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#106496 - 05/06/06 02:40 AM Don't know what to do
justmenow Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Ok I'll try to do a quick run down of my marriage so you can see where I'm coming from and then hopefully give me some advice. My husband and I have two children together. Well actually only one child, my oldest is from a previous relationship. My husband legally adopted him. Anyways, besides the point. My marriage has been going downhill for sometime now. 5 years ago I reconnected with an old boyfriend, we never had sex or anything but he showed me attention that I begged my husband for. He was too worried about "regaining his youth" via hanging out with friends constantly, they were always here everyday for years. His friends would come over even when we weren't here.He'd stay out all night and I wasn't supposed to say anything, and if I did, I was "bitching". Anyways, I talked to him about this and it was like talking to a wall. So when I ran into an old boyfriend, well let's just say that he showed me attention that I wanted from my husband, no sex involved, it was more on an emotional level. Anywho, my husband found out. Well we "worked" things out. Our relationship never got better, only worse. I'm a mother of two boys, a full time college student plus work part time. My husband is a very hard worker and great provider for the family but that's as far as it went. We separated this past December. I continue to live in the home, he pays all the bills plus gives me money to live on for the week. Neither one of us has filed for a separation but he did move out. Well he still comes and goes as he pleases (just like when we were married), we still have sex occasionally, etc. Problem is that everytime we have sex I get sucked back into the relationship but to him it's only sex..no emotions attached. But I'm afraid if I don't have sex with him he's going to find it from someone else and that would literally do me in. Right now I rely on him financially and I guess emotionally too. He told me the other night that he thinks the only way I will be able to get over him is for me to find someone else, because he knows that if he would be the one to start dating first that I would come after him and the "girlfriend" and he's probably right, I will!!! It was almost as if he wants me to start seeing someone so it will give him permission to start seeing someone too. Yes I was the one to ask him to leave because I couldn't stand living like that anymore. I guess I was hoping that it would shock him into seeing that we need to work on the marriage. I went to counseling several times, but he always refused to go. That was just another signal to me. I mean whats the sense in staying in the marriage if only one is willing to work on it. Now that he's moved out, it's killing me. I'm not sure I want it to end, but he says he does. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. Sorry to ramble, but please please please someone give me some advice.

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#106497 - 05/06/06 02:53 AM First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
almostheaven Offline
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Loc: West Virginia
That's your biggest drawback. You're continuing to rely on him financially, and so you're therefore stuck now with your decision on whether or not to continue having sex with him. You wouldn't have that problem if you'd find a way to have a go of it on your own. Secondly, it seems apparent that you're not getting back together, so file for divorce already and stop dragging it out. The longer it goes, the harder it's just going to make it.
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#106498 - 05/06/06 04:14 AM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: almostheaven]
spiritedone Offline
member

Registered: 12/14/05
Posts: 155
I agree with almostheaven, stop relying on him financially and definately stop having sex with him. Maybe counseling, for just you, to help you cope with the separation and future divorce would help you to set some priorities/goals and move forward with your life.
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live today like it's your last, for tomorrow may not come.

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#106499 - 05/06/06 09:10 PM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: almostheaven]
justmenow Offline
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Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Thanks almostheaven. I know that I need to stop relying on him financially. Problem is that I have only 3 semesters to go before I graduate with my bachelor's degree. The deal was that the kids and I continue to live here, while he pays the bills etc..until I graduate get a job and am able to make it on my own.Then the kids and I will move out and then he will move back into the home once the kids and I move out. We had a major fight today. We have 60 acres of land and our yard consists of about an acre of it. I was mowing the grass which takes me hours to do, anyway he shows up and watches me do it instead of helping me. It set me off!!! We had it out! I know I have to move out and I'm gonna have to find a place that I can afford on my own. Like I said I have only 3 semesters to go before I graduate. I'm hoping I can find a place that's suitable for my kids and that I can afford. I will have to rely mainly on my child support to pay my bills. No one can believe that he's doing what he's doing to me. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that he would do this to me.

