I did, I was "bitching". Anyways, I talked to him about this and it was like talking to a wall. So when I ran into an old boyfriend, well let's just say that he showed me attention that I wanted from my husband, no sex involved, it was more on an emotional level. Anywho, my husband found out. Well we "worked" things out. Our relationship never got better, only worse. I'm a mother of two boys, a full time college student plus work part time. My husband is a very hard worker and great provider for the family but that's as far as it went. We separated this past December. I continue to live in the home, he pays all the bills plus gives me money to live on for the week. Neither one of us has filed for a separation but he did move out. Well he still comes and goes as he pleases (just like when we were married), we still have sex occasionally, etc. Problem is that everytime we have sex I get sucked back into the relationship but to him it's only sex..no emotions attached. But I'm afraid if I don't have sex with him he's going to find it from someone else and that would literally do me in. Right now I rely on him financially and I guess emotionally too. He told me the other night that he thinks the only way I will be able to get over him is for me to find someone else, because he knows that if he would be the one to start dating first that I would come after him and the "girlfriend" and he's probably right, I will!!! It was almost as if he wants me to start seeing someone so it will give him permission to start seeing someone too. Yes I was the one to ask him to leave because I couldn't stand living like that anymore. I guess I was hoping that it would shock him into seeing that we need to work on the marriage. I went to counseling several times, but he always refused to go. That was just another signal to me. I mean whats the sense in staying in the marriage if only one is willing to work on it. Now that he's moved out, it's killing me. I'm not sure I want it to end, but he says he does. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. Sorry to ramble, but please please please someone give me some advice.

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#106497 - 05/06/06 02:53 AM First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
That's your biggest drawback. You're continuing to rely on him financially, and so you're therefore stuck now with your decision on whether or not to continue having sex with him. You wouldn't have that problem if you'd find a way to have a go of it on your own. Secondly, it seems apparent that you're not getting back together, so file for divorce already and stop dragging it out. The longer it goes, the harder it's just going to make it.
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Char Fox

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#106498 - 05/06/06 04:14 AM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: almostheaven]
spiritedone Offline
member

Registered: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
I agree with almostheaven, stop relying on him financially and definately stop having sex with him. Maybe counseling, for just you, to help you cope with the separation and future divorce would help you to set some priorities/goals and move forward with your life.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.

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#106499 - 05/06/06 09:10 PM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: almostheaven]
justmenow Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Thanks almostheaven. I know that I need to stop relying on him financially. Problem is that I have only 3 semesters to go before I graduate with my bachelor's degree. The deal was that the kids and I continue to live here, while he pays the bills etc..until I graduate get a job and am able to make it on my own.Then the kids and I will move out and then he will move back into the home once the kids and I move out. We had a major fight today. We have 60 acres of land and our yard consists of about an acre of it. I was mowing the grass which takes me hours to do, anyway he shows up and watches me do it instead of helping me. It set me off!!! We had it out! I know I have to move out and I'm gonna have to find a place that I can afford on my own. Like I said I have only 3 semesters to go before I graduate. I'm hoping I can find a place that's suitable for my kids and that I can afford. I will have to rely mainly on my child support to pay my bills. No one can believe that he's doing what he's doing to me. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that he would do this to me.

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#106500 - 05/06/06 11:20 PM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
rocketgirl Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
Well... I'm sure he figures if he is paying YOUR bills, then it is at least YOUR responsibility to care for the acreage that the house you are living in is on. I'd feel the same way.
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Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106501 - 05/07/06 12:54 AM I don't agree with that... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Any man who can stand by and watch as his "still" wife mows that much acreage while leaving her to care for that which is also "his" kids to boot, with the stipulation that he will be moving back in and take permanent possession of that residence, isn't much of a man...IMHO.
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Char Fox

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#106502 - 05/07/06 12:59 AM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
Go to school part time. It will take you longer, but can still be done. Or...go on welfare for those 3 semesters. Screw the naysayers. You're working towards becoming self-sufficient. That's better than 90% of the welfare population who have been on it since the day they were conceived and would never turn a hand to do an honest day's work. Sign up now for HUD assistance and perhaps you can get moved out early and get HUD to help with your rent.

Don't be too angry though. He is doing one thing correctly. That he is paying the bills and still helping out...many people don't do that. They walk away and wash their hands of the whole situation and leave the other stuck with all of it. But he IS still expecting "favors" in return, so his "kindness" comes with a price. You have to decide whether you want to keep paying the price for the next 3 semesters, or buckle down and hold your hand out to the state, or slow your education enough to do it on your own the hard way. Decide which is more important to you then choose.
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Char Fox

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#106503 - 05/07/06 03:19 AM Re: I don't agree with that... [Re: almostheaven]
rocketgirl Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
I didn't say he was much of a man... just that HE is paying for two households.. .and she is biotching because she has to mow?
_________________________
Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106504 - 05/07/06 12:36 PM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
Renee Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 4022
Loc: The Palmetto State
"I will have to rely mainly on my child support to pay my bills."

Oh boy.... you could be setting yourself up for a train wreck with this. Do NOT rely on CS for anything. If your ex, who has already demonstrated his selfishness, decides to get a bug up his butt about something and not pay cs, you're screwed. If you rely on cs and he pays late even, you're going to have problems. And no, there is no quick and easy way to get him to pay up if he falls behind. This board is littered with horror stories of custodial parents who've not received cs and the courts slap the payor's hands time after time after time. Do a search on katiefedup and her story alone should convince you that cs will be a gift, but not something you base your financial stability on.

Almostheaven laid it out pretty logically - get a parttime job or go on assistance if you need to. You need to make yourself as self reliant as possible because that is the only way you're going to have control over your own fate and that of your childrens. If your stbx is coming and going as he pleases, getting sex, and then leaving to enjoy the perks of being single.... he knows he's getting a hell of a deal right now. And he knows he's using you to get it. As long as you keep allowing him to do this, you give him control over your life. Is he worthy of it?

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#106505 - 05/07/06 01:15 PM Re: I don't agree with that... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I think she had a problem with him standing there and just "watching" her mow and not offering to help. It would lead me to believe that he's also quite rude and uncivilized.
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Char Fox

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