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#106526 - 05/08/06 02:24 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I don't think the husband seeking sex is any better or worse than the wife agreeing to sex for no other reason than to assure that her bills get paid. The entire situation stinks, and both of them are using each other for their "needs." Yes, a court will order *some* support. The court won't require him to pay all of the household expenses, however, and then give her an "allowance" in addition to household expenses....unless he makes a LOT of money.....which doesn't sound likely, since his living with his parents in the interim.

A babysitter, be they a grandparent or anyone else, isn't comparable to a parent. I don't expect the same level of work from a sitter as I expect from myself, when it comes to caring for my house or my children. Washing dishes, possibly a two-person job, is not the same as mowing the lawn.....a one-person job.

Would I show up at my ex's and not offer to mow the yard? Ummmm....yes, ESPECIALLY if I were the person footing his bills. I find it hard to believe that you would offer to mow your daughter's father's lawn.

Would my husband offer to help ME? Yes, he would.....but we share the workload because we share a home.

Not to mention that if I asked my husband to move out, I would *expect* to carry the workload.

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#106527 - 05/08/06 02:54 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
justmenow Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Well Rebecca, I'm very glad that your husband sounds like a good man. You see, you and your husband share the workload, we didn't even when we were together. I did the repairs to the home, mind you they weren't done the best because I really didn't know what I was doing but at least I tried. He never did any of it, well I'm lying, he did in the beginnig but it didn't last long. As far as the "sex" thing goes, well I stood up for myself tonight. He came up and was hinting around to it. I flatly told him NO WAY. That I was tired of getting used. For me there is emotions involved and for him there isn't. I'm not setting myself up for that again. He has mentally abused me for years. I broke my arm in three places one time and had a full cast on for three months. The cast went from my shoulder to my hand, obviously I couldnt' do housework as well as I could have before, well he called me a "f'ing lazy [b**tch]". He shattered his heel. I took care of him, which included bed baths, etc...Then this past July my brother died tragically, he was only 36. The day after I buried him I was a blubbering mess, he told me I needed to get over it! I have supported him in business deals that didn't work out, we lost a ton of money out of our savings on that, BUT I supported him. He has never supported me emotionally through school, my broken arm, or the loss of my beloved brother. Yes, he is supporting me financially. I guess I should say, it's not me he's supporting, but he's supporting the kids' expenses. It takes money to run them to games and practices, it takes money to feed them and get them the things they need. Believe me, I would rather live without his money, and once I get my degree I won't have to depend on him anymore. We had another discussion tonight about him giving me money to live on and to take care of the kids with. He doesnt' seemed fazed by it, but to me it's a big deal. I realize that there is two sides to every story. I never,ever claimed to be perfect. Actually I'm far from it. As I said in one of my previous posts, "it takes two to make a marriage and two to demolish it". I did my fair share of mistakes, but I feel the difference between him and I are that I own up to my mistakes, admit that I've done wrong, confessed it and have never tried denying it. He doens't seem to want to do the same, which is his perogative. If I know him, reality will slap him in the face once me and the kids move out. Know the old saying, "don't know what you've got till it's gone" well that will be him. I've tried to make him see this, and I've told him that once the boys and I have moved out, there's no turning back. As stupid as it sounds, I DO LOVE HIM. I either love him or he's a habit that's hard to break. Things were so good in the beginning, he was what I had always dreamed of, just a "good man". I just feel that alot of outside experiences (his friends) play a huge role in this. He had the nerve to tell me that he hasn't raced in a while because of me. He races dirtbikes, anyways I told him that he didnt' race like he used to because we have a family now and priorities change when there is children involved. I mean does he expect to still do the same things he did when he was single with no kids?

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#106528 - 05/08/06 08:08 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>I don't think the husband seeking sex is any better or worse than the wife agreeing to sex for no other reason than to assure that her bills get paid.<<<<<

Yup, both are bad, which is why I said the sex part would make me feel like a prostitute.