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#106500 - 05/06/06 11:20 PM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
rocketgirl Offline
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Well... I'm sure he figures if he is paying YOUR bills, then it is at least YOUR responsibility to care for the acreage that the house you are living in is on. I'd feel the same way.
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Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106501 - 05/07/06 12:54 AM I don't agree with that... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
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Loc: West Virginia
Any man who can stand by and watch as his "still" wife mows that much acreage while leaving her to care for that which is also "his" kids to boot, with the stipulation that he will be moving back in and take permanent possession of that residence, isn't much of a man...IMHO.
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#106502 - 05/07/06 12:59 AM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
almostheaven Offline
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Go to school part time. It will take you longer, but can still be done. Or...go on welfare for those 3 semesters. Screw the naysayers. You're working towards becoming self-sufficient. That's better than 90% of the welfare population who have been on it since the day they were conceived and would never turn a hand to do an honest day's work. Sign up now for HUD assistance and perhaps you can get moved out early and get HUD to help with your rent.

Don't be too angry though. He is doing one thing correctly. That he is paying the bills and still helping out...many people don't do that. They walk away and wash their hands of the whole situation and leave the other stuck with all of it. But he IS still expecting "favors" in return, so his "kindness" comes with a price. You have to decide whether you want to keep paying the price for the next 3 semesters, or buckle down and hold your hand out to the state, or slow your education enough to do it on your own the hard way. Decide which is more important to you then choose.
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#106503 - 05/07/06 03:19 AM Re: I don't agree with that... [Re: almostheaven]
rocketgirl Offline
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I didn't say he was much of a man... just that HE is paying for two households.. .and she is biotching because she has to mow?
_________________________
Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106504 - 05/07/06 12:36 PM Re: First off, stop relying on him... [Re: justmenow]
Renee Offline
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"I will have to rely mainly on my child support to pay my bills."

Oh boy.... you could be setting yourself up for a train wreck with this. Do NOT rely on CS for anything. If your ex, who has already demonstrated his selfishness, decides to get a bug up his butt about something and not pay cs, you're screwed. If you rely on cs and he pays late even, you're going to have problems. And no, there is no quick and easy way to get him to pay up if he falls behind. This board is littered with horror stories of custodial parents who've not received cs and the courts slap the payor's hands time after time after time. Do a search on katiefedup and her story alone should convince you that cs will be a gift, but not something you base your financial stability on.

Almostheaven laid it out pretty logically - get a parttime job or go on assistance if you need to. You need to make yourself as self reliant as possible because that is the only way you're going to have control over your own fate and that of your childrens. If your stbx is coming and going as he pleases, getting sex, and then leaving to enjoy the perks of being single.... he knows he's getting a hell of a deal right now. And he knows he's using you to get it. As long as you keep allowing him to do this, you give him control over your life. Is he worthy of it?

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#106505 - 05/07/06 01:15 PM Re: I don't agree with that... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
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Loc: West Virginia
I think she had a problem with him standing there and just "watching" her mow and not offering to help. It would lead me to believe that he's also quite rude and uncivilized.
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#106506 - 05/07/06 01:33 PM Re: I don't agree with that... [Re: almostheaven]
rocketgirl Offline
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Registered: 06/24/04
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Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
Okay, let’s look at this again:

1.She went outside of the marriage (failing, I’ll give you that) and had an emotional affair. Most of the time this is as devastating to the other partner as a physical affair.
2.They “worked it out” but it never got better. To me, they worked nothing out. Just band-aided it for a while
3.She indicates that she does work part time, but still accepts money from him to live on every week.
4.He had to move out (I would have never done this if *I* were the one paying all the bills, but whatever)
5.They still have a sexual relationship. She’s afraid if she doesn’t put out he’ll find it elsewhere. Her money train ends at that point, so she gives it to him. What does that make her? A paid sexual companion.
6.It’s killing her that’s he’s moved out? She asked him to leave… but please, oh please pay my bills!
7. If she doesn't want to do yard work, then maybe she should hire someone to do it and let stbx pay for that also. I feel it is the least she can do as she is living there free.

I worked full time, went to school part time and I am raising my two boys with minimal support from my ex. She has 3 months of school left, then she has to find a job in an economy that is not that great right now. What is her major? Is it something that she can actually make a living on? I’m sure if she can’t, then she will continue to rely on him and his CS to pay her bills. And I know how everyone on here feels about a CP doing that, right? What makes her so different than anyone else on here who has a CP who does the same thing?
_________________________
Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106507 - 05/07/06 01:42 PM You're forgetting... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
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Registered: 07/14/04
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They have "kids" together. When she says "paying my bills" how many of those are including the kids' portions that many CP just assume to be "their" bills? She IS working, albeit not full-time, but heck, I could work part-time and pay my OWN bills. She cannot make enough to ensure the kids have a "decent" place to live, is how she put it. So that tells me that she can make enough to survive, just doesn't want the kids to live in squallor just to be shed of her S2BX..and since he's helping with the bills, he probably feels the same at that point. He's at least being a good dad, but to the point that he requires sexual favors...that's where he falls short and his "giving" becomes tainted.

You don't even know anything about the dynamics of the marriage. Did she work while HE went to school and paid HIS bills? Has she been working to keep his home clean and his kids taken care of while he pursued a career and she's now pursuing hers?

She doesn't sound like she wants to rely on him any longer than is necessary, so I doubt her major is something that is useless. It wouldn't make sense in light of what she's said.

And no one has congratulated her on having him help her with bills or told her that's the way to go. But when someone stands by and just WATCHES another person take care of property that is going to be theirs while they know they are also responsible for taking care of the kids that ARE theirs, and doesn't even offer to assist them...that's one mighty piss poor individual.
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#106508 - 05/07/06 02:32 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
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Registered: 06/03/05
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I completely disagree. Were I in his shoes, I would have done the exact same thing. She's living in the house, payment-free...she can mow the damn lawn. An acre isn't that much to mow. Even with a push mower, it shouldn't be taking more than a couple of hours. He's supposed to support her in every way? Pay all of her bills AND do the yardwork? What, exactly, is SHE supposed to be doing? If she wanted a man around to do yardwork, she shouldn't have checked out of her marriage.

I also didn't read that he "required" sexual favors...just that SHE feels as though if she doesn't put-out, her gravy train will end.

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#106509 - 05/07/06 04:24 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
rocketgirl Offline
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Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
AH, you don't know the dynamics of the marriage either. How can you sit there and say that he is a piss poor individual? Two different opinions.. we are each entitled to them. I can see where's HE is coming from... and you can see where SHE is coming from.
_________________________
Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106510 - 05/07/06 06:47 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
justmenow Offline
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Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Thanks AlmostHeaven for standing up to me. Well let me set the record straight. First of all the marriage had been going downhill for years. I begged and pleaded with him to work on the marriage and he refused. I, myself went to counseling to try and save it, but then again it takes two to make it work and it takes two to demolish it. It was constant fights, everyday, because he would go out all night with his friends and when he came home if I said anything about it, I was bitching. I don't want to raise my kids in an environment like that and I surely don't want my boys to think this is how a marriage is supposed to be or how a man treats a woman. As far as me "living" in the home. Well when we separated, I said to him that me and the boys would move out. He declined. He told me that we could stay here until I graduate and get a job. He offered to continue to pay the bills etc...Then once I get a job we would then move out and he would move back into the home. I offered and he declined,...THAT WAS HIS DECISION.As far as him supporting two households...HA! He is living with mommy and daddy rent free. Yesterday when I was mowing the grass which was almost to my knees, he stood there and watched me. My opinion is that his kids are still living here. I live in Western Maryland where there is alot of snakes. Almost Heaven I see your from WVa and you will understand, when there is tall grass or weeds--there is snakes. So when he stood there watching me it pissed me off. I asked him what kind of man would sit and watch me do that, what kind of man would let me do all the repairs on the home, (he did this even when we were together, he made no repairs to the home or our marriage) etc...he raised his hand and said, "I would". I walked away to avoid an arguement, so he follows me into the house and continues to run his mouth to me. He never put anytime or effort into our marriage. We have a roof leak, and it's been that way for two years. Mind you we just split almost 6 months ago. Well this roof leak has progressively gotten worse over a course of two years now. It is in our youngest son's bedroom closet (where the breaker box is) and into the kids' bathroom. He has yet to do anything about it. I told him I was going to hire someone to come in and fix it and he said if I did, he would run them off. He didn't care. One thing I can say about him is that he will without a doubt pay his child support. There is no question in my mind. He lives with his parents who conveniently live next door. He comes in this house when he wants and he leaves when he wants and makes it well known that there's nothing I can do about it. He's very arrogant. When I decided that I was going back to school, I discussed this with him and he was all for it. BUT when it came down to helping me with the kids, housework etc...so I could do my homework, he wanted no part of it. So I continued to do it all, which means that in between work, school, the boys' homework, their ball practices and games, meals, housework, etc.. it is 11 or 12 at night before I even sit down to do my own homework. Which means I go on about 3 to 4 hours sleep a night. I'm sure he gets his 8 hours though and if he doesn't it's because he's out partying with his buddies. I have never been on welfare, and hope and pray I don't have to do it. For me to quit school right now would be stupid. I can get no financial aid whatsoever!! My husband made too much money for me to get help, so that means if I quit school I have to start paying back my student loans, which I obviously can't afford. My degree is in Social Work (how ironic), I only have 3 more semesters,not months to go. At this point in time I cannot move out because he can then get me for desertion, since we are not legally separated yet. I cannot afford to hire an attorney to file the separation papers, he can, but he hasn't done it yet.