>>>>>A babysitter, be they a grandparent or anyone else, isn't comparable to a parent. I don't expect the same level of work from a sitter as I expect from myself, when it comes to caring for my house or my children. Washing dishes, possibly a two-person job, is not the same as mowing the lawn.....a one-person job.<<<<<

I've seen many people share in lawn mowing. And whether they be a sitter or a parent, this guy IS a parent as well. He should have either offered to help or left. You simply do NOT stand and watch someone else laboring just to get a kick out of watching. I'm sorry. On that I will never agree. That isn't right to do whether male or female in any type of situation. If you're a supervisor paid to supervise, that is one thing. If you're just watching for the thrill of it, that's another. But add to that watching when YOU are benefitting, even in some small measure from it, just for the thrill of watching...that's just downright rude and uncivilized.

>>>>>Would I show up at my ex's and not offer to mow the yard? Ummmm....yes, ESPECIALLY if I were the person footing his bills. I find it hard to believe that you would offer to mow your daughter's father's lawn.<<<<<

If he were actually spending time watching his daughter and I had nothing else to do but stand there and wait on him to finish, and ESPECIALLY if the lawn he was mowing was going to revert to me, you better believe I'd offer to help. That or I'd walk in and see if dishes needed done or something. To me, it's no different than when I was visiting my parents the other day. Dad and I went to lunch and were waiting on my mom to get home. Dad was holding the baby and watching TV and I was gathering up the diaper bag and taking stuff to the car. I noticed a sink full of dishes and stopped to do them. I didn't owe them that. In fact, we were using MY gas that day to run my dad around while my mom had their car. So it was kinda like paying him that day. But he has bad knees and my mom was working and the kitchen was just a mess. I did the dishes and ran a mop over the floor because I just couldn't stand seeing it and knew I could do it much easier than they could. Humans often do that. We empathize with people and offer to help out. Most of us anyway.
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Char Fox

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#106529 - 05/08/06 08:27 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I didn't get that he was watching "for the thrill of it," I got that he was just standing there, and she got pissed because he didn't *offer* to help. In light of her subsequent post, I'm not sure why she expected anything more than that.

If someone cheated on me, then asked me to leave my home, and they were still living there, rent-free, I'd expect them to at least keep the house up. I would not think it's my responsibility to pay all of their bills, AND do the work.

Again, the comparison between one's parents and their ex isn't in the same ballpark. Of course I would offer to do more for my parents or grandparents. My ex? Nope.

IF my ex had the kids (har har), and was struggling to finish mowing the yard that he let grow knee-high, I would offer to take the kids for a while. The kids would be my responsibility...the knee-high grass, not so much.

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#106530 - 05/08/06 09:49 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I'm not getting where she "cheated" on him. It's no different than the other discussion either on this board or CS, where the husband had an "emotional affair" so-to-speak. There was really no "cheating" in either case. I don't agree with it when you do that knowing your spouse won't approve, but I also don't call it cheating in that sense. But his response to her when she brought up his standing there is what leads me to feel he was just getting a thrill out of watching.

But ok...you said "I would offer to take the kids for awhile". He didn't even offer that. He offered nothing but to stand and get his jollies watching her work AND leaving her to watch the kids before and after. He SHOULD have offered at least that much...to watch the kids. But he didn't.
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Char Fox

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#106531 - 05/08/06 09:54 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
Sorry, but if my ex let his grass get knee-high, I'd have probably thought it was pretty funny.

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#106532 - 05/09/06 01:32 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
If he were working, attending school, AND taking full-time care of MY kids...I wouldn't. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
_________________________
Char Fox

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#106533 - 05/09/06 02:29 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I guess maybe because I do all of those things, I don't see them as a viable excuse.

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#106534 - 05/09/06 02:31 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
Miranda Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
Quote:
Sorry, but if my ex let his grass get knee-high, I'd have probably thought it was pretty funny.



LOL...
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!

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#106535 - 05/09/06 03:04 AM ??? [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
For not letting a little house/yardwork go? Heck, I do it all the time. I figure there is a scale for things. And letting the grass grow high is lower on the scale than getting the kids fed or getting my homework done when in school...or getting sleep so I can get to work. I guess if there is enough money though, I'd pay one of the kids, or a neighbor if the kids are too young, to mow it for me.
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Char Fox

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