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#106511 - 05/07/06 07:36 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: rocketgirl]
catrmm Offline
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Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 850
How did this turn into a taking sides, hubby or wife thing? This is a couple with major problems who look like they're heading for a divorce that could go smoothly or with considerable squabbling.

Let's look at your recap.

1.She went outside of the marriage (failing, I’ll give you that) and had an emotional affair. Most of the time this is as devastating to the other partner as a physical affair.

This is something she can never undo and recovery is tough. To get past it takes many things. It takes an honest examination by both of the events leading up to it, a reevaluation of the meaning of the marriage, a rebuilding of trust lost, and an honest examination by both of subsequent actions.

2.They “worked it out” but it never got better. To me, they worked nothing out. Just band-aided it for a while

Perhaps "trying to work it out" would be a better phrase.

3.She indicates that she does work part time, but still accepts money from him to live on every week.

Of course she does. They still have a marriage, children to support, and a marital asset (the house) to maintain. They both contribute.

4.He had to move out (I would have never done this if *I* were the one paying all the bills, but whatever)

He didn't HAVE to move out. He made the decision to move out. Also, based on things the OP said, he hasn't really fully moved out! Although most nights he doesn't stay there, he's occasionally there, walks in and out as he pleases, and hasn't made the emotional break.

5.They still have a sexual relationship. She’s afraid if she doesn’t put out he’ll find it elsewhere. Her money train ends at that point, so she gives it to him. What does that make her? A paid sexual companion.

They're still married and she's still trying to work on the marital problems. Also, her "money train" does not end at that point. Money for the support of the children will continue. She may also get a contribution towards their joint asset, the maintenance of their mutual interest in the house.

6.It’s killing her that’s he’s moved out? She asked him to leave… but please, oh please pay my bills!

I wish she hadn't said "her" bills. These are joint bills and a contribution to the joint bills is not unreasonable.

7. If she doesn't want to do yard work, then maybe she should hire someone to do it and let stbx pay for that also. I feel it is the least she can do as she is living there free.

You'd APPROVE of her hiring someone and sending him the bill? Mowing the grass of their joint asset is just another cost of home ownership that could be paid by either by paying someone or doing it themselves. She's not living there free. However, it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to help out with this chore. It's also not unreasonable that she do it all. The fight that happened at the time involved far more than the mowing chore!

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#106512 - 05/07/06 08:22 PM Re: [Re: catrmm]
Miranda Offline
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Maybe she should not have waited until the grass was knee high before attempting to mow it-that would have at least solved the grass argument.

How is living with "mommy and daddy rent free" supposed to be worse than living off of your STBX husband rent free?


Edited by Miranda (05/07/06 08:30 PM)
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#106513 - 05/07/06 08:33 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Miranda]
catrmm Offline
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Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 850
Perhaps she was busy with work, school, the boys' homework, their ball practices and games, meals, housework, and her own homework. Grass grows terribly quickly this time of year!

You're doing that take sides thing too. I didn't mention a comparison of "living with "mommy and daddy rent free" " with "living off of your STBX husband rent free".

Hopefully neither are living "rent free". As a married couple their housing costs have increased with his moving out. Hopefully he contributes towards his cost with his parents even if he's not paying "rent" since his living there will cost them just as he and the OP are both contributing to the housing costs in money and/or deeds of the house where OP lives with the children. There's no "worse" involved.

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#106514 - 05/07/06 08:40 PM Re: [Re: catrmm]
Miranda Offline
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And I guess you ARE NOT doing "the sides thing". Oh okay...
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!

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#106515 - 05/07/06 08:41 PM Re: [Re: Miranda]
Miranda Offline
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Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
There are plenty of us who manage to do all the household chores, all the childrearing, and work too without having to rely on a man to mow the yard.
_________________________
13.1...because I am only half crazy!

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#106516 - 05/07/06 08:56 PM Re: [Re: Miranda]
catrmm Offline
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Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 850
Whose side do you see me on?

Those on "his side" would see me on hers. Those on "her side" would see me on his.

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#106517 - 05/07/06 09:04 PM Re: [Re: Miranda]
catrmm Offline
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Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 850
"There are plenty of us who manage to do all the household chores, all the childrearing, and work too without having to rely on a man to mow the yard."

Don't forget school and homework too! I think the OP manages to do all that too. Most of us have put our time in having to spread ourselves extremely thin from time to time but most of us would admit that it's not easy! I don't remember her saying that she was relying on him to do it! However, from time to time it sure is nice to get a little bit of help or at least understanding. Remember that I said the mowing argument involved, IMO, far more than who should be mowing the yard! Mowing the yard is one of the ways she contributes to the financial cost of the home.

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#106518 - 05/07/06 10:34 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: catrmm]
rocketgirl Offline
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Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
**Quote**Perhaps she was busy with work, school, the boys' homework, their ball practices and games, meals, housework, and her own homework. Grass grows terribly quickly this time of year! **Quote**

Welcome to single parenthood.. I deal with this on a daily basis. The only difference is I have to work 40 hours a week to pay MY expenses.
_________________________
Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106519 - 05/07/06 10:44 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: justmenow]
rocketgirl Offline
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Registered: 06/24/04
Posts: 8562
Loc: On the beach in 14 years...
**Quote**I'm not sure I want it to end, but he says he does. I'm so confused I don't know what to do**Quote**

If you read what you posted above, you most certainly should not be confused as to whether or not to end your marriage. Or are you confused as to just wait until you are done with school so he will continue to pay the bills? You WILL be able to get financial aid if you are a single parent, head of household. I do it every semester. You might have to take out student loans and you might have to go on assistance until you get on your feet. That is what it is there for. I guarantee you, if it were me, I'd rather starve than have sex with someone just so they would pay the bills. If you get a temporary order, then he WILL have to provide for the kids. He just won't have to provide for you unless you are awarded temporary support.
_________________________
Lisa Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell, and them looking forward to the trip.

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#106520 - 05/07/06 11:18 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: rocketgirl]
catrmm Offline
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Registered: 08/07/05
Posts: 850
As did I! However, there were times that the grass didn't get cut as quickly as it should, there were times that the house wasn't as clean as it should have been, and there were times when I was just too tired to be as vivacious a mom my children deserved. On top of that, those years of trying to do everything as a single parent with no support system helping me out took their toll on my health as well.

Yes, we can manage as single parents. However, it can be a struggle. Not all of us are super-parent no matter how much we'd like to be. Some parents choose to be single parents and have the resources to manage. Some have it thrust upon them and may not have those resources.

Some things that could be missing that makes it tougher are a support system (family/friends), sufficient education for that 40 hour a week job, health, youth, security, an ex who fails to take on any of the parenting, financial resources and so forth. Missing any of the above makes it tough; manageable (hopefully) but tough.

So, it's ok to have too much to do and the grass gets a bit too high. It's ok to want to finish school to get a degree and a better job. It's ok to be uncertain of the future. It's ok to be confused and say "my" bills when you mean the kids' expenses. It's ok to be a little hesitant to make the step into single parenthood. It's ok to not know what to do and to get upset at your spouse.

Both of them are trying to find their way through this difficult time. I hope they can figure something out without resorting to hating each other. It may be staying together. It might mean divorce. Let's hope they find something that works for them both.

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#106521 - 05/08/06 01:30 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
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Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
They've been apart quite some time for him to still be coming back seeking sex...whether or not he'd end the support...WHICH BTW, the court would ORDER if he didn't do it voluntarily. It's good that he doesn't need to be ordered, but seeking sex, whether that hinges on it or not, after separated and intending to go their own way...something's wrong with that.

You would have showed up then stood and watched and not offered help? Somehow I don't take you as that type of person. IE: You go to dinner at your mom's house. Do you let her do her own dishes in her own house, that you will never own, or offer to help since you are there and see her working? Add to that, you left the kids with her to watch while you went out on a date or whatever, then stop back by to pick them up. She's doing the dishes that your kids dirtied up. You paid her for sitting. But now...do you stand there and lean against the counter and watch while she does the dishes or grab a dish towel and start drying?
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Char Fox

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#106522 - 05/08/06 01:34 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
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Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>I guarantee you, if it were me, I'd rather starve than have sex with someone just so they would pay the bills.<<<<<

That one I agree with. If the kids ever got wind of what's going on, how do you think that would make you look to them? It's too much like prostitution for my taste.
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Char Fox

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#106523 - 05/08/06 01:36 AM Read my response to Rebecca... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
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Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I know the dynamics of what happened. He stood there and watched and didn't offer help. Now I read that it's even deeper than that. But based on him just standing there and watching, it's like the dishes scenario I laid out in my response to Rebecca. I'd say the same thing about someone who fit that scenario and stood by and leaned on the counter while watching their mother do the dishes their kids dirtied to...even if they too paid. You just don't stand there, unless you're disabled, and watch someone labor at a task without offering assistance...ESPECIALLY when that task benefits YOUR kids.
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Char Fox

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#106524 - 05/08/06 01:40 AM Ummmm.... [Re: rocketgirl]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
She's not a "single" parent. Even if they WERE divorced, the kids have TWO parents still. That's the problem with divorce and why the courts feel CP/NCP is a necessary split. Some people tend to think if they no longer live daily with the kids they stop being a parent and therefore they stop acting like one.
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Char Fox

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#106525 - 05/08/06 01:41 AM Yup... [Re: Miranda]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
However, how many of us do it while allowing the man to lean up against the fence chewing his cud and just watching us labor in his yard for his kids? I'd have told him to either get to helping or get to stepping.
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Char Fox

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#106526 - 05/08/06 02:24 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I don't think the husband seeking sex is any better or worse than the wife agreeing to sex for no other reason than to assure that her bills get paid. The entire situation stinks, and both of them are using each other for their "needs." Yes, a court will order *some* support. The court won't require him to pay all of the household expenses, however, and then give her an "allowance" in addition to household expenses....unless he makes a LOT of money.....which doesn't sound likely, since his living with his parents in the interim.

A babysitter, be they a grandparent or anyone else, isn't comparable to a parent. I don't expect the same level of work from a sitter as I expect from myself, when it comes to caring for my house or my children. Washing dishes, possibly a two-person job, is not the same as mowing the lawn.....a one-person job.

Would I show up at my ex's and not offer to mow the yard? Ummmm....yes, ESPECIALLY if I were the person footing his bills. I find it hard to believe that you would offer to mow your daughter's father's lawn.

Would my husband offer to help ME? Yes, he would.....but we share the workload because we share a home.

Not to mention that if I asked my husband to move out, I would *expect* to carry the workload.

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#106527 - 05/08/06 02:54 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
justmenow Offline
recently joined

Registered: 05/06/06
Posts: 4
Well Rebecca, I'm very glad that your husband sounds like a good man. You see, you and your husband share the workload, we didn't even when we were together. I did the repairs to the home, mind you they weren't done the best because I really didn't know what I was doing but at least I tried. He never did any of it, well I'm lying, he did in the beginnig but it didn't last long. As far as the "sex" thing goes, well I stood up for myself tonight. He came up and was hinting around to it. I flatly told him NO WAY. That I was tired of getting used. For me there is emotions involved and for him there isn't. I'm not setting myself up for that again. He has mentally abused me for years. I broke my arm in three places one time and had a full cast on for three months. The cast went from my shoulder to my hand, obviously I couldnt' do housework as well as I could have before, well he called me a "f'ing lazy [b**tch]". He shattered his heel. I took care of him, which included bed baths, etc...Then this past July my brother died tragically, he was only 36. The day after I buried him I was a blubbering mess, he told me I needed to get over it! I have supported him in business deals that didn't work out, we lost a ton of money out of our savings on that, BUT I supported him. He has never supported me emotionally through school, my broken arm, or the loss of my beloved brother. Yes, he is supporting me financially. I guess I should say, it's not me he's supporting, but he's supporting the kids' expenses. It takes money to run them to games and practices, it takes money to feed them and get them the things they need. Believe me, I would rather live without his money, and once I get my degree I won't have to depend on him anymore. We had another discussion tonight about him giving me money to live on and to take care of the kids with. He doesnt' seemed fazed by it, but to me it's a big deal. I realize that there is two sides to every story. I never,ever claimed to be perfect. Actually I'm far from it. As I said in one of my previous posts, "it takes two to make a marriage and two to demolish it". I did my fair share of mistakes, but I feel the difference between him and I are that I own up to my mistakes, admit that I've done wrong, confessed it and have never tried denying it. He doens't seem to want to do the same, which is his perogative. If I know him, reality will slap him in the face once me and the kids move out. Know the old saying, "don't know what you've got till it's gone" well that will be him. I've tried to make him see this, and I've told him that once the boys and I have moved out, there's no turning back. As stupid as it sounds, I DO LOVE HIM. I either love him or he's a habit that's hard to break. Things were so good in the beginning, he was what I had always dreamed of, just a "good man". I just feel that alot of outside experiences (his friends) play a huge role in this. He had the nerve to tell me that he hasn't raced in a while because of me. He races dirtbikes, anyways I told him that he didnt' race like he used to because we have a family now and priorities change when there is children involved. I mean does he expect to still do the same things he did when he was single with no kids?

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#106528 - 05/08/06 08:08 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
>>>>>I don't think the husband seeking sex is any better or worse than the wife agreeing to sex for no other reason than to assure that her bills get paid.<<<<<

Yup, both are bad, which is why I said the sex part would make me feel like a prostitute.

>>>>>A babysitter, be they a grandparent or anyone else, isn't comparable to a parent. I don't expect the same level of work from a sitter as I expect from myself, when it comes to caring for my house or my children. Washing dishes, possibly a two-person job, is not the same as mowing the lawn.....a one-person job.<<<<<

I've seen many people share in lawn mowing. And whether they be a sitter or a parent, this guy IS a parent as well. He should have either offered to help or left. You simply do NOT stand and watch someone else laboring just to get a kick out of watching. I'm sorry. On that I will never agree. That isn't right to do whether male or female in any type of situation. If you're a supervisor paid to supervise, that is one thing. If you're just watching for the thrill of it, that's another. But add to that watching when YOU are benefitting, even in some small measure from it, just for the thrill of watching...that's just downright rude and uncivilized.

>>>>>Would I show up at my ex's and not offer to mow the yard? Ummmm....yes, ESPECIALLY if I were the person footing his bills. I find it hard to believe that you would offer to mow your daughter's father's lawn.<<<<<

If he were actually spending time watching his daughter and I had nothing else to do but stand there and wait on him to finish, and ESPECIALLY if the lawn he was mowing was going to revert to me, you better believe I'd offer to help. That or I'd walk in and see if dishes needed done or something. To me, it's no different than when I was visiting my parents the other day. Dad and I went to lunch and were waiting on my mom to get home. Dad was holding the baby and watching TV and I was gathering up the diaper bag and taking stuff to the car. I noticed a sink full of dishes and stopped to do them. I didn't owe them that. In fact, we were using MY gas that day to run my dad around while my mom had their car. So it was kinda like paying him that day. But he has bad knees and my mom was working and the kitchen was just a mess. I did the dishes and ran a mop over the floor because I just couldn't stand seeing it and knew I could do it much easier than they could. Humans often do that. We empathize with people and offer to help out. Most of us anyway.
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Char Fox

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#106529 - 05/08/06 08:27 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I didn't get that he was watching "for the thrill of it," I got that he was just standing there, and she got pissed because he didn't *offer* to help. In light of her subsequent post, I'm not sure why she expected anything more than that.

If someone cheated on me, then asked me to leave my home, and they were still living there, rent-free, I'd expect them to at least keep the house up. I would not think it's my responsibility to pay all of their bills, AND do the work.

Again, the comparison between one's parents and their ex isn't in the same ballpark. Of course I would offer to do more for my parents or grandparents. My ex? Nope.

IF my ex had the kids (har har), and was struggling to finish mowing the yard that he let grow knee-high, I would offer to take the kids for a while. The kids would be my responsibility...the knee-high grass, not so much.

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#106530 - 05/08/06 09:49 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
I'm not getting where she "cheated" on him. It's no different than the other discussion either on this board or CS, where the husband had an "emotional affair" so-to-speak. There was really no "cheating" in either case. I don't agree with it when you do that knowing your spouse won't approve, but I also don't call it cheating in that sense. But his response to her when she brought up his standing there is what leads me to feel he was just getting a thrill out of watching.

But ok...you said "I would offer to take the kids for awhile". He didn't even offer that. He offered nothing but to stand and get his jollies watching her work AND leaving her to watch the kids before and after. He SHOULD have offered at least that much...to watch the kids. But he didn't.
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Char Fox

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#106531 - 05/08/06 09:54 PM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
Sorry, but if my ex let his grass get knee-high, I'd have probably thought it was pretty funny.

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#106532 - 05/09/06 01:32 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
If he were working, attending school, AND taking full-time care of MY kids...I wouldn't. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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Char Fox

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#106533 - 05/09/06 02:29 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
I guess maybe because I do all of those things, I don't see them as a viable excuse.

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#106534 - 05/09/06 02:31 AM Re: You're forgetting... [Re: Rebecca5]
Miranda Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 20822
Loc: North of Mexico
Quote:
Sorry, but if my ex let his grass get knee-high, I'd have probably thought it was pretty funny.



LOL...
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13.1...because I am only half crazy!

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#106535 - 05/09/06 03:04 AM ??? [Re: Rebecca5]
almostheaven Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 07/14/04
Posts: 10468
Loc: West Virginia
For not letting a little house/yardwork go? Heck, I do it all the time. I figure there is a scale for things. And letting the grass grow high is lower on the scale than getting the kids fed or getting my homework done when in school...or getting sleep so I can get to work. I guess if there is enough money though, I'd pay one of the kids, or a neighbor if the kids are too young, to mow it for me.
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Char Fox

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#106536 - 05/09/06 03:18 AM Re: ??? [Re: almostheaven]
Rebecca5 Offline
Carpal \'Tunnel

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 11697
Loc: Down home.
Fine...let a little housework go. No big deal. But some things you cannot put-off......and you don't get to be all pissy when the man you kicked out of the house doesn't want to do it for you, after you've let it grow knee-high.

Maybe it's just me. I don't demand that other people rescue me from situations of my own creation.

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